Me…ew

I havent eaten today & its about 4pm. I’m not trying to fast or anything cuz my friends and I are going to the mall & I know we’ll eat there. I’m kinda craving ice cream, but the girl I ALWAYS go get ice cream with on opening day & all throughout the summer of course, isn’t answering me. We’ve kinda both chosen different paths these past 2 years and she’s 30 miles up her boyfriends ass…who just happens to be almost 3 years YOUNGER than her…He’s still in high school & we’re college sophs. Maybe its just me, but I think thats almost like rape lol! Oh well. I guess that means no ice cream & thats really not a big deal . I obviously don’t need it any way. I took some pics of myself last night and these will be the first pics of me I’ve posted on here. Well, my new one at least. There were tons on my old one, but I was actually pretty thin back then.

018 Sorry its blurry. I didn’t have the flash on because it kept reflecting in the mirror. More pics to come sometime soon.

Apparently 24 hours isn’t long enough for my fucking body to starve itself. 48 hours here I come. I found some aderal & if all else fails, I finally have money so I can get some blow! FML! I totally pigged out yesterday! I mean huuuuge So much that I don’t even remember..and i’m sure the huge quantities of alcohol, weed, and the cocktails of pills didn’t help with the memory lol. Soo starting at 3pm today My diet will consist of celery, water, water, water, cigarettes, beer and diet pepsi! .. & the celery is as a last resort..and the fact that my mother took stock in it!!? WTF she came home with like a billion stalks of it the other day..I pretty much laughed my ass off. Yeah..& I can’t, NOT drink. I can’t stay in my house. I have to get out of here! and if I stay here I eat, so end of story. Gettin the fuck out.

z182284576They both look so in shape. Why can’t I have self control anymore!? Where’d it go?

I’m not sure how you can fast for 2 24 hour fasts & not lose anything???

“The world breaks every one and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.” farewell to arms ernist hemmingway

24 hour fast

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I was 139 two days ago. I’ll weigh in tomorrow morning and then sunday morning also and post the updates. 133 by the 31st is what I’m looking at so far. Subject to change of course, like always. I was 142 when spring break started so at least I’m down three in 5 days. And with the fasting I’ve been doing I’m sure it will be more before monday when I go back to school.

I wonder when people will start noticing this time. I’m not sure if I’ve ever done this, but I’ll go ahead & redo cuz if ihave done it I know its been forver ago.

STATS:

Height: 5’8 1/2″

Age: 20

HW: 152 August 2005

LW: 121 May 2007

CW: 139

GW: 133  129  125  121

UGW: 119 (20 lbs. to go) I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again I just have to get myself back into the schedule.

*600 calories on the treadmill tomorrow before shower and mall.

Hmm so i burnt 200 cals. Not quite 6, but my parents’ is a lot shorter than the one I use at the gym and my legs are extremely long & I take big strides, so it looks like I’ll have to keep going to the gym. Better than nothing though I supposed. I had a 20 oz coffee with splenda this morning and water, but thats its. I’m pretty proud of myself. I kept myself busy, thats what it was. As long as I stay busy and not in front of a tv screen all day then I’m fine and I’m not even hungry. I’m dying my hair right now. Herbal essence “bombshell blonde” I’ve never dyed my hair by myself before so lets hope this works out. I’ll laugh hysterically if it comes out terrble..What a perfectly terrible end to my perfectly terrible day. I bought 2 new books today. I love reading. I got “The Best Little Girl in the World” and “Rx” I’m sure most of you have heard of the first one, but the second one is about a high school senior that has done amazing all of her life & grew up in the perfect family, but then gets involved with dealing drugs. Sounds interresting. I think I might write a book. Not one to sell or publish or anything, just a small story about how fucked up peoples lives can actually be: Rape, violent relationships, heart break, binge drinking, drugs, eating disorders, abortion, failing…and the list goes on and on. HA! I’d like to read it..if it was about someone other than me or course.. Welp, time to wash the dye out. I’ll let you know how it looks.

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Still fasting. No biggie. I bought a salad earlier to be sure that when I stop my fast I don’t just beinge on something crazy like ice cream or chips. I’ve noticed that when I prepare foods in advance I am more apt to eat them even though they’re healthy because I don’t have to make them when I’m hungry. The Alcohol class SUCKED! and I’ll have to be in it until JULY! I was planning on spending the summer as far away from here as I could get!ugh! My life sucks right now, but I’m sure it could be worse, so I’m going to stop complaining about it. I’m at work right now and I’m going to go home around 3 and take a nap. I’m exhausted. I’m tired all the time now except when I’m supposed to be. I think I’m noctournal lol. I’ll write more later. There are too many people in the office.

 

EDIT:

So I finished my fast and then didn’t eat my salad until about 9. I never eat after 8, so I’m disappointed about that AND the fact that I sat on my ass and ate 3 mini pepperoni rolls. Couldn’t I have just picked up an apple or something? Of course not.

