All I ever learned from love was how to shoot someone who outdrew ya….
Man, life has been really rough lately. I’m trying to keep my feet on the ground & my head in the clouds, but its hard to do when you just keep gettin’ knocked on your ass. I’m trying to lift my hands to God, but I feel like I’ve just messed up too much. (This next part is just rambling, but just for clarification, I’m not going to preach to anyone or try to force religion, its just what I believe) I know everyone says that God will always forgive us, but I just can’t fathom how he would want to still love me after all that I have done. I cried to him all night and morning today. I begged him for forgiveness. I begged him to hold my hand through all this and give me strength to carry on. I know he loves me and I need to get closer to him. A lot closer. I’ve found myself talking to him a lot more lately. I need support in everything that is happening now, and I need him to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be okay, because I have his love and that’s all that matters. i get really emotional when I talk to God and even when I talk about him. I’m not sure why. I’m not sure if its because I feel shamed, or minimal in his presence, or if it is him telling me to just let it go. Hand all of my trouble over to him and he will take them. I try to let it all go and just let the tears flow, but I have made myself so numb to all pain and weakness that all the comes out is barely a single tear. They never make it past the eyelids. I used to pride myself on this, but now I hate myself because of it. It is all black and white to me now. There is no in between, there is no grey!
OK. Enough of that rant, something a little different now (and slightly ironic). A guy friend of mine and I were talking last night at work and I think we were talking about some stupid cosmo quiz or something, but out of no where he said “Sara, I think you’re bisexual” Those words just shocked me!! I mean, yes I think the female body is amazing and absolutely beautiful, well, I’m obsessed with it. Obsessed with PERFECTION. But not entranced by women in a sexual way at all. I don’t fantasize about girls or even think about any of that. That just shocked me!! I’m not sure why he said that to me, and he couldn’t give me any reasons. Maybe its because I haven’t been with a man for almost 8 months now. No one believes how Matthew broke my heart. And theres no one in this stupid rinky dink town that is of any interest to be for a potential relationship. I keep thinking ‘well just give someone a try, if it works it works and if it doesn’t then thats okay too’. But thats not okay. I dont’ want just a random hookup. I’m not like that anymore!!
“My mom always said that prayer is just putting your hands in the air and knowing that God is reaching back.”–Pushing daisies.