All that I do..Never seems to be enough for you.

 

And the purging returns.

I have to. I won’t keep it up for as long as last time, but I’m going to make this whale of a body disappear. My eating is fairly under control, but the scale is not moving. I will make it move.

ohh baby your a classic, like a little black dress but you’ll be faded soon.

ohh baby your a classic, like a little black dress but you’ll be faded soon.

Just saw that quote & I really really like it. I’ve cheered up a little bit when I’m keeping myself busy at least..& hey the depression sure has kept me from eating. Finally came across some adderall too! Some that I could actually afford. I’m trying to save it & use it only when I really need it. I always forget to take my green tea pills, but nothing works like those adderall do to control my eating. I need to find a legal diet pill like that. Anyone know of anything generally similar?

I guess you could say that I’m sorta, kinda, not really, almost talking to a guy? lol I don’t want to get anything started since I’m leaving in July of course, but its nice to have the attention. He’s at boot camp & has a job as a police officer when he gets out of training..which just happens to end in July..How convenient right? He gets to come home on the weekends and stay & stuff. We went out last night to a bar/grill type thing to watch UFC (which I’m madly in love with by the way) had a few beers & stuff & him and his friends definately had wayyyy more than me lol So I was getting ready to leave & I told him so he said “well let me walk you out. I have some things I want to talk about.” & when we get outside he tells me that he really  liked hanging out with me and wasn’t sure why he chose another girl over me when we hung out that first few times at the beginning of the semester and that he would like to start talking to me again…..UGH! I don’t know. I hate being picked second! Its like being the last kid picked in gym class, even after the blind kid with no arms..I mean REALLY? He’s really toned up since he’s been away. He works out and lifts all the time. He could still use to lose a little weight though…AHHAHAH!! who am I to be talking lol?! wow..Sometimes I just amaze myself.. Well goodnight girls. Tomorrow is a one meal day for me. Try to do it around 6 I’m thinking a piece of bonless skinnless grilled chicken breast (since the fam will have the grill set up) and maybe some corn or green beans or something of the such. PS I’m totally hooked on celery and fat free blue cheese dressing! only 11 calories per table spoon & I really don’t use much PLUS celery is negative calories! Try it.

Just watched Daliahskinny’s video post with rhythmic gymnasts in it. I used to be really really flexible like those girls. I think I’m going to start stretching a lot again. it was always fun to watch people’s jaws drop when I did some of those moves haha

I’m really REALLY sad tonight for some reason. Not the normal frustrated, self absorbed feeling sorry for myself sad. But honestly sad like I just want to cry myself to sleep kind of sad. I’m not sure why. Not like i’m on my period or anything. Just finished that yesterday. It only lasted for 2 days..SWEET. I miss my douch bag suck ass of an ex boyfriend. actually, I’m not sure if I miss him, or its the fact that I haven’t had any feelings what so ever for a man since him. I need to let go. i don’t want to be here anymore.   😦

I’m making this happen!

I wonder to myself how I can be sooo optimistic at bed time especially after the day’s damage is done, but then by around 3pm I give up all hope.

Oh well, I might as well stay positive while I can right 🙂

WoW! I did it! && I’m not going to ruin what I struggled for by binging like a mad cow. I’m going to sleep in tomorrow and have a grilled chicken salad with fat free dressing tomorrow for lunch and only eat half then fix the rest up for a late dinner around 7.

I always have a problem with eating at night, so I try to plan bigger meals later so that I don’t grab a late night snack like I would if I ate dinner somewhere closer to 4 or 5

Almost there! 12 hours left 🙂

& I had a HUGE scare recently. My period is extremely irregular if I even get it at all, so I don’t really keep track of it. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had it in about 2 months & about 3 weeks ago I got really drunk & stayed with a guy & I remember us making out & stuff, but not much after that, so last night I just decided that I needed to take a pregnancy test to be sure either way. Well, I took it today, HA! on mothers day. & praise the Lord I am NOT pregnant! I hate being freaked out like that! I want to get back on birth control, but I don’t have a BF & haven’t had sex in almost 8 months..except for the slight possibility that one saturdaynight. Thats ALSO why I don’t drink as much anymore. That is stupid to black out and not know what happens to your body. Someone could seriously hurt me & all I care about it getting fucked up. Thats fucked up lol.

