6 days until the 5th

I will be under 140 or I’m NOT GOING! & I HAVE to go! I HAVE to wear shorts & a bikini top, actually I think holey jeans and a bikini top might be cuter..what do you think? I’ll try some stuff one & take pics of myself to decide. I want to look tan, thin, and pretty. How did I gain so much weight so fast. I haven’t even been drinking throughout the week. I thought for sure that was what was doing it. I want to look like a hot beach girl that when she walks by in the sand you can’t help, but to notice her. Why can’t I be THAT girl. Not the girl who tries to wear clothes that are too small for her, or the girl that tries to be pretty, or the girl that you can go the whole night without even noticing she’s there..I’m always ^ THAT ^ girl :(..not this week I’m not! I’ve got til tuesday. Almost 1 week. I can do it.

I’m only taking a 6 pack of beer with me this weekend. its a HUGE music festival. I actually need to go to the mall and try to find some hippie-ish kind of skirts and stuff to wear because thats  pretty much what it is. A whole bunch of 70’s cover bands I LOVE IT!. Oh, the reason I’m only taking a 6 pack is because I’m sure that I will drink more if I take more, also, I’m planning on going home that night, but not if I’ve been drinking like crazy. ALSO, I haven’t been on a scale lately, but this morning when I looked in the mirror I felt that I looked smaller than last thursday when I wanted to kill myself I looked so fat. My situps must be paying off more than I thought they would. Here in a few, I’m going to go home and get my jump rope. I’ve never lost so much weight with so little exercise than I did jumping rope. It sounds stupid, but trust me, try it. It’s 2 pm and so far I’ve had a rather large green apple, but I never actually eat it to the core. it kinda grosses me out..as much sense as that makes lol. I just eat most of the skin off then throw it way lol.

I didn’t go to the funeral this morning. I couldn’t sleep last night and was up for what seemed like forever. I feel bad about it now, but I didn’t want to see him cry. and I feel like if I was there he would know that & not be able to let it out. i don’t know..I’m just making stupid excuses! because I’m selfish like that.

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look into your world pretty baby..

was it everything you hoped it’d be?

I’m falling apart. I think I’d rather be down in the dumps 24/7 that to be up and down and up and down on this rollercoaster ride. I can’t take it much longer! I have to go to my friends dad’s funeral tomorrow. I’m going to try to be supportive, but its just going to be a very depressing day. Then I have to go back to work & live in my misery as I sit alone in an office for 6 hours. Then to the fabulous alcohol safety & treatment courses that I love so much..sike! What a shitty day! Not only that, but the dress I was planning on wearing DOESN’T FIT!! How can it not fit??!! It fit last year! and it won’t even zip! I know I should’ve worked out tonight like I had planned, not that it would’ve made it fit, but it would’ve been better than laying around eating all night! I had a complete and total binge. I can’t even remember what I ate it was so huge. Egg salad, macaroni salad, cookies, chexmix, an apple, fried potatoes and so much more! OMG! I just don’t want to be here anymore. I only have 2 weeks of school left. I need to work on my history class. I missed a lot of them and need to make up a test, but I managed to get the notes from a friend in my class. I’ll try to get those re-copied tomorrow while I’m at work. I probably won’t do it, because then again when do I ever actually do what I say I’m going to?

 

I hate this part right here…

Drinking has become completely over rated. I don’t even like it anymore. I’m over it. I can’t wait to get out of here. Stupid visas! They’re so hard to get. I need a change

My brother’s, well, a really really good friend thats like a brother, dad died today. He was in a car accident. He was such a good man. His wife just up and left him with their 3 boys and he raised each and every one of them even sending one to college and caring for one who is mildly mentally challenged. He was such a good man! I don’t understand why these things happen to people!! Today’s been such an off day. I had to work, but I work in an office with a couch and all I have to do is answer a phone if it rings so I slept til like 11. I cant’ seem to get enough sleep lately. I think my pattern is off. I can’t sleep at night and can’t keep my eyes open during the day. I forgot to take my green tea pill earlier, but I’ll get it when I go home before I go work out. I plan on burning baout 300-400 calories on the treadmill, do abs and arms, then sit in the sauna for abotu 15-20 minutes. That should be decent. I’ve been doing sit ups at night too. I need to work on my thighs, but I don’t want to do weights because I want them smaller NOT bigger.

