I really can’t take this anymore. I’ve cried all day today. I am irresponsible, hateful, a liar, putrid, sick, and a terrible terrible person. I can’t do anything right and I find myself constantly getting excited for life to only be shut down completely. I have litterally cried ALL day even the smeared mascara has been washed off my face because of the constant flow of salty tears. I can’t get anything right. My ED is all I have to fall back on. I’m tired of hearing “itll get better” I’ve been hearing that for the last 6 months to a year! I can’t even breathe because I can’t stop bawling. I’ve got to get out of here. I just can’t do it anymore. Stuff has never been this bad…This isn’t the way my life is supposed to be.
How many nights have I fallen asleep on a soaking wet pillow, mascara and eyeliner streaming down my face? When was I happy? I can’t even remember! I remember I loved being skinny and being able to buy and wear small clothes, but I’m not sure I was actually happy. I’m supposed to be applying to the air force. I was supposed to take my asvab on monday. They didn’t call, they didn’t show up, no e-mail messages or nothing. All the armed forces are supposedly begging for people especially smart people with some college education, but then they don’t even care? It’s pretty sad when even the Air force forgets about you. I mean, I’m used to being forgotten, but I actually felt wanted for once, even if it was fake and they just wanted money and people, but for once there was just that feeling of acceptance. I need a place in this world 😥 what if I never find one? What if I don’t belong?..Who am I kidding?..I don’t belong anywhere. Not at home, not at either of my jobs, not in my family..I’m the black sheep of both sides of my family. I don’t know why I can’t find a place for me in this world. I dream of a place..a beautiful place where I can genuinely smile and know the feeling of real love. A place where I’ll never have to feel another warm tear stream down my cold skin and hear the gentle sound as it hits my pillow. It doesn’t exist. but it sure would be nice if there was someplace close. My mother keeps making not-so-little hints about me being single. One was “Why have you been single for so long?” and another one of my favorites “I don’t want you and your sister to have kids tomorrow or anything, but I sure can’t wait to have little ones running around here” Yeah mom, if only you knew the half of it. If only you knew the things that have happened to me or the things that go through my head on a daily basis, if ooonnlyyy you knew…I’ve even lost my apetite. I love that of course, but that never happens, not when I’m depressed or heart broken or anything..but this is getting bad. I think about cutting constantly. I want to cut deeper though, not just the surface anymore. This army stuff better happen really fuckin fast or something bad is going to happen. Something REALLY bad