When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part.

 

Not that that quote actually goes along with how i’m feeling today because he FINALLY texted me last night. But it was how I was feeling earlier this week. And it SUCKED! He texted me this morning also, but I was asleep & when I got up I texted him back but I haven’t heard a responce yet. I may need to lay of a little bit. Not necessarily play hard to get, but just try to show him that I have other stuff to do, like I’m busy or something. Even though I’m DEFINATELY not. I will be when I get home though. I’m getting a puppy & we’re going running every day! & i don’t have cable so I decided that the only movies or dvds i’m going to play are going to be workout videos. Good idea right? if I’m not working out to them at least I will have a constant thinspo telling me not to eat. I’m going to continue tanning too. I got sunburnt yesterday. Not cool! I hope I don’t peel. Today’s weather is sucky. I just want to go home.

I’ll write more later.

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I should have known. Nothing can ever work out for me. I should have known. I should have known not to get too ahead of myself. He hasn’t talked to me at all since like 10 am on the day I left for the beach. He blocked his incoming calls up until today. Does that mean incoming texts are blocked too? either way, He has neglected to call, text, telegraph, moorse code, smoke signals…HELL ANYTHING! anything at all…but no. I should have known better, I just should have. I am absolutely miserable here with my family. I have no one to talk to about anything. Its ok. I like being alone better any way. I’ve been writing little letters to myself. heres just a few thoughts

1. take care of yourself: don’t put poisons like empty calories into your body. Don’t let people take advantage of you. Yourbody is yours and no one else’s. —-Too late for that one. I should have known.

ok enough with my thoughts. I think them too much to actually feel like writing them. Its killing me not knowing my weight. Theres no scale here. Fuck room service. I want to go back to my shitty little apartment. 😦 I want to see Matt. Even though I should just say fuck it and move on without him back to all by myself which is how it should be. But sometimes it is a lttle nice to have someone to hold you in their arms. Oh well. He will be my motivation. I’ll run every day. Stretch to situps and pushups every day. Oh & when that boy sees me for the first time again…ha he will be in SHOCK! He’s such a bad, bad boy & I can’t resist.

I can’t wait to get home. I just want to get a gram or 2, stay up all night, go to bed at 7 in the morning and lay around till 5 in the evening not doin shit…especially not eating. Life is not as good as I thought it was gonna be…

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN.

 

oh gosh. I’ve been at the beach for less than 24 hours and i’m already freakin ready to go home. I hate being with my family. I just like being alone. I miss matt. Last night my roommate called & texted me like 200 times. & finally I answered when she called. She does’t like matt because well…a guy is starting to like me instead of her & since she’s so pretty & skinny she’s used to people just moving on from me to her & its not happening like that this time. Any ways. I got a call from her & she said that Matt & the girl he had been dating broke up & ended up at the bar. Some how, in th VIP room he punched her in the mouth and had somehow had her in a headlock? that coming from my drunk roomate talking to the drunk ex g/f who about 2 weeks ago had assult charges on her for trying to like beat the shit outof another guy. I know Matt already has one assult charge for beating up a guy trying to rape a girl. Another one could be horrible news for him. Especially if its a girl. Well since their families are friends hopefully they will be able to figure it all out. I have no idea what happened & he hasn’t been in contact with me since like noon yesterday. =( I don’t want this to go wrong. I really dont think he would have just hit her. I know this girl. No one likes her!! She’s fuckin psycho! & everyone knows it like I said she tried beating the shit out of a guy like 2 weeks ago. Honestly, I’ve been in an abusive relationship, but I believe that if a girl is honestly pounding on a guy & trying to intentionally hurt him that he should not juststand there and take it! I mean I’m not saying that he should like punch her, but hell! I’ve been calling people alllll morning trying to figure out what was going on. No one seems to know anythign other than rumors. I just want himn to call me!

