Trying

I’m trying. I really am.

I made it through Christmas and into the new year. Barely. Jade is being super whiney and weird. I think its because she’s off schedule and bored. I’ll have to do something special with just her tomorrow.

I’m trying not to compare myself to others, but it just keeps happening. I’m bitter. So bitter.

Yesterday we saw and old friend’s mother while grocery shopping. My mother was with Jade and I, as well. Friend’s mother: Yes, Son 1 is married. Son 2 is graduating with his PhD in May, Daughter 1 is engaged and working for a large software firm, Daughter 2 is getting married in March. How is Liz doing? (My sister) Mother raves on about how they are living in CT, she has a job at a fancy smancy golf resort and how her husband works for a large broadcasting firm and how beautiful their wedding was and blah blah blah. Not once a single comment about me. Nothing. No, I don’t have a somewhat successful design business/hobby. No, I didn’t just graduate with honors. No, I didn’t just receive my first full time job. No, I’m not pursuing my masters…I know there is nothing special about be, but she didn’t even ask what was going on in my life and my mother didn’t even hesitate to pretend like I didn’t even exist. I know she didn’t do it intentionally, but fuck I was standing right there. I should know by now that no one besides myself will ever be proud of me, so I just need to get over it and start praising myself, or at least standing up for myself.

I saw that Jay proposed to his baby momma. They’ve been together less than a year. She posted it on facebook. Part of me wants to be happy for them while the other part of me says “That should’ve been you.” I say that to myself a lot. “That should’ve/could’ve been you.” Now every ex I have ever dated is Married/engaged and either has a child or a child on the way. Seriously, how that fuck SHOULD that make me feel? Because honestly, I just feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve been left behind. People around me are moving on and moving forward and that will never be me.

My parents found out the other day that they only have like 1-2 more payments left on the house until they’ve paid it off. I’ve come to the harsh realization that I’m never going to be able to be a home owner. I will never make enough money to have my own home, let alone be able to ever pay it off within my lifetime. I am as broke as I’ve ever been. Trying to sell things left and right to be able to make the ends meet. Classes are costing me SO much and its not even going to be worth it in the long run. But I can’t quit because I always quit and then they’ll just say, yeah she had it, but then she quit. Even though its not going to be worth what I’m putting into it, it’ll just be one more thing for me to fail at.

Today Jade was upset with me because I wouldn’t help her pick up her toys. She said “I thought you were a good mom to me!” I wanted to scream and cry and yell at her all at once. Everything I have ever done has been for her. I’ve worked my ass off just to be able to provide for her. I know she just said that out of anger and has no clue about the bigger picture, but it hurt SO bad.

I’m so lonely. I truly have no one that I can spill my guts to. I have Courtney, but I feel bad for trying to bring my problems to her.

I want to tell myself that this year is going to be better. I want to set the goal for us to have our own home this year. I am begging for it to happen. I need more money. We’re going to have to stop pageants. Its the smart thing to do. I hope Marleigh wins big this month. It would be so great for her to take the top prize and ‘retire’ for a year..or forever. If she doesn’t do well, and we quit, people will just think its because I’m mad she didn’t do well.

I just wish there was a way for me to make more money. I barely have time to sew and design, and its not that lucrative for me anyway because I’m not that good. I need lots of practice, but I don’t have time to practice…So yeah I’m stuck.

Tomorrow’s agenda:

Clean your fucking room you damn slob.

Finish your homework.

Make the purple dress

Sew the skirt on the wedding dress.

Advertisements

Christmas Tears

So, yesterday I found out Sean and his wife are expecting. My heart immediately dropped. How can he be so excited about another child when he has never even seen or spoken to one that is 4 years old? He does not have to have anything to do with me, but it is not at all fair to Jade. I really never thought they would have children. He is 30 now and she is somewhere around 35. I thought that was a little old for her to be having her first child. Not only do I have to some day describe to Jade that he dad wanted nothing to do with her, but now I also have to explain to her that her dad and his wife have another child that they love and take care of. She will have a little brother or sister that she will never know.

