I’m just so tired of being sad. Today really pushed me over the limit..once again..I’ve had tears in my eyes all day..since about 3 pm. I’m not usually one who takes what people say to heart. I don’t..I just don’t care. No matter what someone says about me I’ve probably said worse about myself, so that doesn’t bother me. I’m just so tired of being alone. I don’t need a boy friend, I don’t want sex, not a kiss or anything like that. I just need someone I can feel comfortable around. i just need a hug. A boy hug. Not one of those hugs your friends gives you that just lets you knwo that they’re there. One of those hugs that they just hold on a little too long, one of the ones where you body just seems to melt into theirs, where your head finds the perfect place right against their chest..That’s what I crave for..more than food, more than alcohol, more than pills and coke, I crave for a hug…and its the one thing that I can’t have.
I’ve figured it out. I’ve figured out my hunger weekness. I’m going to fast until I get a REAL compliment/hug from a guy. They’ll see. I can do it.
Come on girl. This you can do. Once you get what you need, then you deserve to have a taste of food. Then you deserve it.
I’m not one to normally complain about being single. I never really have been. I was never the girl in middle school or high school that dated or had the b/f. I was always single until senior year even then it lasted about 4 months because I was not ready to commit or ready for the things he had in mind. My next relationship was the beginning of my freshman year in college which lasted almost 6. and then there was Matt & we’ll just not go there. But that whole thing ended last August. It’s July 21st and I have not even come close to ANY kind of relationship nothing! at all! I mean, I’ve kissed like 3 boys, but come on! Its been almost a year?! The closest I’ve come is meeting a random guy at a bar for a midnight makeout session and once I went to a movie with a guy last december..yeah. LAST december!! I’ve got nothin’. Its not that I can’t find ANYONE who would want to go out with me, but I’m no longer settling for some ass hole that just wants a fuck buddy. I’m looking towards my future. want a family, children, 4 of them!, i want a big family and a house that fits all of us comfortably, and a dog that will love and protect us. I’m ready to settle down, get serious, and start my life. This weekend I’m going to try to go out to a new place rather than the same old same old places I always travel to. I’m also going to start looking into another job. My bar just brings in the same old same old guys. The ones with nothin goin for them, with nothing to do but drink budweiser and play pool on the shittiest table in town. Maybe I’ll get all “classed” up and hop into a classier bar. I wish i was 21. Its close enough. i’ve only got about 4 months to go, almost exactly! i’m still thinking about the Air force. I’m going to call my recruiter tomorrow to schedule for my ASVAB for the 4th of august. I’ve been studying for it because I want to do very well that way I can have as many opportunites for as many jobs as possible. When I get the list of jobs that I’m elligible for I’m going to shoot straight for the top. I’m going to make a good life for myself, i’ve determined that a LONG time ago, but now I’m ready to share that with someone. September 8th will determine my future. It will determine whether or not I’m guily or innocent, set back or set free and its like I’m walking a tight rope and the light has all of a sudden run out at the end. My next step (8th) could either be right on the path I’ve been walking, or it could be a total drop off. After that drop off I might as well be dead because there will be NOTHING left to live for. My life will end if that happens. I know that I had NOTHING to do with the crime. i know that for a fact and people who have seen the evidence know that for a fact, but there is that ONE person who says that it was me. I will make him eat his words
I need to get my sleep back under control. I can’t fall asleep until after 5 in the morning and I don’t wake up til almost 3pm..which doesn’t help me be tired by night time when its time to go to sleep. Tomorrow I’m going to try to have my sister take me to the mall. Or at least walmart. I kinda need an outfit for tomorrow night. I’m supposed to hang out with a friend I work with. I stayed with him one night & we made out & stuff but thats it, yet he still talks to me. I’m sure he wants more out of it, but I’m not willing to give it to him. I made a pact with myself that I’m not drinking until July17th..mostly in an attempt to lose most weight. I keep yo-yo-ing by 5 freaking pounds. Thats ALOT usually its like 1 or 2..but 5??!! On the 17th there this sorority outting with a lot of frat guys too. I’m wearing a red halter dress on the formal night. Its a little above the knees and right now it fits, but its absolutely skin tight. It doesn’t look too bad because of the way the material pleats, but I feel like I look bad & thats even worse…So I’m looking for a different dress & thats the reason for the mall, plus some kind of sleep meds. I’ve been running a lot more lately. I can tell that i’m building up my stamina. I notice I am able to run farther and father every time without stopping. I need to keep it up. AND I need to get back on the jump rope. I also do pushups every day because of getting ready for boot camp. I want to be ahead when I get there. I don’t want to be the last one across the finish line EVER. I want to be able to keep up with the guys I want to be number 1! I’m going to fast until dinner tomorrow. I’m going with my family to some kind of cookout & even at the cookout I’m going to keep it smart. Lots and lots of water throughout the day. YES!! I just asked my sister and she said she’ll take me shopping & my mom wants to go too..which kinda sucks & is kinda awesome at the same time. That means we’ll have to wait around for her while she looks for her stuff, but its cool cuz maybe she’ll pay for some of my stuff. hmm outfit for tomorrow..I’m thinking white cargo pants & a navy tank/tubetop?? sounds very nautical to me & I’m going to try to curl my hair like taylor swifts..I have super curly hair & when I run a curling iron through some of the pieces like she does it looks almost just like hers. It takes FOREVER though! I wish I had like 30 people to do my hair & make up like she does..that would rock..ps she’s super skinny & seems super down to earth. NO JUNK FOOD AT THE MALL TOMORROW!