So yesterday Matt came over. Thats the boy I was talking about. He’s so cute. He’s tall, thin, muscular, tan. ha wow i’m getting excited lol. We talked and talked and talked with beer after beer after beer. haha I had about 5…then had to go to work with a half decent buzz going on. I love the buzz that I get off beer & that I don’t black out when I drink it…oh wait did i mention it makes me even more enormous!! soo the abortion is scheduled for tuesday. my roomie is still the only one that knows about it. She’s going to go with me. I’m scared. We cried all night about it last night when we got home. She’s more emotional than I am. I usually just keep things inside & cry myself to sleep about them if I cry. Its hard. I feel almost like I’m the one supporting her when it should be the other way around. I had to call this morning for some kind of speech from a physician telling me a bunch of dumb stuff. I mean I guess its useful but I don’t want someone trying to tell me my other options when I’ve already made the decision.  I just want it to disappear. I just want to disappear. More later.Shower time. Gotta work tonight & hopefully make some money.

EDIT: sooo matt didn’t call me like allllll day & then i finally get to work & we text like 4or 5 times back to each other then it just stops…i hate that. at least say ok bye or something. Don’t just not text back. I’m trying not to play how desperate I really am so I just kinda dropped it. Tomorrow I’ll probably text him when I get up and just be like ” hey i was gonna text when i got off work last night but it was really late & i didn’t want to take a chance on waking you up.” sound ok? that way it was like ya know i kinda wanted to talk to you, but not enough to text you at 4 in the morning lol. Tonight was insane. I wish I would have had a better time, but I was really self concious about myself in a bathing suit and shorts and as you all know there was soooo much on my mind. I only made about $60-some dollars…it sucked. And my other bartended AKA my roommate ( i think we just spend too much time together- the sorority, our house, and our job- we’re always together) well she was off just doin whatever & i’m trying to serve a billion people drinks. I wish we didn’t have to split the tips… I’m so tired. I’m ready for bed. I hope she doesn’t wake me up in the morning. I hate that. I’ll try to write tomorrow & monday during the day, but I’m pretty sure that monday night me & my roomie are gonna drive at least most of the way to the clinic that way we don’t have to wake up at 5 in the morning and try to drive for 2 and 1/2 hours…our luck we would crash or run out of gas or something.. I hope everyone is enjoying their summers and staying strong. I know you all can do it. Have confindence and mold yourself into the person you want to be. Its possible. Just keep going.

EDIT again..
Can’t sleep. I couldn’t imagine feeling like this for 9 whole fucking months!! I can’t sleep. I’m always hungry, but I never eat cuz I either purge it on purpose or morning sickness comes around just at the smell. Thats why its so wierd to me that I’m still gaining weight. I always have to pee & I can’t even think about trying to hold it lol. its all sooo gross! ugh! & i’m not even close to being 1/4 of the way there lol could you imagine being enormous & trying to waddle around everywhere having to pee every 30 seconds? NOT me…NOT now. ok good night for real this time. I’m lonely tonight again… the roomie is in her room with a guy she’s been on & off with for a few months now. I don’t like this feeling. Everything will be ok after tuesday. Thats all I’m worried about right now.

I’m scared.


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