So badly, I wantΒ to post this on my facebook just to mainly have people be like WTF?! or to lend me some words of encouragement, but I won’t. I never do. I can’t/ wont air my dirty laundry on social media. I haven’t told my family yet. They just don’t understand. My mother still secretly thinks he will come running back some day. Fuck that. And this just isn’t something I could talk to my dad about, so instead I just keep it inside. Bundled tightly, deep, deep down in the crevices of my soul, so that only I feel the pain. It will hurt for a while, but in a week or 2, I’ll stop crying myself to sleep, and in 6 months or so, there will probably be a day that will pass without me thinking of this. And then maybe in a year it won’t hurt as bad. But right now it hurts like hell. It takes the breath right out of me and I go through my days in a haze. I know that at some point in this life, I have done something to deserve this. Karma at its finest I suppose. I just how that I have never ever made anyone feel this way, slammed that with such hurt that they feel like they will never be whole again.

I wrote him a letter. Another letter that will go unread. Another letter that will never get stamped or sent across an ocean. Another letter that will never make a difference.

I’ve never asked anything of you, but I need to make an exception. I need to ask you to remember I did it alone. While together you went out to buy the pregnancy test and held hands waiting patiently for that little line to appear, remember, I did that alone. Alone and scared. What is about to be the most incredible moment for the 2 of you, was the most petrifying for me. Alone. That first doctors appointment, you go together, hold her hand as she walks up the steps, open the door to the office with her. You stand over her, brushing her hair as the doctor searches for that first heartbeat. Together you smile. I did that alone. Alone and embarrassed. You hold her hair when she’s sick, do everything in your power to make her feel better. You drive to the store for ginger ale and peppermint, then back out again for the ice cream she didn’t know she wanted the first time. I did this alone. Together you add items to the registry and make never ending lists of names to bounce back and forth. I did this alone. You spend hours designing the perfect nursery, assembling the crib and the swim and the bouncer and the changing table and don’t forget The dresser. Together you made it happen. I did this alone.
I spent hours in the exam room alone when they couldn’t detect movement. Alone and scared. I traveled alone by ambulance to the hospital. Alone. I checked myself in, alone, for induction. I spent the night by myself wondering what tomorrow would bring. I wandered to the labor room, nothing but the IV in tow. I took the news alone when they told me there were problems with the heart rate and alone I delivered our baby by emergency C-section. Our baby lay alone in the nursery while I lay alone 2 floors down in recovery praying that she was okay. Alone and in pain I got up and down several times a night to feed and change diapers.

So all that I ask of you while you are enjoying your time together is to remember. I did it alone.

 

A lot has happened since I last wrote. I can’t think of any good things to write. Not a single good thing at all.

Liz got married to the man of her dreams, so she is still reigning as the golden child. They aren’t coming home for Christmas. That has mom in a shit mood. Every sentence that comes out of her mouth is like poison. I choose to just not speak to her. I don’t even like to look at her.

Ricky died of an overdose. I didn’t even go to his funeral. I’m not sure how I would have handled it. I chose to work for a bonus instead. Even when I was making the decision, I knew which one I SHOULD have chosen. Maybe that was part of my karma.

Jay met a girl, a bartender. Yeah, you know, the one who wanted to break up if I was going to continue to tend bar. They ended up pregnant not long after. She just had her baby. She seems happy. They have a home that is all decked out for Christmas. I really should stop searching up these people on facebook.

I am working, but I’m not making shit. I do like my job okay. I don’t love it, but its fine. Its enough. Last year, I wanted to be in our own home for Christmas. Clearly that wasn’t logical, nor did it work out. This year, it has to happen. I can’t fucking deal any longer. Every second I spend in this spiteful home kills me a little more. It starts fights between my parents and I and even worse, it causes tension between Jade and I. She is doing really well in pageants, but we are going to have to stop doing them in order to save up. I know what I want to do, and I know what is right and they’re not the same thing. Perhaps, I should do what is right for once and use my damn head. I need to make a budget. We will have to take out a massive loan, or probably rent. I’m not grossing much profit now that I’m taking classes as well. More than 1 whole paycheck goes to classes. Mother said it was always in her plan to help pay for grad school. Fuck you. I know they’ll foot the bill for Liz’s though. I cannot ask them. I will not ask them. And I probably would not even consider accepting, but fuck! I could take these classes, saving up money to get the fuck out of here. When I graduate, I will be making more money, so that would be even more of a savings. Maybe I could even get with some kind of home assistance buying plan that would help me out. I just know that I cannot make it much longer in this toxic household. I will die.