EDIT…again: I am fasting tomorrow again. Midnight to midnight. I can do it I did it today I’ll do it agian. Theres a new TJ Max about 45 minutes from here so I’m going to go up there & see if I can find some cute sun dresses. I LOVE sundresses. They’re so easy & they usually always look cute, especially when you’re really thin. I’m going to buy all of them a size or more smaller as a reward and wrap them up for myself when I hit certain goal weights. It might sound stupid, but I don’t care it works for me. I’ll sleep in for as long as I want, that way I won’t have to worry about any morning cravings. I’ll shower, blow dry my hair, and straighten it. All of that should take over an hour. (I have REALLY thick, long, blonde, curly hair) Put on some make up (which I NEVER wear anymore). while burning a CD, and then I’ll take off. That’ll all probably be around 3 or 4. A few of my friends want to drink tomorrow night. I’m not sure if I want to. I know that’s whats making me gain so much weight. There are 64.2 calories in every oz of vodka, fat free of course, but STILL. ONE OUNCE!!??..hmm looks like the best bet may be some cheap vodka and a diet soda…but ew. Hmmm..wonder how many calories mushrooms have haha jk!

I’m good at making the only people I’ve ever loved..

feel like they’re better off without me.

 

Wierd day. I keep having this feeling that I’m missing something, but I can’t figure out what it is. I’ve been busy like crazy lately, but I feel lazy. All I want to do is just sleep for a while..a long long while. I haven’t worked out for ever!!! I suck

I don’t normally plan fasts. I usually just do it spur of the moment and they used to seem to work better. But this time I’m going to prove myself and everyone else wrong. 24 hours to begin with. Calorie free liquids only. Began at 7PM.

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I have to sign up for my alcohol awareness classes tomorrow at 8:30 am. I have a friend David that’s going with me..at least I won’t be alone. I have no idea how long I’m going to have to take them, they don’t tell you til your last day. Hopefully I can just cooperate and get the hell outta there asap. Then I have to meet my lawyer at 10. Then work as soon as I get out of there. This would be so much easier to fast if I could just sleep all day lol. I think my biggest temptation will be resisting going with my dad to lunch. He always asks me to go. UGH!

OHH! && I am addicted to the show Dollhouse! If you have not seen it its a must watch. The main character is super thin & great for thinspo, I can’t remember her name right now. I’m not sure what tv station it comes on, but I’ve been watching it on www.hulu.com  Also, a must search! They have every show imaginable and some movies..all for free

 

EDIT:

I think I’m going to post some pics later. && I’m really glad I like water..I’m not sure why that’s necessary for me to put it up here, but its definately a lifeline of mine when I am fasting and I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t like it. Good night everyone!

EDIT again:

So I took the pics & definately NOT going on here yet..but i have some more thinspo compliments of  look_at_moi.

for some reason the rest wouldn’t upload. Soryy

Minus 2 pounds and counting

Remember how I said I was going to see how much I could lose? Well so far, since friday, I’ve lost two pounds. I’ve been doing relatively well eating. ..except for today 😦  abotu 1 1/2 cups of spaghetti and a 100 calorie cup of yoplait fat free yogurt and 3 oreos. Its 6:45 and I’ll not eat anymore today, but I’m planning on having a few beers with some friends. Tomorrow I will eat barely anything. I have to be at my first job at 9 am so I’ll grab a cup of black coffee before that to ensure I can stay up for st. patty’s day, which just happens to be my favorite holiday of the year, and I’m pissed off cuz I have to work from 9 am -12:50 at my first job then hurry & rush to my next job that starts at 1 until 8…Then party time 🙂 I think I might take it easy…or at least try. I will really have to watch how much I drink because I won’t have eaten much if anything.

I need some advice. I’ve been single since august when my ex boyfriend Matthew went to the beach and cheated on me & pretty much never came back. I haven’t even talked to him since. He got a facebook a while ago and asked to be my friends so I was a bitch and tagged him in some pictures lol. He’s untagged himself in the ones with me in them and kept the others, so what I’m hoping is that his new affair will click on the album and see all the ones of us together. Whatever, i don’t care anymore, I mean, I do, but I’m just gonna keep telling myself that I don’t….well, anyway, the problem: Theres this guy named Jacob and I’ve kind of known him for a while, but never really hung out with him. He’s not exactly in my same crowd, but he knows people, who know people who I hang out with..get it? Well recently my ex roommate started messing around with his roommate and so it has kind of forced us into being at the same place several times. He never seemed interrested in me before until recently & he got my number and now he’s texting me all the time. He’s pretty cute, taller than me, we can make conversation, but for some reason I’m really shy around him. I’ve lost all of my balls when it comes to talking to guys now. What the hell? Any plausible reasons?? Cuz I can’t think of any. ANnnnnnd I’m leaving in June. I don’t want to put my feelings into a relationship thats going to last for 3 months and then have the pain of heartbreak when I leave. Then again, I don’t want to just have a fling either, I’d rather not have anything than a FLING…I don’t know what to do. His company is nice, but I’m not sure its worth it.

