while I kiss the sky..

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^ i NEED that!

I’m going to be the hot, tan, thin girl at the party that everyone stares at and wants to get to know. The wild one with not a care in the world. The first one to jump up on the bar and start dancing when “Pour some sugar on me” starts playing. UNLIKE NOW. I’m the normal chubby girl that doesn’t really draw any attention to herself & doesn’t dare jump up on the bar 1. bc I can’t dance & 2. cuz i’ll probably break it. I’m going to be light as a feather so when he picks me up to slam me against the wall his chisled muscles don’t even need to bulge. You just wait and see! Everyone just wait and see!

 

Sorry for no posts lately. I’ve been really sick. Not like swine flu sick, just lethargic sick. I’ve been really down on myself too. I hate that. It’s rained for over the past week now, barely clearing up just enough for the music festival on saturday. I’ve eaten like crazy. Before I relapsed I used to keep a written journal with me at all times. I’m going to start doing that again. I’ll still stay on xanga to keep in contact with all of you, but its not the same to me as 24/7 having something in front of me reminding me to get thin & stay pure. I use it daily like a journal, but also add tinspo, drawings, quotes, & tips.

I’m making myself prove to her that I’m worth it. That I am worth the pain I put her through by consuming garbage! I told her I would lose 10lbs by the end of the month and thats exactly what I’m going to do. I started tonight at 11 by fasting. She’ll be proud tomorrow when I finish it.

Good news! Lately I’ve been super fretting about my random drug tests on wednesdays. I don’t have one every wednesday, but there is a chance that I could be randomly chosen. Well, today the instructor called my name and I paniced. I know my heart raced for the entire class. Well I chugged some water & just prayed about it & by the grace of God I was clean!! The last time I smoked was 2 weeks and 4 days ago & I did a few pills on the same night. I’m not going to do that stuff anymore. Its not worth it. Weed makes me eat & I don’t even really like it and pills don’t affect me at all unless I do a bunch & then thats too many & I feel like I’m dying! Its just not worth it. I’m not drinking this week either. Yesterday I had 2 light beers, not that theres actually anything light about light beers lol., but I’m not gonna touch the stuff til next week sometime, if that. I don’t really have any plans for this week. Its the last week of normal classes then next week is finals, but I only have 1 & its on tuesday, so I’m pretty much done. I hope the final is easy, because I really need to do well in this class.

I’ve got a lot of stuff to do before the middle of July, which is when I’m trying to move to Australia.

1. finish up court stuff ( I don’t really have control of that though. My next appearance is the 2nd)

2. get enough money to go. Money is the biggest CONTROLABLE variable right now.

3. get thin (of course)

4. convince my parents..that ones gonna be rough

5. figure out what to do with my dog

6. get visa/plane tickets/passport & all that good shitty stuff figured out. UGH!

 

I may post some pics later pretty much just for my own personal before/after use

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