It felt good to write again. I will have to keep up.

My weight has been weighing heavy on my mind lately. I don’t want to relapse. I just need to plan better. But right now I’m above 130 and I haven’t been that heavy since losing baby weight. I need to get back down to 120. That is perfectly acceptable, although 115 would be preferable. Those are totally reasonable weight loss goals. No need to starve or make myself purge. I just need to plan and exercise a little. No more night time snacking will make a huge difference. I really do not want to just let myself go.

 

And its been a while…

Last time I wrote, Jade had just turned 1. She turns 4 next Wednesday.

I’ve survived. I’m going on 27 and I’m still alive and I know I shouldn’t be.

I read a statistic once. It said “The number of anorexics over the age of 23 is staggering. They’ve all either recovered..or died.” So what does that make me? I go through periods of weeks/ months living a “Normal” life with “Normal” eating habits and I almost convince myself that I’m okay. I’m not. I’m not okay and I’ll probably never be okay.

I am better in certain aspects though. And big ones. I haven’t thought about suicide in years. I think the drugs and alcohol abuse had a big influence on that one.

I still don’t feel good about myself though. I feel like I need some sort of validation. I would be nice to be noticed. It was nice being noticed when I was at my LW of 107. That was nice. That was really nice. I haven’t weighed in quite some time, but I would imagine that I’m back up close to 130.

I feel like I’m stuck.

I got a full time job. A teacher. Crazy, right? How am I supposed to teach kids about health and wellness when I’m batshit crazy myself? I keep telling myself that it’s temporary. I’ve set a goal for Jade and I to be in our own home by next Christmas. I tell myself that life will be better when it’s just the 2 of us. ..But I say that all the time “Life will be better if…” “Life will be better when…” Truth is, its not going to get better. This is just the way it is. It can certainly be worse, so I’m not cursing it..but that’s just the way it is.

Jay and I broke up about 2 Christmases ago. It was just some rocky shit. I feel like I can blame both of us. Me for not opening up and him for not trying to get in. We didn’t talk. He has a baby on the way with his new GF. So that makes it official then. Every since one of my exes is either married or has a baby. And the sad part is nearly all of these relationships happened right after they broke up with me. Whats that movie? Good luck Chuck? I guess that’s me.

I still think about Jade’s dad. ALL the time. Its stupid of me to think that anything will even change. I try to avoid the thought of him during the day, but I can’t control my dreams. I don’t want him. I know I don’t want him. He’s an ignorant alcoholic with truthfully nothing going for him. I do wish that he was open to having Jade in his life though. He’s never spoken to her. He doesn’t want to. He thinks that’s what is best for her. I don’t see where it is his right to make that decision. How is it best for a child to know that her father never wants to speak to her? What does that say to a little mind? Daddy doesn’t love me, Daddy doesn’t want me. Luckily she hasn’t asked, but I don’t see the questions being far off. What do I say to her? I’m not going to lie to her. I refuse to be the bad guy. If she’s asks, I suppose I’ll just tell her that he is in California..or at least I think that’s where he is. I’m honestly not really sure.

I just don’t ever want her to hurt like I hurt.

I remember when I was pregnant that I told my mom that I was scared to have a baby. Not scared of the actual birth or even raising one, but just scared that she would turn out just like me. I still worry about that. But I’ve also vowed to never be like my parents in the sense that the lines of communication were always closed. I want her to feel like she can talk to me. my mother never talked to me. Not about anything important at least. I got the period talk. That was about it.

She never even noticed me losing weight. 152 to 130 in just a couple months. How do you not notice that on a highschool girl? then again after I had Jade. 170-107. 60 pounds mom! SIXTY. SIXTY FREAKING POUNDS AND YOU DIDN”T SAY ANYTHING BESIDES “Girls with no fat, have no boobs.” Really mom? Really?! How about something more along the lines of “Is everything okay?” or “Do we need to get you some help” or “Maybe you should see a doctor” I just need to know mom, how did you not know something was wrong with me? How did no one notice? Not my boyfriend, not my family, not my 1 friend, not my teachers. And people wonder why people like me feel invisible.

