😥

I know they say stuff has to get worse before it gets better, but for me it seems like its just getting worse to get worse…I found out the other day that my supposed best friend went to a wedding with my ex boyfriend that is in on leave. I didn’t care about that, but aparently he asked her to marry him and they were making out all night long. Talk about a knife to the back! Me & Him were supposed to go out sometime while he was in, but I knew that stuff would probably get rocky and I didn’t want to ruin his time while he was in, so I just minded my own business and avoided the bar that he always goes to. Then today I get a text that says “It was good to see you” from him and I wasn’t even going to text back, but I couldn’t hold it in anymore so I sent back “ya you too. Congrats on the engagement. She’s a good kisser huh? I don’t care who you’re with, but my so called best friend?? really? That knife in the back felt great!” So then he calls. I refuse to answer the phone because I’ve been onthe verge of tears every second of every day and all it would take would be just one little thing so send them falling. He left a message that pretty much said That she wasn’t my friend becaue I talked shit on her and to get over him because all I do is say that I am over it and that I cheated on him and have fucked every guy in town…

It just hurts so bad. My entire body hurts; my eyes from crying, my head from thinking too much, and my back from tossing and turning all night long & lack of sleep. My feet from working too much and most of all my heart because its been shattered by all that I know. It seems like as soon as I start to trust someone they remind me why I never used to. I’m sick to my stomach over all of this and I just want to get out. I’m home, the place I’ve lived in for almost 21 years, but it no longer feels like home to me. Home should be calm, comforting, relaxed…but this place is not. I want to go home. Home to the place where I really belong. I don’t belong here.

I’m tired, extremely angry, lazy, unmotivated, sad, resentful, regretful, sickened, lonely, dejected, rejected, unwanted, looked down upon, on the verge of tears every second of every day, hateful, emotional, gross, and undetermined…Just a few things that have been describing my moods lately. I can’t seem to get at peace with myself. I know this is putting an incredible toll on my body and mind, but I just can’t help it. I can’t even go out and have fun with friends anymore…not that I actually have any. I just go out and get completely plastered to the point where no one wants to be around me. I can’t just go & have a few drinks & get that happy buzz. its like 0-60 in 5 shots.. Everyone seems to be finding someone new. I know I need to surround myself with better people and not worry with what they have to say. My ex bf is in town for 2 weeks. I’m trying to stay as far away from the places he hangs out at as possible. I just don’t want to see him. AT ALL. He stresses me out to the point where I’m having panic attacks and just want to throw & hit things. We can have good conversations every once in a while, but its when he acts like he still knows me and says things about getting back together is when I flip out. I’m not the same girl I was when I was with him. I wish I was. I wish I was still so innocent, so pure, and mostly happy. I’m none of those things now. I keep praying for help and salvation. I know God hears me and I’ve got to do most of the work. I’m just so depressed. I’m debating on going to talk to a doctor. I know I won’t, but I should. I cry every day. Every Single Day. In the shower so no one can hear me, when I can’t sleep and everyone else is already passed out I bury my face into my tear soaked pillow and just cry. Why am I so sad? I know why. This isn’t the life for me. This isn’t the life I planned! I know they say “if you want to make God laugh just tell him your plan for life” but it wasn’t supposed to go this wrong. After graduating highschool, my plan was to go to college to be a dentist, finish up my 4 years close to home. By then I would be 22 and would have met an amazing man, someone probably a little older than me. We would get engaged and I would probably be married by about 24 with a baby on the way as i completed grad school. None of that is going to happen. It makes me sick to think how close I was and how it just slipped right through my fingers. I have SO much pain inside that no one even knows about and I can’t even tell anyone because it makes ME look bad. It hurts so bad to think about it. I try to push it out of my mind, but its still there. Its still always there, always. It haunts me. Haunts me constantly to think how careless and stupid and Naiive I was.  Why did it have to hurt so bad?

 

“My hand shakes as I begin the first chapter of this book. Gripping the pen so tight that the white knuckles begin to scream in agony. The blue pen touches the paper and the words begin to flow. Pressing harder, harder, and harder until the paper can’t take it anymore and it begins to tear with every stroke of the utensil. Chapter 1, The Beginning.

