I wish I was as invisible as everyone made me to be.

The title of this entry is pretty much how I’m feeling. I’ve never been at such an honestly low point in my life. Yes I have felt like I’ve been here before but when re-analyzing my situation I realize that my life totally SUCKS right now. Living on my own is great. We never have food…& I NEVER HAVE MONEY! I quit my job because I went out & got wasted the night before & was too hungover for work the next day…imagine that!! Why am I such a fuckup?? huh? any answers? So I have a total of $197.00 in my bank account and my rent is almost a month late…so I have $400 due by the beginning of december…hmm hows that one gonna happen?? ITS NOT! What in the hell am I going to do? My dad hid his secret stash somewhere..I wonder if he knows I was taking it? Hope not.. I wasn’t taking it for unnecessary things. I seriously needed it to pay bills and stuff. I have no back up plan. Yesterday was my birthday. It sucked..20 is such a terrible age. Nothing gets any better…it just means you’re not a teenager any more & you can’t blame things on being young any more. I didn’t get any gifts…My roommate took me out to dinner..I didn’t eat hardly any of it. She got upset. I don’t care. I want a  1 bedroom next year. Actually I don’t want to live here at all. I’m having such a hard time. I don’t have a scale. & I don’t have money to buy one. I’ve been doing very well eating wise I suppose…Only because I don’t have any food here & I don’t have any money to go buy some either.

I’m going to start donating plasma. Has anyone ever done that before? Can you describe it to me? Here we get $40 the first time we go, and then $45 after that…Then an additional bonus for each person we refer. That doesn’t sound too bad for taking 30-45 minutes out of my day right? Not to mention driving though. Its about 20 miles to my closest donation station. I can donate twice a week so mental math lol: I’ll go in on the 28th then again on the 2nd I can do it 4 times before the 11th which will be $175 right? wow! thats a lot. Thats almost enough to pay december’s rent. Also, starting in January I will have a job again. It pays minimum wage, but oh well it will be super easy and I can work whenever i want to. I’m going to try to get my hands on some beans & sell them..I’ve got to figure out something to do. ..Actually…there are 2 places near me that accept plasma donations. Maybe I could go to both of them! That would be good right? 3 times a week or so? hmmm I’m thinking YES! wow I amaze myself sometimes…oh well at least i’m not giving sex for money right? I would live under a bridge before I did that.

I’ve been having a really rough time mentally this past week too. My ex boyfriend who is currently in Iraq is litterally tearing me apart. I’m trying to be a friend and be here for him to talk to about anything that he needs to get off his chest, but ever since we broke up almost a year ago he hasn’t been able to accept the fact that we aren’t going to get back together! he’s just not what i’m looking for in a husband! I need someone more stable, but I can’t just tell him that….


more later gotta go get my drunkass roommate.. 😡