I don’t know that I’ll ever feel whole. I want success. I want stability. I want a friend and someone to love. I want to get off of this sinking ship and stop jumping from depression, to anxiety, to manic behaviors, to eating issues. I just want all of it to stop.

With my new job, I’ll have insurance. I really considering going to see a therapist. I don’t want to be pserscibed any drugs. I don’t trust myself with them. not any kind. I don’t even like to take Tylenol any more.

I need to find a partner. I have never been one to “need” a man, but its time. Its time to start a family. I think I can do it right this time. Openness and honesty. I’m not scared like I used to be. No more ‘Oh jeez, what if he doesn’t like me??’ Now its, who cares. If he doesn’t like me, we’ll move on. And if stuff isn’t going right, it needs to be discussed. Not just bottled up. I don’t even go anywhere or do anything to meet people, though. That’s part of the problem. Theres just not much to do in my town. Tomorrow, there is a college football game though. I’ll go to that and maybe mingle. It’s a start.

New years. New York

I was just thinking today about how much stuff I used to do on my own. Travel, sip coffee at the local coffee shop, walk around campus, take a hike. Now I do nothing alone. Jade turned 1 on Sunday. Crazy how fast this years gone. But I feel like I need a little get away. I need to hope a train, bus, plane, anything ALONE to be able to gather myself for a breif moment. I don’t need long. Just a day or two. More would be welcome, of course. Jade and I will be home alone this whole weekend, so that’s 3 days, 2 nights of just quiet (except for baby jibber-jabber) That will be nice. I wish it was colder outside. I’m probably the only person who EVER wishes that, but there’s just something about sitting on my porch in an oversized sweatshirt with a cup of coffee and a cigarette watching the heaty fog rise out of the mug. The chilled air biting my nose and ears. I can’t get enough of that. It’s easier to feel alone when the sun isn’t shining so brightly.

My mind is just fucked. Sometimes I travel to this make believe place of nothing and it seems almost like a paradise until I get trapped there and spend days upon weeks trying to drag myself out of the hell that I’ve created in my own head. I was 122.4 again this morning. I have no reason to eat this weekend since no one will be home to watch me. I can be 117 by monday if I actually TRY. Really, I don’t even have to try, I just have to keep my hands out of the fridge. It shouldn’t be too hard. I’m going to catch up on sleep this weekend. When Jade sleeps, I’ll sleep. I need to clean a bit too. And I promised myself that if I worked out at least 3 times a week until October 1st, I’d buy myself a tanning package to be tan for halloween.

122

122 As of this morning. That’s another pound down. SHouldn’t I be happy abotu this? I think I’m just tired. Very very VERY tired. I was up til 2 or 3 last night, then woke up around 6 before my alarm clock even rang. ..Guess there’s just too much on my mind. Planning on not eating today either..I just don’t feel up to it.

At my LW

I’m currently at my LW which is 123..well lowest weight since high school…and that’s like 5 years ago 😦 I can’t believe how fast time has passed.

I’ve had a really bad day today…which in turn helped with my fast, so I guess I can’t complain too much 😦

First, I forgot my book for class today, which is usually no big deal bc my teacher NEVER calls on me..but today he did and he made a big scene. 2. I’m so behind on my HW which is no one’s fault but mine. Lastly, but certainly not least (here comes the vent). You know how I told you all that my bf wanted to take me & the baby camping this weekend leave home thurs, return home sunday early afteronon…well turns out I ended up getting scehduled for work this friday night. At first, I was just going to call off and be “sick” because our shift was already pretty busy with servers, but then I looked at the schedule today and it’s a band night, so I knew I couldn’t leave my workplace out to hang like that. So I asked one of the girls on saturday night if she would switch me (1. that will probably make me make $100 less that night 2. That sucks for my mom who will be watching the baby, bc she wants to go to the fair and now she will have to take Jade with her…even though she said it was okay I still feel bad) So I tell my bf when he comes into the bar tonight, that I no longer work friday, but got it changed to saturday, so now Jade and I can drive down separately on thursday, stay that night and friday night then come home mid afternoon on satuday..The look on his face (which I thought was going to be happy) was the complete opposite 😦 He said “That’s a long way to go for just that time” and I tred to explain that it wasn’t that far & we’d still be there for 2 nights and nearly 3 whole days. It would be nice to have some alone time with the 3 of us. “But I don’t even think I’ll be able to get off thurdsday or even friday!” he said…When he told me earlier this week, he already said he told his dad he was taking off. “We’ll just forget this weekend.” Then he gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of my shift. When my shift was over, I thought for sure he would leave before I finished counting my drawer, but he didn’t, so i sat with him for about 5 minutes and he didn’t really say anything at all and just gave me short answers. Finally I said I was leaving and he headed out at the same time and didn’t even kiss me like he usually does, just a quick peck. Around 9:45 I texted him that I was going to bed & said “good night :*” ..he never texted back…

