Once again, this is probably going to be a super long post, so like always I don’t actually expect anyone to read it. I’m at an all time low lately, & No I’m not talking about my weight. I’m talking about emotionally. I have lost 4 pounds though, I’m so emotional I’m actually making myself sick over it. I just want it all to be over. I’m over all of my court shit, with that stuff I’m just like “whatever’s going to happen is going to happen” But my dreams of traveling this summer/semester were put in a bottle and sunk to the bottom of the ocean, never to return. Thats not exactly something I could get over. I’ll never get the chance again. I’m giving my life away to the Navy. It will give me a job and a life and in 20 years I’ll be retired at the age of 40..who wouldn’t want to be able to retire at 40. Maybe then I can travel. This is so terrible. I’m going no where in life. NO WHERE?! đŸ˜¥  I have failed. I have completely failed. I’m no longer worth anything and I pray & I pray & I pray, but I can’t get any direction. I think I’m going to quit my bartending job. I don’t know. I don’t even have desire to move out of bed any more. Its tears & more tears every day. I’m going to go talk to my recruiter again tomorrow. I’m going to actually sign today & I’m going to leave at the end of july if possible. Hopefully no sooner..nor later. I’d sort of like to wait until august that way when everyone comes back to school I could say goodbye, but either way I don’t really care about anyone anymore. Not even my dog. & thats always strange because I always kind of (as stupid as this sounds) talk to them & they calm me down. I can’t help, but just to cry my eyes out constantly… ever since last summer my life has just been a downward spiral. I’m not completely blaming it on my ex, but thats just where it all started. Its sickening. I’m just going to continue moving in a slowforward motion in the same ‘out of it’ daze that I’ve been in since then. I don’t even want to be happy any more I just want to be anything but sad and depressed…

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