Christmas is coming. I don’t care. My mom asked me what I wanted today. I didn’t know what to tell her. I’ve always been wierd about my parents buying me stuff. I always feel ungrateful…or something like that. I said a tanning package and rambled off a few books. Who wants BOOKS for Christmas??!! SERIOUSLY..normal people would’ve said an iPod or something technological of the sorts..but no, I asked for some books. WIERDO!

I’m not sure of anything material that I would like to have..Other than some beans haha!..i could see me now asking my mom for some wow..that could be an interresting conversation..or fight. The bar owner never called me back about the job. I’m think I’m going to just end up calling him tomorrow. I obviously didn’t get the job or he would’ve called me by now, but maybe if I call & show my enthusiasm he might reconsider, or at least keep me in mind for another time when he might need me.

I’m currently facebook stalking my skinny friends haha! I’m a terrible person. I get my thinspo from my friends..It helps a lot actually. I put on a pair of my roomate’s skinny jeans the other night. Shes about 115 pounds which is like 15-20 pounds smaller than me. She wears extra smalls & stuff. All the things that I dream of. Pretty, long hair, tan, skinny, boys are crazy over her, no braces, great personality, she can sing…pretty much everything i’m not.. but since i have to see it every day it makes it harder..i can’t really ignore it.


So more about the ex in Iraq….I can’t help, but to answer the phone when he calls & respond to his emails. I know this sounds absolutely terrible, but I’m scared I’m never going to find someone who will want to be with me & be loyal..& thats why I keep him around. Kind of as a back up. That’s TERRIBLE! Its just going to make it harder for both of us in the end. I’ve been creeping on his facebook because he gave me his password a long time ago. I’m going to quit doing that. I’m going to give brief responces to his e-mails & try not to answer the phone…sometimes its just hard. I don’t want to elminate him from my life completely, but on the other hand I think that would be best.


The one guy I talked about during the summer on here, Matt. ..Yeah well I should’ve known it was too good to be true. As soon as we got back from the beach with each other he went back to hang out with his “friends” some more..or so he said. Well STUPID me! I let him take my car cuz he was only supposed to be gone for a weekend..He was gone for a WEEK!! He stayed at my house the next two nights, we had sex of course..and then I’ve not heard from him since…not a text message, not an email..NOTHING! Gosh, everytime i think about this shit I get even more infuriated! Everything just always blows up in my face!

I sold my books back to the school & so I actually had money to pay my rent. For both months, November and December. I still don’t have money for food or fun or anything, but thats ok. Except for the fact that I just eat whatever I can get my hands on & since pretty much everything thats fast food is only a $1 I’m scared thats whats going to happen. I haven’t eaten fast food for a long time & i’m trying to stay away from fried foods too. I applied for another bartending job. I hope I get it. He’s supposed to call me by the end of this week/ beginning of next to let me know either way..I really need this, but I don’t think its going to happen…Its a 21 & over bar & I’m only 20. I hope that doesn’t impact his decision too much. I really need this. I can begin working for my dad over Christmas break right before school starts up again, but I need real money..not just minimum wage. I need tips adn bartending is a helluva lot of work. Always on my feet running back & forth. It will keep me from drinking every night. I need it. I really do. I’ll let you know as soon as he calls.

Has anyone tried that Acai berry stuff? If so, How’s it working for you. I may start using it. & possibly my crash cottage cheese diet. Its worked in the past..& When i want to snack I’ve just been eating pretzels.. still not great, but better than chips & shit…More later. Stupid roomates coming home!