Why can’t he just act like an adult?! He’s almost 27 freaking years old andhe acts like a teenage girl sometimes. I’m sorry that I don’t make $24 an hour like you and constantly get double time. I’m sorry that I have to work 2 jobs to fend for myself and make sure my child has all that she needs, but she comes first!! I’m sorrythat I’m under so much stress and under so much pressure from myself and others that you could not ever begin to underastnad or comprehend hbecause I hide it all so well from EVERYONE..literally everyone. NO ONE knows my secrets…then again I guess it’s easy to keep secrets when you have no friends to share them with. I’m sorry that you don’t know that I haven’t eaten in 3 days and 3 days before that it was another 2 days without a single fucking calorie. I’m sorry that I hate that you don’t even notice I’ve lost nearly 7 lbs in somewhere around 2 weeks. I’m sorry that you don’t know I’ve already began planning our future and I’m sorry that I think I love you, but I’m also sorry that I’m not sure what love is, therefore I’m sorry that I haven’t told you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you would never understand. I’m sorry.

If anyone even knew how long I’ve been dealing with all this, I think they’d be surprised I’m still alive. I almost wish Jay and I would break up, so that I wouldn’t have to worry about being tied down. I think Jade and i need to get out of this town. I think we need to go pretty far away. I can see myself with Jay..but I just don’t know if things would ever be “right” I think I’m forcing a future because he’s been good to Jade and I so far.

I do not like the way I feel today. Empty in so many more ways than one.

twitter

If you guys haven’t made a twitter account specifically for you ED I definitely recommend it. It’s so much easier and more convenient to get the support you need fast from your phone, ipad, etc. Believe it or not I’m at my lowest weight since high school. This morning I weighed in at 5’9″ 123.8 That’s less than 10 lbs from my UGW of 114.0..but I think I’m going to have to end up changing that. I thought I’d be a lot happier when I got below 125, but I’m still not liking what I see. My thighs are so close to touching it’s not even funny. i thought I’d have “the Gap” by now. My love handles are…well STILL THERE! and My hip bones aren’t visible like at all when I’m not laying down. I think 108 would be a pretty good UGW to shoot for now. Wow that seems so far away! That’s almost 20 lbs more. Gotta not let myself get overwhelmed. I can’t remember monday, but I don’t think I did TOO badly. Tuesday I fasted. Wednesday I binged BIG TIME. I fasted all day until about 7pm then I ate a cup of spaghetti, and enormous meat ball, and about 2 cups of salad with 2 tbs of balsalmic dressing :(. I’m STILL mad about that! Yesterday I fasted until about 6:30 PM and then I had about 2 cups of salad with 1 tbs of balsalmic dressing. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t eat the cheese, but then I said one bite, and then I said one more bite, and then I ate it all 😦 That’s what I hate about eating..I can’t make myself stop! but that’s all I ate yesterday and then I did a 25 minute zumba workout. I’ve never done zumba before, but it did have me sweating and I felt some tightness in my abs. I thought I would be sore today, but I’m not. Today so far, I’ve had a 20 oz cup of coffee that I put 1/4 cup of fat free vanilla cappuccino in. I know that has to be loaded with calories, so I’m going to work out in my office today, since I just sit here by myself all day. I don’t want to eat anything today because tomorrow my grandma is having a family reunion and I know it will look wierd if I don’t eat especially since I’ve lost weight and I’m not skinnier than I’ve ever been less than a year after having a baby. People WILL notice. So I must make it look like I’m eating. I think I’ll grab a plate with healthy fruits and veggies etc and then act like I’m feeding Jade the whole time. I’ve gotta figure out where I can sneak off to there to have a cig because I’ll freak without one. How is it that I can give up food for a day, but not cigarettes lol?