Last Night

t1

Sooo last night I went out & got really drunk because I’d barely eaten all day..& I actually didn’t do anything stupid! haha I haven’t partied in a loooong time & so I called my old roommate & we, believe it or not, had a pretty fun time. I knew all along it was her stupid new roommate causing all the shit. && well we’re going out again tonight. I’m really gonna try not to black out & become a complete idiot..we’ll see how that works out

I’m on spring break currently, but there won’t be much of a change in lifestyle I don’t figure. I’ll be working nonstop & trying to, and not to, party too much. I haven’t decided which yet. I think I’m going to do a little expieriment on myself lol as wierd as that sounds. I’m on spring break for a week and everyone’s out of town. I wonder how much weight I can lose this week. I’d be willing to bet about 5 pounds if I really worked hard for it. I’ve got nothing better to do right? I was looking in my mother’s pantry the other day & saw some of those ‘100 calorie packs’ & I thought to myself, gosh if I was going to eat 100 calories it would have to be something that would actually fill me up &3 oreo’s is NOT gonna cut it lol, So in turn, I came up with the idea to make my own 100 calorie packs with things like fruits, veggies, try to throw some protein in there somewhere. Sounds pretty cool right?& I will fill them with things that will fill me up that wont make me hungry 5 minutes later. I can take them to both of my jobs & not be tempted to go out to lunch or snatch some cheese sticks from the pub. I’m actually kind of excited for it lol. I’ll put them in baggies in the fridge that way they’ll be easy access and I won’t have the excuse “it was going to take too long to make”

Another story. I was sitting at lunch today in the commons and had a short sleeved shirt on. I used to cut all the time, but I’ve almost completely outgrew that. I haven’t done it in forever, but I still think about it sometimes. Alot lately. The scars are very very hidden & because I’m so fair skinned you can rarely see them even if you’re looking. But when I get really cold for a long time for some reason they come out in a wierd purple-ish color and are pretty noticeable. People don’t normally ask, because well, lets face it, everyone knows what scars on your forearms are from! ..Except the guy sitting at the table with me. Out of no where he blurts out “Whats that?!” and of course the nosey people all around me turn and stare. My mind went blank and I couldn’t think of anything. All I could do was think of another lie “Car wreck a long time ago” was all that came out of my mouth. Everyone knew I was lying. I don’t care. They call it the past because I’m getting past it, right?? right?

I think its time for a warm relaxing shower. I deserve it.

 MEH! ..I seriously hate to love facebook. I mean, I really like it. All of my pictures from like the last 3 years are on there so theres no way I want to delete it ya know? but I hate reading my ex roommates stuff!! It just pisses me off even more! I wanted this to be as drama free as possible now she’s saying all kinds of stuff about me being fake, plastic, && that I’m trying to change her?? The only person thats changing her is her new roommate! I never said anything to her boyfriend about how many times she cheated on him, or how many different guys she was with in 1 day!!! yeah! 1 day! nothing. && apparently I “made her life a living hell” ..I’m still trying to figure that part out HA!

AH! I did great until I got home today! well actually until about 7! I didn’t eat anything, but gum all day until about 4. At 4 I had 1 cup of cottage cheese with 5 grapes. I took a nap cause  was exhausted then my mom  woke me up for dinner…Now I remember why I moved out. “I’m not hungry” doesn’t seem to work anymore. So I ate 8 fries, 4 fish sticks that were baked, and about 1/3 cup of cottage cheese. Not tooooo bad I guess. But then, the rest of the night it just didn’t stop! I had a glass of 2% milk, some m&ms, nire grapes, 5 pizza rolls, and then 3 more fish sticks! Will it ever stop? I wasn’t even hungry. I need to start working out agian. Especially since I’m dropping out of classes and not going anymore. …Well to make myself feel even worse about myself I’m gonna post some thinspo about what I’m supposed to look like:

ThinspoThinspoThinspoI LOVE this one..thats all i want

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at PhotobucketI think this is a really normal looking girl..not too thin. That would be a great body to astrive to have.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucketyeah riiiight!

tara-way-too-thin.jpgI heard a guy talking about her today. He said “Man, I wish every girl had that body”

 

Well if thats not good enough for me to get this food shit outta my head then I don’t know what is. Tomorrow I work starting at 9 so I’m going to go to the go mart & get a cup of coffee& put splenda in it && not eat again. I’m going to drink 4 bottles of water before 12:30 because that will mean I will be full for lunch & my body will think I’m not hungry. I’m going to dress cute tomorrow. Maybe a little sundress with a cute jacket. Its finally starting to warm up. I work until about 4. Then I will hit the gym & run..FOREVER. maybe burn about 600 calories on the treadmill. Anyone else know any high calorie burning exercises I should try? I’m new to the whole gym scene & I’m kinda scared to try wierd new things. So yeah..I’ll do that for about an hour, maybe swim for a little bit? I’d rather go to the pool with a friend instead of just me..That seems a little wierd especially since I don’t really swim well. I mean I can swim just not like olympic swim team or anything. As soon as I get some money saved up I’m going to go get some diet pills. I still haven’t decided which kind yet. Maybe green tea, maybe hydroxycut, or stacker. When I get home tomorrow night around 5:30 or 6 I’m going to try to stick with a big salad with fat free dressing or something & then stay busy getting all of my stuff moved in.

 

Good night.