its SOO nice outside. I love it. Too bad I have to stay inside all day freaking cleaning! I’ll keep the windows & doors open too let some sun in & air the place out a little bit….but theres NO screens for the windows or the storm doors..ick BUGS! well I’m gonna head over to the house & i’ll have to write more in here later cuz I don’t have internet over there yet. which SUCKS! & i don’t know if i’ll even have it at all cuz its soooo expensive =( hopefully i can figure something out.. Good luck today! here are some tips to keep you from bingeing:

lay in the sun (as our body loses the nutrients it needs from not eating properly, our skin gets lighter & we begin to look sickly. So go out & tan a little, the sun is nice today! plus, you get some kind of vitamin either A or C i think.)

get cleaning! yeah it sucks but you’ll be more comfortable& at ease if your room is organized.

pick up that book you’ve been meaning to read

make a small thispo journal out of notecards & magazine cutouts or internet pictures

Go for a walk..but take a different route than you usually take. make things interresting. Go through a different neighborhood.

Doll yourself up. Sometimes its just nice to dress up & do your hair & makeup…plus it takes FOREVER lol

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I need a new book to read. I finished Skinny about a week ago. I really liked it. Any suggestions on another one?

So today, went calorie crazy!!

intake: salad with ff italian

cookies & cream milkshake ew!

grilled chicken subway on wheat & of course i just HAD to have mayo on it

chicken sand & fries from mcdonalds AHH!!

no more no more no more.

I’m going to try the RussianGymnast diet starting Saturday that I’ve been hearing about. its

B: oj or apple juice

L: a fruit salad containing pealed apples, kiwi, strawberries & a few other things but i aready closed the sight & i don’t feel like bringing it back up

D: apple & a glass of juice

…sounds kind of high in sugar to me..but i guess at least they’re not empty calories. Most people lose 4-11 pounds in a week more with exercise of course. Its worth a try & plus I LOVE fruit

Today was kind of exciting and lame at the same time. Me & my roomate got into our new house to do some major & i mean MAJOR spring cleaning. Its sorta gross but our new place spelled like dog piss & gross stuff lol. There was still a lot of stuff that the old tennants had left, so we threw most of that out even though our land lord told us not to…I don’t care. I paid my money & i signed the damn lease I’ll do what i want with the place ya know?? There was just sooooo much stuff everywhere & you could totally tell that the old people never ever ever had the urge to clean. Today we mostly focused on scrubbing the walls, vacuuming the carpets, and cleaning & disinfecting the kitchen. I did a little bit in the bathroom, but its kindof hard because we dont have running water yet so we’re just using large buckets & filling them at our neighbors house. Tomorrow I’m going to try towake up relatively early..like 9 or 10ish (thats early for me) and go down to the house to begin cleaing again. (that burns a lot of calories believe it or not) and it keeps my mind off of eating. I’ll clean out the cabinets in the kitchen & the fridge…it stinks…BAD lol. then i’ll probably move onto the windows. I need more natural light! umm next will be cleaning my to-be room. Its hard wood so i’ll sweep & then mop it down with some kind of wood polish stuff. Hopefully by then our land lord will be there & he will start taking the left-over stuff to storage. I’m tired of it being in myhouse & if its not gone i’m going to throw it away. I’m not kidding! its my house now! & i know that sounds mean & bitchy but i don’t care I’m paying for it & that give me the right lol. I don’t plan on eating much because i want to drink a little tomorrow night. I’ll let ya knw how it goes & maybe even post some pics of the new place..its kind cute. & it will be awesome once we get it done & decorated =)

peace, love, & luck

 

she’s precious..she looks like a barbie doll

I can’t wait to move out. My parents are driving me nuts. I almost wish I was moving in by myself with just me & my dog. That way I would just buy no food & not have any in the house at all & i won’t have any money at all so I could just not eat. & starve. My mom thinks that I’m not taking my dog with me. She’s soooooo wrong. haha that damn dog is all i have & thats all there is to it. I’m not gonna stay in an empty house with a girl thats smaller than me & not have any protection. riiiight. We move in on the first. I wish he would just give us the keys to clean and stuff so that way on saturday we could jsut move in. but of course not…the house kinda smells…you can tell that the tennants before us had a dog or some kind of pet because it stinks!! i mean its not horrible but i’m used to living in a totally 100% disinfected house lol not a college student apartment. I’m going to go super clean freak on that house lol i don’t even want to walk into the bathroom i’mthat freaked out..i mean every one tells me that its not that bad but i’m kinda a germ freak. I bought a new toilet seat and everything lol.