Anyone have any workout suggestions that don’t really require any equiptment that I can do here in my office or in my room at home? I DO NOT want to build muscle, I don’t need that weight, I just more or less want to burn the fat around my love handles, stomach, upper arms, and thighs.

If you DO have a twitter acct, follow me at 0zeroislove0 Sarafina Jade and I’ll follow you back.

I did it!

..then I fucked it all up. Like I said, waking up friday I was 128.something I think So I decided it would be a great day to kick off a fast, I was so motivated and everything. Well I made it through the entire day at work, then at home, and when I got to work the fatties working with me ordered potato skins. I avoided them FOREVER and then once they’d gotten completely cold and ever GROSSER I pulled off about a 1 inch piece and ate it…It wasn’t even good, but I’m not TOO mad about that. I’m mad about Saturday! I woke up and the scale said 125.7! That is what I had been waiting for! I was so excited that I’d finally gotten below 127 because I hadn’t for years..So to celebrate I ate 2 fucking hot dogs! TWO!! and then I get to work, & what do I do? I eat some potato casserole..oh no, it’s not over yet, I get home and my mom had ordered pizza so I ate 2 pieces AND a piece of fish…UGH just thinking about it makes me so sick. Of course I fucked yesterday up with a piece of pizza for lunch and baked steak and mashed potatoes and CHEESECAKE for dinner…So today is punishment. All I can think about is food. And I thought about letting myself have something, but I decided it was best to wait for as long as I could because sometimes I get in these moods where I just don’t stop for days on end! Today would be okay to fast, but I’d almost rather wait til tomorrow because i work from 9-3 then again at my second job from 4-8:30. It’s easier for me to avoid food when I’m not at home. Then on wednesday I work from 9-4 and the second job from 8pm-2am, so if I wanted to continue the fast into the second day I could easily do that.

If I’m going to do that, I need to plan what and when I am going to eat tonight. If I don’t, then I just freak out and eat all day and night. I would LOVE to have just an enormous salad with fat free dressing. I’m hoping that would fill me up and keep me from munching all night 😦 I don’t know what to do??!!!! I HATE FOOD!

Follow me on Twitter 0zeroislove0

30 Day Challenge:
Day 01 – Your current relationship, if
single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10
years.
Day 03 – Your views
on drugs and alcohol.
Day
04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending
your own life.
Day 06 –
Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think
it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most
satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be
like.
Day 10 – Discuss
your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and
write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole
day.
Day 13 – Somewhere
you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest
memory.
Day 15 – Your
favourite tumblrs.
Day 16
– Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past
year.
Day 18 – Your
beliefs.
Day 19 –
Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education
is.
Day 21 – One of your
favorite shows.
Day 22 –
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5
guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and
what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 –
What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have
had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30
days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this
month.

 

Day 04- Your views on religion.

I consider myself a Christan although I’ve done many MANY un-Christ-like things and I haven’t been to church in years. I would love to become an active church goer again, especially now that I have Jade. I would really like for her to grow up surrounded by God’s love and followers. I do not condem people would are not Christian, but I do think that people should believe in some kind of higher power. I mean, how else would we have gotten here? I get mind blown every time I try to think about that stuff lol.

Day 05 – A day you thought about ending your own life

I bet not a month has gone by since I was 15 that I haven’t thought about suicide. Not so much since I got pregnant with Jade because now someone finally needs me in their life. But especially when I was drinking all the time and doing a bunch of drugs..and It’s not that I actually ever planned a suicide, there were just many times when I wished I was no longer alive. and that the world would be better off without me.

Day 06 – Write 30 interresting facts about yourself

1. I’ve always wanted to write left handed, so I often practice (nerd) 2. I love to read! 3. I used to want to be an ice cream truck driver or a marmaid when I grew up. 4. If there was a cream to remove freckles I would be on that shit. 5. I want a boob job. 6. I want 4 kids, YES FOUR. 7. I consider myself pretty intelligent. 8. I want a HUGE jacked up dodge deisel truck..pink please πŸ˜‰ 9. I’m good at managing money. 10. I cannot apply makeup for shit! 11. but I wish I could. 12. I like styling people’s hair. 13. I wish I looked good in baseball hats like some girls. 14. I love my dog. 15. I want to quit smoking, it’s the only addiction I haven’t been able to give up. 16. I want to live out west. Preferrable in the mountains in Idaho. 17. I love horseback riding and wish we had enough land at my house to keep our horses closer. 18. I’ve had several people tell me I look like Kate Hudson (yeah right, I don’t see it at all) 19. There is no way I can think of 11 more of these “Interresting facts”

 

Boooored!