50 hour fast with Roxylove16. Any and all are welcome to join. I’m actually going to do this one. I’m going to make it. Good luck to anyone else who decides to accept the challenge!

11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12

1 2

EDIT:

Still fasting. Not even hungry. I slept FOREVER haha, but thats not always a bad thing for me, that way I miss breakfast and lunch & no one tries to ask me to go out to eat or anything.

EDIT:

Still keepin’ it rollin’. I just sent my sis off to prom with her date & friend & date. They looked good, both girls a little chunky, but not fat by any means. I miss high school. I never really took advantage of any of my dances. I never had a real date. Senior year me & my bf broke up right before homecoming so i went alone as the 5th wheel with some friends with dates and then senior prom i had a pitty date. He asked a girl on my softball team & she said no, so then he asked me  Kinda depressing when I think about it. Senior year I looked great. I was 5’9″ about 120 pounds long beach blonde hair, tanned as f*uck. & still couldn’t get anything. Now I’m finishing up my soph year in college, had a tanning package, but rarely went & i’m 20 lbs heavier..ugh! FML!. Well I was downstairs & couldn’t stay out of the kitchen so I just kept chugging glass after glass of water. I had about 4 & that kept me away from the food, but I’m still thinking about it. I keep telling myself at least make it through today, its not that freakin’ long. Only 6 hours til its already been 24, thats better than I’ve been doing. I’m not going to let anything stop me. On monday I’m going to give myself the reward of SUSHI yumm! I’ve been craving it and I was supposed to go out with some friends tonight for it, but they never called or anything..oh well. I didn’t need it & obviously i wouldn’t have been able to go anyway. I wouldn’t just go & sit there haha!..PROBLEM: I’m going with my mom & dad to a baby shower..well not your typical baby shower. Its called a “big belly barbeque” The lady’s not much for frills & fru fru stuff so they’re inviting men and women and theres beer haha! Beer? at a baby shower?? lol maybe I’m the only one that finds that high ironic and extremely hilarious! I know there is going to be food and its going to be sitting out everywhere!! I’m going to ask my parents to stop at go mart so I can get a coffee. That should suppress my appetite and I’ll try to drink it slowly so I still have a lot left by the time we get to the party so I can just sit and drink it. After that I’ll switch to a diet soda, but I will NOT let myself eat! I’ll take pleasure in watching people stuff their faces and get fat. I’m not going to cheat!

Stuff to do when I think I’m starting to get hungry:

[] clean out car

[] do laundry

[] put away clothes (that are still in the basement from moving out HA!)

[] post thinspo

[] print thinspo

[] go to the gym

[] take dog for a walk

[] start journal

[] work on resume

[] paint

[]make hemp bracelets

That should be a good enough list lol

Getting my hair cut today. Idk how short..not too short though. Bangs? or no bangs? That is the question

No bangs, just a trim & I STILL hate it because i feel like it’s too short. AND I’ve eaten like no other! Subway on wheat turkey with no dressing..not TOO bad, piece of fish…FROM LONG JOHN SILVERS!..a piece of fish wouldn’t have been that bad, but I just HAD to get fried fish from a fast food place!, and oreo shake, & some chex mix. ….ok REALLY?!?!?! So yesterday’s fast had no affect? at all? I guess I’ll be fasting again tomorrow. Goal: Shrink stomach to the way it used to be. Remember? You didn’t even WANT to eat & when you did you felt so full after the littlest serving. You can do it STAY STRONG.

