Almost binged tonight. It was close. Today I’ve kept it down to celery & hot sauce, 1/2 a piece of garlic toast YUCK, a fun sized pay day (in front of my mom I might add), and 2 chips ahoy cookies. I’m at 145.6. Thats down 7 lbs in a week. I need to find time to work out, but all I want to do is stay in bed. My friend Ricky says its because I’m depressed..whatever.

I ate today. Ihad a 6inch low fat chicken sub on wheat bread with lettuce, pickles, and onions and light ranch dressing. I drank an unsweet tea. I figured I had to get some carbs in me so I didn’t feel like I was going to pass out like I did for quite a while last night. I’m going to drink a hydroxycut around 6 or 7 tonight so I don’t eat at/after work. I hope we can close early. All I’ve wanted to do lately was sleep. I haven’t weighed myself today. I’m nervous. I think I went up..actually I’m almost positive I went up. I need to get a work out schedule going. I’ve got my eating under control now I just have to get active. ..More later, but for now I have to go to the tanning bed then work at 5.

“Not all those who wander are lost”

I don’t need food anymore 🙂 These hydroxycut things are fucking amazing! I can’t even express it! Yesterday I ate 1 reese cup. Thats it. Today I had 2 french fries, about 6 sticks of celery with some bleu (oops), then I took a perk 10 & got the shakes & felt sick, probably cuz i barely had any food in my system so I drank 1/2 a cup of regular pepsi and ate about a cup full of plain salted chips. I felt better after that. I can’t believe how I’m doing this! If this is all it took all along I could’ve been so thin by now. But now I’m at 146.0 I was at 147 this morning. I can’t wait to see how much drops over night! I WILL be thin by halloween! 17lbs to go!! lost 6lbs in less than a week. I love not eating! I’m getting tan too. Things might be looking up. I need to lay off these pills tho..its gettin bad.

YESS!!!

Guess what I ate today!! Guess! Guess! A reese’s cup!  hahah yes thats it! Those hydroxycut packets really freakin work! Not hungry AT ALL! I didn’t even WANT to eat at all! This is great!..AND I scored a perk 10 haha.

Life’s not fair & damnit neither is death. No ones ever taken at the right time..Not that theres a right time to die or anything, but Jesus! why do they all have to be so young? why is everyone so young? & they’re dying! Its just not fair, not at all. They haven’t even had the chance to live yet and they’re gone. I pray that they’ve lived a good life. I don’t wanna miss a thing.

Best quote ever! :

“There are times when we’re limited only by what our minds deem fesible, failing to realize what, through additional focus and effort, can actually be achieved.”–

I forget who the guy was that said it, but he’s a long distance runner..runs like 30 some miles A DAY! Could you imagine running that far? damn NOT ME.

3That will be me..except my dog would eat that mutt for breakfast lol I have a german sheppard.

 

I’m doing well. Not good, not bad, just well. I’m at the lowest I’ve been in a while. Still 17.3 lbs from my goal weight, but I have lost 5lbs in 3-4days. I got those new hydroxycut advanced packets that you pour into your water. They actually work! I wasn’t hungry allllll day yesterday..Then again I’m not sure what/who I was yesterday with the mix of chemicals I decided to put into myself. hydroxycut. weed. alcohol. weed. hydroxycut. 2 7.5’s. blow. alcohol. countless cigarettes. blow. weed….Then came the 3am mcdonalds..fuuuuck. It didn’t even taste good because i was so numb from the blow…Now today my stomach is all fucked up from God only knows what..I’m just going to convince myself that its because my period is ending and not all the fucked up shit I did last night. I figured out that I don’t need to drink to enjoy a party as long as I’m in a good mood and can get a little fucked up. No one even knew I was fucked up last night. Thats the best part. Its not like when I’m too drunk to stand. I can still get that feeling without anyone even knowing.

I need to just give up on boys. I’m leaving soon anyway, so I don’t know why I bother even thinking that there would be even the slightest possibility that someone would want anything to do with me. I don’t want to start a relationship because I know for a fact that will make boot camp harder on me..well both of us. I know how I missed Sean while he was away and we weren’t even together anymore…Then again maybe it would make it easier on me? Knowing that I had someone that loved me waiting for me back home?..or worse knowing that I loved someone back home that could be doing God only knows what…Any opinions?