30 Day Challenge:
Day 01 – Your current relationship, if
single discuss how single life is.
Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10
years.
Day 03 – Your views
on drugs and alcohol.
Day
04 – Your views on religion.
Day 05 – A time you thought about ending
your own life.
Day 06 –
Write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
Day 07 – Your zodiac sign and if you think
it fits your personality.
Day 08 – A moment you felt the most
satisfied with your life.
Day 09 – How you hope your future will be
like.
Day 10 – Discuss
your first love and first kiss.
Day 11 – Put your iPod on shuffle and
write 10 songs that pop up.
Day 12 – Bullet your whole
day.
Day 13 – Somewhere
you’d like to move or visit.
Day 14 – Your earliest
memory.
Day 15 – Your
favourite tumblrs.
Day 16
– Your views on mainstream music.
Day 17 – Your highs and lows of this past
year.
Day 18 – Your
beliefs.
Day 19 –
Disrespecting your parents.
Day 20 – How important you think education
is.
Day 21 – One of your
favorite shows.
Day 22 –
How have you changed in the past 2 years?
Day 23 – Give pictures of 5
guys who are famous who you find attractive.
Day 24 – Your favorite movie and
what it’s about.
Day 25 – Someone who fascinates you and why.
Day 26 –
What kind of person attracts you.
Day 27 – A problem that you have
had.
Day 28 – Something that you miss.
Day 29 – Goals for the next 30
days.
Day 30 – Your highs and lows of this
month.

 

I just feel like writing, so this isn’t going to be a 30 day thing, since I don’t have the opportunity to be on here every day, I’m just going to do as many as I feel like doing, then pick up the next day where I left off

Day 01 – Your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.

Right now, I’m dating Jay and have been”officially” since January 1, 2012 right at midnight was our first kiss πŸ™‚ Sooo cheesy lol! He is an amazing guy and treats Jade and I like gold. He has a great job and works really hard. I wish he had his own place, because as of now with my living with my parents & everything it’s really hard for us to get alone time. I sound like a little high school girl when saying all we’ve done is make out lol. He’s almost 27 and I’m 23 and we’ve been together for 7 months and not even seen each other naked lol . BUt I kinda like it. Not too much pressure like other relationships I’ve been in. Its not like every time I see him all he’s thinking about is fucking me. I really think this relationship has potential and I can honestly say I can see myself marrying him and starting a life together. And since I have NO patience at all..I hope its soon πŸ˜‰

Day 02 – Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

I guess this kind of goes back to the last question. In 10 years I will be 33, working full time as a teacher or a stay at home mom if financial stability allows it. I’d like to have at least 2 more children before I’m 30. Maybe a 4th πŸ˜‰ lol Not sure I would know how to handle 4 children, but 3 would be nice. Jay and I will have a beautiful house of our own and he will be the full time 100% owner of his business now that he is currently 1/2 owner of with his father. I want to be carting the kids off to soccer practice, t-ball, karate, and gymnastics and hard to believe my little girl will be 10! I want to maintain an open honest realtionship with my children, that I never had with my mother. Yep, that about sums it up. Happily married, white pickett fence, dog, and 2.5 children lol The American Dream!

Day 03 – Your views on drugs and alcohol

You name it, I’ve done it…lolwell its not that bad, but just about. I think drugs are the root of all evil, mainly prescription drugs, heroine, and meth. I think weed should be legalized (even though I don’t smoke it) to decrease the nation’s debt and avoid conflicts with Mexico and other drug cartels and lowering the prison rates and taxes. I think the drinking age should be lowered to 18 (as long as they’re out of high school) and that it should become less taboo. Other countries that allow drinking at younger ages don’t have the problems that we do in the US with alcohol poisoning, DUIs, and other alcohol related crimes. Teens and young adults need to learn to drink responsibly and when they’re at a young age and feeling rebelious that’s not likely to happen and they’re more likely to drink more and more often. To be honest, I’d like to irradicate drugs and alcohol all together, but since that’s never going to happen, I think we need to find more effective ways to deal with them.