ok more from tuesday.. we eventually found th building then drove around for like another hour to try to find a place to sleep. We finally just decided to drive like 15 miles back to the rest stop & sleep there for about 2 hours. So we woke up at about 6:30 I grabbed a coffee the we headed back into town. We were about 15 minutes late. I’m not use to traffic like that. We sat still for like 15 minutes. So we get there & there are like these 3 men outside. Old men. And they are protesters saying “its not too late to turn around.” and “slavery was legal, but that still didn’t make it right” and a whole bunch more stuff that I definately did not need to hear at 7:30 in the freakin morning. Any way we make our way into the building and it takes like 2 hours before we even started filling out paperwork. So I fill out paper after paper, then they take me to a room & prick my finger then i went to another waiting room & waited & waited & waited some more. Finally they let my roommate come in & sit with me. Then they did an untrasound thingy. & soo then I waited some more lol. There was a LOT of waiting. They gave me a valium to calm my nerves after  I met with a counselor lady. Then finally after about 4 hours of waiting & bullshit it was time for the procedure. I was so scared, but I just wanted to get it over with. My roomie had to sit with her back to the doctor & he got started. I’m not going to lie, it hurt. It hurt so bad. I’m a very strong person & i deal with pain really really well, but had it been 30 seconds longer or even slightly more painful I would have broke down. It lasted only about 2 minutes. Then the doctor (who was a total ass hole by the way) left & the nurse lady helped me get dressed (she was really nice) and I went straight to a “recovery” room. My roomie wasn’t allowed to come. The room had about 10 recliners & there were probably already 4 or so people in there when I got in there. I was having the worst cramps ever! Another nurse took my blood pressure and she said “how are you feeling.?” & right then I was just like “i’m gonna throw up. Can I go to the bathroom?” haha & I did. It was because I hadn’t eaten anything and I took that pill. I can’t swallow drugs like that. I always throw them back up. But after that was over I went back in& chilled in the chair & then she came over & checked my BP again, reminded me once AGAIN that i was anemic (duhh already knew that), and was like ok you can leave. So I walked out to the front room where my friend was waiting for me and i was like “lets get the fuck outta here, I want some soup” lol for some wierd wierd reason I wanted soup allll day. & I still didn’t end up getting any. We made it home finally & all i wanted to do was shower & go to bed, but we ended up going to the liquor store and buying a bottle of Jose’ tequilla & a case of beer & we came home & made margaritas and put our beach chairs on the porch and drank lol. Matt came over & a couple others. He ended up staying the night. I was drunk and we might have started taking things too fast, too soon. I’m scared it will just fall through. Yeah, we had sex. He was so amazingly gorgeous; all shiny from the sweat. & the way he smelled, the intensity of his eyes..I couldn’t resist myself I’ve never had feelings like this so fast for someone. I always like to start slow. It was so nice having someone to just lay beside. I hate staying in my bed alone. I just want to feel the heat of another body next to me. It makes me feel not so alone. He came over again last night. The same thing happened except I wasn’t drunk. I’m not a bad kid, really I’m not, but when he looks at me with those piercing green eyes I can’t help but to let loose. I’m leaving saturday for the beach for a week. He will be gone for 2 weeks by the time I get back. That give me almost one month to get back into the swing of calorie counting, fasting, and working out. He’s going to come back all tan and glowing and I know I’m not going to be a stick figure in only a month, but I bet i can lose about 10-15 pounds. I always lose a lot once I start back up again. I can’t wait to see the look on his face when he comes back and see’s how gorgeous I’m going to look. Bronze skin, hair lighter from the sun, and a flatter stomach. He will be in shock and I can’t wait.

 

Am I setting myself up for disaster?

What an eventful 48 hours lol. I am in such a good mood. Well I suppose I better start from the beginning. This entry is going to be sooo long. So monday night: My roomie and I left at about midnight from our house. We got gas, checked out what was going on at the bar, had a beer, & headed on our way. We finally arrived at our destination according to the GPS, but we couldn’t find the building, so we decided to park in a parking lot and walk around since it would probably be easier to find it instead of driving around again and again and again. Well the cops kept circling us and … more later roomies in here

So I’m texting back & forth to Matt right now. He said I’m too “good” for him. WOW. I mean I’m not gonna just come right out & be like uh yeah I’m not as good  as you think  I am. I drink, I smoke, I do blow, haha I get wasted & have random sex…ha yeah…that might not be the greatest of pickup lines…soo i’ll just let him keep on thinkin what he’s thinkin’ it can’t be that bad right? Ha he just said “i know you’ll be bad enough of me. All girls your age are.”…sounds like he’s been gettin around with the younger crowd lol!

 

I’m leaving tonight at about 10. I just want to get this freaking over with. I had to take like $800 out of the bank today! it sucked!! I need a real job. Not just my2 nights a week gay ass bartending job..I’ll make more money once school starts & students start coming back. but thats not for quite a while. I can’t wait to get all of this over with and continue losing weight so that my roomie (size 0) and i can start wearing all the same clothes instead of just shirts. Maybe write more later if i have time. My laptop is dying…

I went to my parent’s house today finally..I haven’t been home it seems like forever. I walked in and my mother said “oh my! have you been losing weight?” I must have looked at her like she was half retarded. I was like “No, are you kidding me?” She said I looked sick or something. My parents have been happy since I started gaining weight back after last year when I really did probably look sick..and beautiful. I was curious and I don’t have a scale at my new apartment so I weighed myself. 132.2! I was like are you kidding me?? I’m fucking pregnant and I’ve lost almost 15 pounds in like 2 weeks??!! Then I really started thinking about it. I don’t eat. Barely at all. I throw up constantly & even if there was food in my stomach there isn’t after that…& i pee like every 30 seconds. Maybe I should’ve gotten pregnant a long time ago? sike! that was a really crude joke..my bad. I can’t wait to get tuesday over with. I’m leaving at 9 tonight. I’ll let you all know everything about it of course. Wish me luck. Everything will be ok.