B:nothing

L: nothing

D: 2 bites of  burger 2 pickle slices tuna & about a handfull of spicy doritos (the taste of spicy stuff stays in my mouth so i don’t eat for even longer)

i’ve never lived on my own so any suggestions for what i should go out & buy or some things i should consider??

 

FAST beginning at 9pm. I’m not setting how many days or how many hours becase then i just mess up. I’m just going to go till i drop. true.

2448610808a2449229863b709107410l.jpg c image by crystalbeachesx25l5I0173266-02.jpg skinny image by jailbatebabycake6frvkp4.jpg HIPPIE GIRL image by the1nonlyem23DENIMMODEL04.jpg hippie image by barnoski69<–that is exactlly what i want to look like..exceptblonde

hippie.jpg hippie image by slutty_cheergrew_thin_from_too_much_care_by_spa.jpg grew_thin_from_too_much_care_by_spaq image by pixelatedheartpictures

l_cf6392c96d1185c185125fe610e99a97.jpg Not Ki coz too thin. Is chanel image by Alicia233_Dormon

My friend and I got a house!! its a disgusting college house but that doesn’t matter its mine!!

i’m exhausted..why am i always so tired? ahh don’t answer that i already know the answer. I’m in the process of getting some hoodia. That should be good. I’ve been walking about 2-3 miles a day for the past 2 days..its nothing great but its better than nothing right? especially since i can’t seem to sum up enough will power to keep with a damn fast or a diet or anything. I’m working on keeping my calories between 500-800 daily..forstarters. apparently i just can’t jump into these things like i used to be able to. I suck! pictures of my non-fitting dress soon. i know ‘ive said that before but i mean  it this time.

 

no. i might be pregnant. i’m not going to have this child. it wouldn’t be healthy. I’ve done too many drgus and drank and smoked too much that there is no way. I’m going to starve it out of me. Now I have motivation. Damn EDs and their stupid messed up periodshit and too hell with pregnancy tests you can’t read worth a damn!! is it a + | or a -|     I don’t fcking know!! I can’t fucking read it. No worries. No nutrition= no baby!! fuck this shit I’m done…my lifestyle is changed!!

my dress doesn’t fit, i should’ve known. i will fit into by june 29th..my dads b day.

i was going to take a picture but my camera is dead. i’ll do it tomorrow when i charge the battery.

Just finished the book. Tears still running down my face. Shirt soaked from the salty liquid that i can’t seem to stop.I flip off the light. Time for bed- time to stare at the darkness & wonder about the monsters under my bed.

I need him back. I’m scared of myself alone.

 

 

TALK ABOUT MENTAL BREAKDOWN..GOD!!   36 hour fast starting at 11pm

 

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question: Is my site too busy?? I won’t be offended. i think i might need to change the BG or something. Please tell me what you think.

 

I never feel good. I’m tired of it. I just wish I could see the sun shining. I’m sure it would make me feel better. I hate the cold & rain. I’m always cold. I’m madly in love with the book I’m reading. Skinny. I can relate so much with Giselle. I ate today. sortof…but i ended up on my bedroom floor covered in quilts and blankets crying freezing and sweating at the same time trying to wipe the tears out of my eyes fast enough to read the words on the page. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t have any friends any more and boys don’t even look at me anymore. I feel like I’m invisible. Even to myself. Even when I look in the mirror I don’t see me. I see a sick, pale, tired, worn out figure staring back at me begging me to stop and just be normal. I can’t. I won’t until I’m that girl you know, the one that everyone looks at and every guy longs for and the girl that I will be happy with.

I’m back to my OCD tendencies. I’ve re arranged my room about 4 times in the last 2 days..the sad thing is I barely remember doing it. I feel like I’m not living. There are days at a time where I feel like I’ve just slept for 3 days and nothing at all has passes me by. I need to leave. Far, Far away.

SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK!! ahhh i feel like hell..I thought I would try to act like a total badass & pretend like i knew what i was doing & do like 200 billlion grams of coke..! WTF!! i hate myself & my parents are bitching cuz i didn’t come home last night & i have to work again tonight so its gonna be another late night…i think like every night since like wedneday i’ve come in at like 4 or later.. & its starting to fuck with me!! my face is breaking out like no other & i’m disgusting! & now i have got to eat something really bready & drink lots & lots of water to soak all this shit up & get it the fuck outta my system!

EDIT: 6:58pm

I’m feeling better…thank God! & what made it even better was when I stepped on the scale and it said 140. That is definately not not not not by any means good…but it does mean i’m losing weight. All i’ve had today was a salad with light italian dressing. I need to eat before I go to work. I’m not sure what I’m goin to have. A hot dog sounds really good & I need to get some real food in me cuz I’m still not feeling very good & i know i’ll pass out if I don’t have something decent..I’m not sure if  a salad will cut it…any suggestions? I’m trying to get some protein in.