 

 

Slacker

I’ve really been slacking these past couple of weeks. So this morning when I got up to weigh myself, I thought for sure that I was up to at least 134, btu surprisingly I was down to 128.7. Now it the hard part. Getting below that. This is one plateau that I just can’t seem to get off of! It drives me nuts because it seems like forever that I’ve wanted my next GW to be 125 and a realistic UGW at 119 for a 5’9″ mom. Of course, as we all know those numbers change as we get to them and just keep going lower and lower because when we look in the mirror all we see staring back at us is a 300 pound heffer! I’d love to tone up, but lets face it, I’m too lazy so I’ll just starve instead :/ Isn’t that sad? Anyway, before I get too depressed, I’ve decided to fast today. Waking up to a lower number than I expect always kind of kicks my determination into gear. It’s almost like “Wow, look, you’re starting out good, how much lower can you go in 24 hours?” Plus I work tonight and I want to wear something that probably is tight or shows my stomach and I’d hate to be bloated. Also, one of the girls I work with thinks she’s hot shit & going to move to Miami and blah blah blah..but in reality, she’s NOT. She’s not even that pretty, her teeth are messed up, and hate to break it to ya hunni, but since your breakup with your douchebag, metro BF, yuo’ve gained some weight..and I’m gonna go ahead and rub it in her face. Even though I don’t think I’m skinny, I’m definitely skinnier than her and I want to make sure she knows it.

OK I realize I’m sounding like a major bitch right there, and I’m tooootally not in person, but it kinda pumps me up to be thinking that. Also helps me fight away those cravings, so I’m gonna go ahead & be an online bully lol!

And lucky you! I’m in the mood to post some thinspo. Not sure how much bc I’m at work at my boss could come back at anytime, so lets get it started & hope for a long post πŸ™‚

Pinned Image

.

love these outfitsHad to add this because I’m just SO bad at picking out outfits for myself 😦 I need to start pinning more of these then making a list when I got shopping and tell myself what to buy, so I can put together cute outfits like this. No more shopping for me til 125! NONE!…Good way to sae money, bc I’m never gonna get there. I want to be there by September 9, that’s Jade’s birthday. That’s almost 2 months. There is no reason I shouldn’ tbe able to get there.

by Gorges Schmidt

/

Gimme! #thinspo

Reem Acra Ruffled Strapless Cocktail Dress

ultra-sultry babydoll set

sea foam green camisoleShe looks so young and happy

//

.

RomanticJourneys

Nude

casual

thinspo

thinspo

. thinspo

thinspoI wish I could get that look with my hair

thinspo!

Well I suppose that’s all for today. I’m pretty bored, but managed to make it past lunch with no problem. Leaving work here in about 2 hours, then to pick up my Jade-y girl and home. Hopefully I can convince her that a nap is a good idea before mommy has to go to job number 2. I know I could do something smarter like pick up my wii zumba and do a little workout, but I hate working out when people are home, I feel like an idiot. Also, if I stay downstairs for too long, I know I’m going to wander into the kitchen and binge out!..No way am I letting THAT happen today. Usually if I can make it to about 2pm I’m good for the day as long as I’m working at night.

And on that note, I’m just gonna go ahead and high-five myself because I think I’m a pretty great mom. Yes, I would like to be around my child more, but I have to make sacrafices to insure that she and I can have shoes on our feet and food on the table. Nothing in this world has ever been able to drag me away from this horrible disease like the 9 months I was pregnant with her and the 3-4 months afterward that I breastfed. I ate the nutrition that I knew she and I needed and maintained a healthy diet FOR HER! Granted, I’m back to my old ways now, but it is in no way affecting her. I work 2 jobs and go to school. Right now I only have one summer school class, but it’s pretty tough, thats why I took it in summer when that would be the only class I would have to focus on. I take her to day care every day and pick her up and hold her and kiss her for as long as her squirmy little butt will let me. High-five, Self. For actually doing something RIGHT for once!