I managed to by pass my drug test last night..phewww. I’m almost positive i would’ve passed, but I’m not up for taking chances like that! I’ve continued tanning too, but I still feel and look HUGEEE. Usually when I tan I look a little smalled because I’m darker. Not this time. My tooth hurts. ICK. Intake so far has been a turkey wrap with no dressing, swiss cheese ICK, and lettuce. and lotsss of water.

Man I’m bored out of my mind just trying to get outta here. Good luck this evening.

Not even any views..wow

Oh well. This is for me and no one else, so I guess I don’t really care.I was doing great with intake today; as in NOTHING 🙂 Then I was digging through my purse and found a leftover kit kat from like forever ago. There were only 2 1/2 pieces left so of course instead of throwing them away I ate them. They didn’t even taste good. FUCK I don’t even like kit kats! lol Oh well I’m not going to get down on myself. I’m working out tonight with Meg and I’m going to sit in the dry sauna FOREVER! More later..maybe

TOO MUCH WATERR!!

UGH! I’m trying to detox myself, because the genius that I am decided to get high as a freakin’ kite on saturday and there is a GIANT possibility that I may have to have a drug test on wednesday. THC the main chemical in marijuana is stored in fat cells, the more pot you smoke, the more there is stored. I rarely rarely RARELY ever smoke, but I’ve done is twice in the past week and I know for sure that it will show up on the tox screen. I’m headed to GNC as early as I can tomorrow morning to pick up some niacin, some kind of miracle drug that will cleanse your system, then to walmart for some of those home drug test kits to make sure it works. but honestly today I have drank enough water to send even a fish belly up. I guess thats good though, I think its really cleaned out my system a lot. Thats one thing I don’t do enough, is drink water. I always end up grabbing a diet soda..and of course beer. ahh & I’ve been peeing like crazy! Tomorrow’s plan:

Niacin at like 9am or as soon as GNC opens, stilll water like ccrazy, gym around 4 with Meg and there I plan to sit in the sauna for about 15 minutes to release more toxins and get rid of this extra pounds of water weight. I swear I feel like i’ve gained 3 pounds just by drinking so much water. I didn’t eat healthy today, but I didn’t really binge either. Mini muffins, sm. bag of bbq potato chips, and a grilled chicken hoagie with mushrooms and onions..so yeah not exactly the healthiest meal, but still under 800 cals. I’m going to continue to work out regularly and keep tanning and restricting. NO FRIED FOODS and no pop. May 5th here comes thin Sara.

 

I have to get this off my chest! i know no one reads this and I don’t care, but I just have to let it out! Saturday night like I said I got overly drunk, smoked too much, and crushed too many things into little white powdery lines. Why do I do these things??!! really WHY!! am I really that insecure with myself? Do I really hate myself that much? There was a band playing at one of my favorite bars outside of the city. They’re really good. I went to the bar with a little over 1/2 a bottle of bacardi rum and drank it all by the time 2:00am came around, so I grabbed about 4 beers or so to keep the party goin’. After that, the band invited me and a guy friend who works at the bar to go back to a house and party with them. We snatched a case of beer from the bar and were on our ways. Well we got to the party which had NO beer so people kept trying to mooch off me. I only gave away about 4 and they paid me for them. Shane (guy from the bar) and I finished the rest while of course taking time to toke it up and roll dollar bills to clean the overly powdered mirror. I don’t really remember leaving the party, but we did and went back to his house. I don’t remember walking through the front door, or stumbling towards his bedroom, or laying down beside him, but I have faint memories of his tongue in my mouth and the heat of his body on mine. I’m not sure what else happened because that’s the last of my memory, but I woke up around 11ish and found me alone in his bed and him asleep on the couch in the living room. What should I think of that? Maybe I made him get up? Maybe nothing went further because I said no. What if I said yes?..I saw him today, but all he said about that night was how high we were…I though I’d quit this blacking out with random guys shit. I’m not drinking, not smoking, not doing anything else this week. At all! I need someone to watch out for me.