I might be seeing my ex, the one that cheated on me & is now engaged with a baby on the way, next weekend the 17th. I’ve got to slim down a little before then. Like I’ve said 10 pounds by the end of the month, that’d be a good check point. I’m still not too sure if he’ll be there, but I’d love to see him & his FAT fiance..& no, not just fat cuz she’s prego, she was fat to begin with. I want him to see the mistake that he’s made. He left a girl with goals, a supporting family, a job, going to school , & had a head on her shoulders…(at least on the outside, but he never really got to expierince the inside thank goodness!) for a self centered, FAT, ugly, big nosed, 30 year old BITCH. I’m watching something on MTV about kids that have had stomach stapling surgery..this kid looks DISGUSTING!! & its after..all his sagging boobs & stuff, but you can see the bones in his chest. I remember being able to see mine, now I can’t see anything besides FAT 

while I kiss the sky..

z186391796

^ i NEED that!

I’m going to be the hot, tan, thin girl at the party that everyone stares at and wants to get to know. The wild one with not a care in the world. The first one to jump up on the bar and start dancing when “Pour some sugar on me” starts playing. UNLIKE NOW. I’m the normal chubby girl that doesn’t really draw any attention to herself & doesn’t dare jump up on the bar 1. bc I can’t dance & 2. cuz i’ll probably break it. I’m going to be light as a feather so when he picks me up to slam me against the wall his chisled muscles don’t even need to bulge. You just wait and see! Everyone just wait and see!

 

Sorry for no posts lately. I’ve been really sick. Not like swine flu sick, just lethargic sick. I’ve been really down on myself too. I hate that. It’s rained for over the past week now, barely clearing up just enough for the music festival on saturday. I’ve eaten like crazy. Before I relapsed I used to keep a written journal with me at all times. I’m going to start doing that again. I’ll still stay on xanga to keep in contact with all of you, but its not the same to me as 24/7 having something in front of me reminding me to get thin & stay pure. I use it daily like a journal, but also add tinspo, drawings, quotes, & tips.

I’m making myself prove to her that I’m worth it. That I am worth the pain I put her through by consuming garbage! I told her I would lose 10lbs by the end of the month and thats exactly what I’m going to do. I started tonight at 11 by fasting. She’ll be proud tomorrow when I finish it.

Good news! Lately I’ve been super fretting about my random drug tests on wednesdays. I don’t have one every wednesday, but there is a chance that I could be randomly chosen. Well, today the instructor called my name and I paniced. I know my heart raced for the entire class. Well I chugged some water & just prayed about it & by the grace of God I was clean!! The last time I smoked was 2 weeks and 4 days ago & I did a few pills on the same night. I’m not going to do that stuff anymore. Its not worth it. Weed makes me eat & I don’t even really like it and pills don’t affect me at all unless I do a bunch & then thats too many & I feel like I’m dying! Its just not worth it. I’m not drinking this week either. Yesterday I had 2 light beers, not that theres actually anything light about light beers lol., but I’m not gonna touch the stuff til next week sometime, if that. I don’t really have any plans for this week. Its the last week of normal classes then next week is finals, but I only have 1 & its on tuesday, so I’m pretty much done. I hope the final is easy, because I really need to do well in this class.

I’ve got a lot of stuff to do before the middle of July, which is when I’m trying to move to Australia.

1. finish up court stuff ( I don’t really have control of that though. My next appearance is the 2nd)

2. get enough money to go. Money is the biggest CONTROLABLE variable right now.

3. get thin (of course)

4. convince my parents..that ones gonna be rough

5. figure out what to do with my dog

6. get visa/plane tickets/passport & all that good shitty stuff figured out. UGH!

 

I may post some pics later pretty much just for my own personal before/after use

WOW that was close! I’m sitting at work (haven’t eaten yet today) and my boss has this enormous box of “big texas cinnamon raisin” danish type things in the office. Well my stomach is grumbling & since I haven’t eaten anything all day I decided I’d probably give one a try. Well I was about to open then package then I reminded myself to look at the content and there’s, you’re not going to believe this, 440 calories!!! In one little roll thingy!! Are you freaking serious??!! I didn’t even eat that many calories in a whole day yesterday! Phew! I’m glad I looked at it before I opened it.

I need to plan out my food for this evening, because if I just go home and look for something to eat I’ll binge. I’ve been doing well lately except for late night snacking. I really need to just quit that!

I’m reading “The Best Little Girl In the World” Its really good. I definately recommend it.

New rule: No taking food into my bedroom!