Blue and white caps and gowns are scattered across the gym floor. Students, family members, and teachers stand patiently waiting for the Alma Matter to end. The choir stops and royal and ivory caps float through the air like the free birds that the newly graduated seniors have become. Oh, high school, now those were the days. Counting down the hours, minutes, and seconds until the last bell. We couldn’t wait to get on that open highway. Myrtle Beach bound. I guarentee not a single student will forget that week of absolute freedom that they had been wishing for since the first day they walked the halls of Fairpointe High School. It was a week of raves, booze, sex, and complete detachment from all that was holding them back in the small town of Fairpointe, Alabama.

Well, the week was over before we knew it, but those memories would surely last forever. All I can remember thinking was Wow! So this is what life is going to be like from now on. Boy was I wrong. But I didn’t know that yet, so I was just livin’ the dream, Baby! We all arrived home, tanned, some of us even tattooed, and pierced Most of us still hungover and wreaking of the previous night’s excursions.

That summer was the turning point of life for me. 18 years old, getting ready to start college. I got into my first relationship at the end of June that year. He was a good guy. 3 years older than me, wayy more expierienced, but I think thats what attracted me to him. I was loyal to him as he was to me. He taught me everything. He used to joke about how ordered a “build your own girlfriend” because he litterally had to show me step by step everything. I learned how to kiss. I still smile when I think about that night. I was so embarrassed because I was 18 years old and had never made out with a boy before. He thought it was cute. 

I took a summer school class and met a girl named Emily. She was a punk rocker chick with piercings all over and wasn’t scared of anyone or anything. I envied her so. One night we decided to attend a Frat party. My first, her billion-th. I had my first keg beer, met tons of hot guys, and men actually gave me attention. I was tan, thin, long beach blonde hair, and a beautiful smile. Now that I think about it, I probably would’ve given myself attention too. I wasn’t always that way though. Always tall, always blonde, but rarely ever tan, and not thin until senior year. And even then I didn’t think it was enough. I was never the cool kid in high school. I didn’t really have a clique and the only reason I was asked to go on senior trip was because one of the girls on the softball team I played on had her roommate bail on her. I didn’t fit in that week either, but I managed to have fun and try. I tanned for probably about 3 months before the trip. I wanted to be tan for prom, graduation, spring break, and mainly so when I passed out on the beach I wouldn’t get sun burnt. As far as the thin part goes, I was 5’8″ 152 pounds my sophomore year in high school. I decided that I’d let myself get out of control and it must be stopped. I simply quit eating, and when I did eat I purged. I saw no problem in it. I always told myself “Just until you get to 140, then just 5 more pounds, and 5 more and so on.” I did that until I was a little over 120. I loved myself then. Oh what a dream it was. No wonder the frat guys couldn’t keep their eyes off me. But silly me, I thought they actually liked me for who I was. I learned my lesson. Me, Emily, and 4 other guys who I only know by nicknames stayed up playing cards for hours, getting drunker and drunker by the minute. Emily eventually left, leaving me there to keep on playing. I remember walking up steps, following and being followed. I remember darkness and rustling. I remember asking one of the guys when he took down his pants “what are you doing?” He simply replied “waiting.” It hurt. It hurt so bad. All I could do was cry. Tears soaked the sheets where I was laying reaching for help. None came. What seemed like an eternity later I ran to the bathroom. I cried and cried and cried until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I found a window and jumped to the ground. I’m sure it hurt, but I could no longer feel pain. I ran to my car as the sun began rising over the rolling hills. I drove back home and curled up in my bed and tried to sleep. I tried to tell myself that it didn’t happen, that NOTHING HAPPENED. I knew better. Thats where it all started.

 

Once again, this is probably going to be a super long post, so like always I don’t actually expect anyone to read it. I’m at an all time low lately, & No I’m not talking about my weight. I’m talking about emotionally. I have lost 4 pounds though, I’m so emotional I’m actually making myself sick over it. I just want it all to be over. I’m over all of my court shit, with that stuff I’m just like “whatever’s going to happen is going to happen” But my dreams of traveling this summer/semester were put in a bottle and sunk to the bottom of the ocean, never to return. Thats not exactly something I could get over. I’ll never get the chance again. I’m giving my life away to the Navy. It will give me a job and a life and in 20 years I’ll be retired at the age of 40..who wouldn’t want to be able to retire at 40. Maybe then I can travel. This is so terrible. I’m going no where in life. NO WHERE?! 😥  I have failed. I have completely failed. I’m no longer worth anything and I pray & I pray & I pray, but I can’t get any direction. I think I’m going to quit my bartending job. I don’t know. I don’t even have desire to move out of bed any more. Its tears & more tears every day. I’m going to go talk to my recruiter again tomorrow. I’m going to actually sign today & I’m going to leave at the end of july if possible. Hopefully no sooner..nor later. I’d sort of like to wait until august that way when everyone comes back to school I could say goodbye, but either way I don’t really care about anyone anymore. Not even my dog. & thats always strange because I always kind of (as stupid as this sounds) talk to them & they calm me down. I can’t help, but just to cry my eyes out constantly… ever since last summer my life has just been a downward spiral. I’m not completely blaming it on my ex, but thats just where it all started. Its sickening. I’m just going to continue moving in a slowforward motion in the same ‘out of it’ daze that I’ve been in since then. I don’t even want to be happy any more I just want to be anything but sad and depressed…