ugh! I have not been this hungover in a very very long time. I drank 5 times my body weight in rum, vodka, and beer…That is why I am never going to be thin again…I’m a fucking alcoholic! No drinking this week. Period. Not even 1 beer. I can do it. I bet I will lose 3 pounds by just not drinking and coming home wasted to raid the fridge

Two new dates 🙂 I’m so excited!

May 5th = cinco de maio! There is a frat having their annual beach party and its going to be HUGE!..& what is NOT going to be huge is ME! =) This is such great thinspo! Its a little over 16 days and I’m going to shrink exponentially! Honestly guys & gals, the best excercise I’ve ever done as far as working the most muscles at once with the least amount of output is jumping rope. I know it sounds stupid, but it builds stamina, lean muscle mass, burns fat, and increases metabolism like nothing else I’ve ever tried. I remember when I was younger and did it for fun, after about a week I noticed that I couldn’t even wear my old pants anymore. & to beat that, they’re about 1/100th of the cost of a treamill lol. I’ll let you know my progress. I’m also stopping by walmart today to get some green tea pills because I’m hearing such great things about them and a bottle of _____. I’m sure those will help some too, while still restricting heavily.

 

July 16th-19th is this huge music festival like right in the middle of west virginia and ohio. Its called jamboree in the hills and yeah it sounds really red neck I know, but its this huge country music festival and I’ve been invited to go with my cousin and some of his GORGEOUS guy friends. I’ll be the only girl, so if I want to keep their attention on my I’ve got to be hot. I’ve been tanning and if I keep up the restricting and working out like I plan, then I should be in GREAT shape by then.

 

I just want to have fun and I can’t have fun because I’m always worrying about how I look or “does this shirt make me look fat?” My love handles are hanging over my shorts..etc. I’m going to be thin, tanned, with long sun-bleached blonde hair in short cutoff shorts, a cute bikini top, and my cowboy boots 🙂 I’ve got the perfect picture in my head and now I’ve just got to put the plan into action. Here’s some thinspo while I’m in a good productive mood.

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shitty week..

I’ve had the crappiest couple of days EVER. My parents & I keep getting in fights. I hate/love being home I’m not sure which one though. I LOOOOVEE not having any expenses, but I hate not being able to walk everywhere like I could from my apartment, their rules, allllll the food! and so much more. I haven’t weighed in  for a while. I don’t want to. I know I’m fat. This summer I plan to be at the river ALLL day long every day that I don’t work. and I’m not about to do that FAT! There is this girl named Brieanna and she’s absolutely gorgeous. I love everything about her lol. its like I’m freaking obsessed I know, but I’m so jealous of her. She comes from a really wealthy family, she’s smart, an amazing dancer, incredible singer, she’s sooo thin & has this hippie vibe about her that I would KILL for! I don’t really know her, but I’ve seen her around & everyone absolutely loves her. Why can’t I be her?  

 

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Just not eating

I’m just not going to do it. Thats all. I’m not & theres the end of it. I’m done being ME!..well, the old me. I was the new, improved, thin, tan, fun ME that I used to be. I did it then, why can’t I do it now? I’m done eating for today, no beer either as much as I’d LOVE to get absolutely wasted right now and forget about my shitty life. Tomorrow is as much celery as I’d like, no dressing of course and tons and tons of water. I finally have some money, so right now I’m going to go to walmart and get some diet pills. I’ll probably go with hydroxycut since thats what I’ve always gotten, but I might go with something different if I like something I see. I hate diet pills, but I’m getting desperate.

 

 more later. shopping time