I know a lot of you readig this are probably dealing with the same thing but I’m anemic. I’m not exactly sure what it means or anything like that just that people with eating disorders are the biggest catagory & seeing as how i’ve been dealing with all this shit for about 4 years now I guess I fit that. Any useful info about it? or is it even really that big of a deal?

 

EDIT: well..i guess its already tomorrow? 4:08AM

I’m somewhat pleased with myself..wierd huh? I’m feeling soo much better now..my stomach still kinda hurts a lil tho..i’ve never had that big of a reaction to coming down. WOW never again. umm i added 2 meatballs 1/2 a piece of bread and a few pasta noodles to my intake..BUT i didnt’ drink at all tonight at the bar YAY ME!! i’m back!!

Intake atabout 4pm:

noodles broccoli & carrots with cheese sauce

strawberries (no sugar at least)

 

wow…last night was rediculously um ironic?? we & B went to my friend Justin’s house..you know, the one that i kinda have a thing for but don’t want to pursue cuz he’s going to the army very soon & he’s into a lot of bad stuff & i’m easily influenced lol..hope that didn’t confuse you too much! well me & B went to his house he had a few people over me & her mixed crown royal & cream soda (highly recommended!! even if you don’t like cream soda cuz it doesn’t really taste like it) & it was pretty cool..well we only just kinda chilled at his house becuase it was pretty lame & the weather was crappy & he didn’ feel well so it was pretty boring.. I’m super proud of myself though..all of his friends were smoking pot (i don’t reallylike that any ways but i do it sometimes) and snorting pills (which i have to say is a little more my style) and i didn’t do either of them!! YAY me!! even though i was offered SEVERAL times!! wow..i sound like a super druggie in that paragraph..thats horrible! & i’m really not i’ve only done those kind of things like a few times like…less than 10.

Anyway…

Me & B left his house & came back to town where we went to the bar & hung out. We just kept ordering Coke & we took our bottle of crown in with us & just kept mixing it ourselves..well we finished the bottle between the two of us…she’s a lot smaller than me she’s probably about 5’4-5’6″ and i think like115 pounds..i look up to her i wish i looked like her. She has long dark hair & is really thin and lean. Before we finished the bottle my friend Scott called me. Him & his finance broke up…like they always do…& so we went & picked him up (becuse he lost his license) & brought him back to the bar with us. He got really drunk lol & me & B were still pretty cool even after we finished the bottle & moved onto beer I had 3 coors lights. Well me & Scotty sortof…hmm i don’t really know what I’d call it..I guess a “history” would be the best word forit. We just have random makeout sessions..nothing more. Well last night in the bar he kept trying to make out with me & i’m not really one for PDA because i don’t like to watch it so i assume other people don’t either but that wasn’t the point. I told him the point was that he only talked to me & called me & aske me to hang out when him & his g/f break up. & he said back (talk about fooot in mouth) “well, when me & her broke up tonight, you were the first person i thought of” WTF!! imean granted he was drunk and all but wayyyy to make me feel like shit lol! Any way at the end of the night me him & 2 other people went back to his apartment & hung out for a while then we went into his bed room & just talked & made out. We talked about his X & if I thought that me & him would ever work out & he just kept telling me about how much he liked me & shit…He kept trying to take it farther than making out & i just kept stopping him because I’m not that kind of girl & well…to be completely honest i wasn’t that drunk.. which is kinda sad to say. Wow i’m trashy… What the hell happened to me since I got into college??

any way I didn’t stay at his house even though he wanted me to..he practically begged me to. He just kept saying “Nothing will happen I promise. I just want someone to lay with.” I did kinda want to lay with someone too..its been a while. But for ONCE i listened to my better instincts. YAY ME!! & thats all lol

 

I’m going to have a salad before I go to work with fat free italian dressing. LOVE IT!

so much for doing good….

intake: salad 2tbsp light italian 30 cals

5 m&ms

1/2 cup vanilla ice cream with cookie dough (another fuckup)

handfull chex mix(another fuckup imagine that)

i suck.

oh..& a coors light beer!! ahh!!

Starting a midnight tonight: No food only drinks for 36 hours becuase i’m going to drinka  little bit tomorrow. Maybe if i can get ahold of some i’ll just do coke instead. that would be great.

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SO MUCH FOR THAT ONE!! I SHOULD’VE KNOWN BETTER!! i had a turkey wrap fromsubway with italian dressing & 2 cookies!!! i hate myself