So yesterday Matt came over. Thats the boy I was talking about. He’s so cute. He’s tall, thin, muscular, tan. ha wow i’m getting excited lol. We talked and talked and talked with beer after beer after beer. haha I had about 5…then had to go to work with a half decent buzz going on. I love the buzz that I get off beer & that I don’t black out when I drink it…oh wait did i mention it makes me even more enormous!! soo the abortion is scheduled for tuesday. my roomie is still the only one that knows about it. She’s going to go with me. I’m scared. We cried all night about it last night when we got home. She’s more emotional than I am. I usually just keep things inside & cry myself to sleep about them if I cry. Its hard. I feel almost like I’m the one supporting her when it should be the other way around. I had to call this morning for some kind of speech from a physician telling me a bunch of dumb stuff. I mean I guess its useful but I don’t want someone trying to tell me my other options when I’ve already made the decision.  I just want it to disappear. I just want to disappear. More later.Shower time. Gotta work tonight & hopefully make some money.

EDIT: sooo matt didn’t call me like allllll day & then i finally get to work & we text like 4or 5 times back to each other then it just stops…i hate that. at least say ok bye or something. Don’t just not text back. I’m trying not to play how desperate I really am so I just kinda dropped it. Tomorrow I’ll probably text him when I get up and just be like ” hey i was gonna text when i got off work last night but it was really late & i didn’t want to take a chance on waking you up.” sound ok? that way it was like ya know i kinda wanted to talk to you, but not enough to text you at 4 in the morning lol. Tonight was insane. I wish I would have had a better time, but I was really self concious about myself in a bathing suit and shorts and as you all know there was soooo much on my mind. I only made about $60-some dollars…it sucked. And my other bartended AKA my roommate ( i think we just spend too much time together- the sorority, our house, and our job- we’re always together) well she was off just doin whatever & i’m trying to serve a billion people drinks. I wish we didn’t have to split the tips… I’m so tired. I’m ready for bed. I hope she doesn’t wake me up in the morning. I hate that. I’ll try to write tomorrow & monday during the day, but I’m pretty sure that monday night me & my roomie are gonna drive at least most of the way to the clinic that way we don’t have to wake up at 5 in the morning and try to drive for 2 and 1/2 hours…our luck we would crash or run out of gas or something.. I hope everyone is enjoying their summers and staying strong. I know you all can do it. Have confindence and mold yourself into the person you want to be. Its possible. Just keep going.

EDIT again..
Can’t sleep. I couldn’t imagine feeling like this for 9 whole fucking months!! I can’t sleep. I’m always hungry, but I never eat cuz I either purge it on purpose or morning sickness comes around just at the smell. Thats why its so wierd to me that I’m still gaining weight. I always have to pee & I can’t even think about trying to hold it lol. its all sooo gross! ugh! & i’m not even close to being 1/4 of the way there lol could you imagine being enormous & trying to waddle around everywhere having to pee every 30 seconds? NOT me…NOT now. ok good night for real this time. I’m lonely tonight again… the roomie is in her room with a guy she’s been on & off with for a few months now. I don’t like this feeling. Everything will be ok after tuesday. Thats all I’m worried about right now.

I’m scared.

Pregnant…

my roommate and i are going to go to an abortion clinic…i heard people spit on you & try to throw stuff at you..like pro-life people…maybe I’ll get lucky & they’ll just shoot me.

A girl died yesterday. Her name was Shelly. I didn’t know her, but she graduated from a high school in my county a year or so before me. I think she tried to OD on something. She was doing so well, they were even getting ready to take her off life support and then she just crashed I guess. This is not a happy day. Not at all..

What a beautiful fucking disaster of a day lol I tell ya’. I’ve had crazy things running through my mind all day as you can imagine. None of which should be the focus of my thoughts obviously. I met a guy last night at the bar that I have known since I was really young & I haven’t seen him for about 15 years up until last night & my little 5 year old crush came running back lol. From what everyones telling me “he’s fucking crazy”. ha thats just what i need. Another psycho boyfriend….but i’m getting pretty desperate…Plus sex burns like a BILLION calories right? I’m not sure if I want someone butting into my life again. Its bad enough with my roommate..even though i totally LOVE her right now. She’s being so supportive. She’s the only other one that knows i’m pregnant other that you guys & i’m planning on keeping it that way. She is offering to go to the abortion clinic with me and everything. I just called and made the appointment. She may not be able to go because she is supposed to work. Hopefully she will call off, but i would never actually ask her that. Maybe I want to go alone..I like being alone. I’m going to have to leave my house at like 5 in the morning to be able to get there..its about 2 hours away. I wish i could just like fly or something lol. well…hopefully its all going to work out for the better. I have faith for one time in my life right now. & hell the way i’m eating which is practically nothing will stay the same after the procedure and maybe i’ll actually lose some weight this time since i don’t have a fucking human growing insideof me…sorry if this offends anyone. I’m just not fit at the moment to be a mother, i don’t want to get fat, and the thing is probably so fucked up from alcohol and drugs they wouldn’t be able to tell its head from its ass…

but one of these days i’m going to be a fabulous mom. & honestly i can’t wait. I want to be through with dentistry school, married, and be living a stable lifestyle.  I want kids, i do. Just not now.

Stay skinny. & use protection.