Joining the Navy…

So, yeah, just as the title says, I’m joining the Navy. I went and talked to a recruiter yesterday and I’m ready to do it. I told my parents today. Dad was super hostile, all he said was “why” then left the room. And mom actually talked to me about it for a few then started to tear up. She thinks its a good idea. Like me, though, she wishes there was another way. We all know there isn’t. I don’t have money to pay for school, I’ve gotten in so much trouble, and I need stablitiy in my life. I thnk the worst part will be boot camp, but all  you have to do to pass the Physical part is be able to run 1.5 miles in a little over 14 minutes haha! I laughed when I read that. I was like umm yeah I pretty much do that on a daily basis times 10!! & push ups & situps of course. I think the pushups will be the hardest part of it, but I’m starting all of it now, that way I can be the best in my class and get some medals & stuff maybe? its 8 weeks long. Deployments are 6 months long and Navy bases are usually located in vacation type areas..duhh cuz they’re around water. I’m not expecting it to be all fun and games, but its what I need in my life. I’m not going to lie either. I expect the training to be terrible. I’m nervous as hell & scared to death, but I know once I do it I’m not going to regret it. Hell, they’ll have 4 years of my life. What good have I done in the last 4 years umm lets see, lose my virginity, start smoking, in & out of hard core eating disorders, move out, move back in, get pregnant, get an abortion, …yeah none of that sounds like a happy ending to me. I hope this works out…

All I ever learned from love was how to shoot someone who outdrew ya….

Man, life has been really rough lately. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground & my head in the clouds, but its hard to do when you just keep gettin’ knocked on your ass. I’m trying to lift my hands to God, but I feel like I’ve just messed up too much. (This next part is just rambling, but just for clarification, I’m not going to preach to anyone or try to force religion, its just what I believe) I know everyone says that God will always forgive us, but I just can’t fathom how he would want to still love me after all that I have done. I cried to him all night and morning today. I begged him for forgiveness. I begged him to hold my hand through all this and give me strength to carry on. I know he loves me and I need to get closer to him. A lot closer. I’ve found myself talking to him a lot more lately. I need support in everything that is happening now, and I need him to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay, because I have his love and that’s all that matters. i get really emotional when I talk to God and even when I talk about him. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if its because I feel shamed, or minimal in his presence, or if it is him telling me to just let it go. Hand all of my trouble over to him and he will take them. I try to let it all go and just let the tears flow, but I have made myself so numb to all pain and weakness that all the comes out is barely a single tear. They never make it past the eyelids. I used to pride myself on this, but now I hate myself because of it. It is all black and white to me now. There is no in between, there is no grey!

OK. Enough of that rant, something a little different now (and slightly ironic). A guy friend of mine and I were talking last night at work and I think we were talking about some stupid cosmo quiz or something, but out of no where he said “Sara, I think you’re bisexual” Those words just shocked me!! I mean, yes I think the female body is amazing and absolutely beautiful, well, I’m obsessed with it. Obsessed with PERFECTION. But not entranced by women in a sexual way at all. I don’t fantasize about girls or even think about any of that. That just shocked me!! I’m not sure why he said that to me, and he couldn’t give me any reasons. Maybe its because I haven’t been with a man for almost 8 months now. No one believes how Matthew broke my heart. And theres no one in this stupid rinky dink town that is of any interest to be for a potential relationship. I keep thinking ‘well just give someone a try, if it works it works and if it doesn’t then thats okay too’. But thats not okay. I dont’ want just a random hookup. I’m not like that anymore!!

 

“My mom always said that prayer is just putting your hands in the air and knowing that God is reaching back.”–Pushing daisies.