PS I think tanning makes me feel better..

Anyways, write that quote down & keep it somewhere special to remind you to take it to the limit. Its mind over matter ladies & gents and it IS possible.

I’m going to go get my hair cut today. ..well, not like chopped off, just trimmed. I can’t wait til I get it complete chopped off though..even though I’ll probably look absolutely rediculous. Thats why I have to keep up this diet. If I have time I’m going to go buy a tanning package too. I need to do things to feel better. I’m so down on myself and its beginning to show to everyone. My customers, my family, my sorority and everyone can see it. Tanning always makes me feel better. I think when you’re tan you look thinner too. I’m looking around at my area gyms too since I can’t work out at the school anymore since I’m not a student. None of them have tanning beds but that would be awesome if they did. Well, one does, but thats where all the kids I went to high school with go and its mostly guys and I’d just prefer to stay away from there. No thanks! okay well I have to work at 5, so I’d better head to the salon since myhairs so long and it takes forever to do. Have a good day.

He met a girl. He met a beautiful beautiful girl. God, she is gorgeous. Absoutely beautiful. Tall, thin, dark mahogany hair, very Greek looking.  I don’t understand how someone can go from not knowing a person, to befriending them on facebook, to sending messages, to using their 1 phone call per day to call that person. ..and I’m out every night working at a bar where hundreds of people go..and I haven’t had a date in over a year. How does this happen? He’s honestly not that good looking..actually, he’s not very good looking at all. Maybe he’ll eventually get past the looks and realize the girl is dumb as a rock..nah. I doubt it. She’s way too gorgeous. I can’t even dream of being that pretty. He hasn’t talked to me in weeks. He’s on his way home I guess…to see her. He didn’t tell me he was coming home. I guess I’m no longer  important. Thats to be expected. I’m usually not.

Embarassed

I feel like my sister is embarassed by me. She never wants to do anything together. Our schedules mainly conflict each other, but when there is a time, like today where we both have to do something at 5, she doesn’t want to run to the mall with me. If I were anyone else or one of her friends she would jump right off the couch and be in the car already. Haven’t cried for a few days. I guess today I couldn’t be so lucky. I know I shouldn’t get so emotional about it, but just the thought of her despising her only sister, me, KILLS me. Its bad enough my parents have to live through it, but my own sister, The girl who always looked up to me and wanted to be like me and be a big girl like sissy and do all the stuff I did…Now wants nothing to do with me and probably doesn’t even call me her sister anymore. I can’t say that I blame her. I have failed.

I already gave up on my 1.5 mile run…I think I tried to start too fast. I ran a .5 at the pace I was trying to keep, but it was just too fast for the rest and I’m still trying to get over this cold. I need to start walking/running daily along with jump roping. and take this at a steady incline instead of trying to jump right into it. I’ll work on my push-ups/sit-ups later. I’m kindof in a down mood right now.

Starting over.

Yes, that’s right, I’m starting over. Everything. Weight management, tanning, beauty, exercising, and just LIFE in general. I’m going to start taking care of myself. Since taking my test for the military and only being 10points off from a PERFECT..well which is pretty much the story of my life. 10 points/lbs from being perfect..But I’m not going to stop there. I am going to start eating HEALTHY. I have to get ready for the Navy. I need to be fast, strong, well, and most of all MENTALLY READY. My 8 weeks in basic training is going to be tortureous no matter what, but it will be absolute HELL if I let them get into my head..especially the way things are up there lol. I’ve decided I’m not really going to drink until halloween. That is only about 6 weeks away. No one thinks I can do it. Thats what I like most about it. I’m not saying I won’t have A beer or 2, but I’m DEFINATELY not going to get drunk and be stupid. I’ll still go to parties and suck, but I’ll offer to drive since I can’t drink and drive. I’m going to make working out a priority! That is for sure. I have several things I need to work on, because I want to be prepared for when I go to Great Lakes. I’d really like to lose about 10lbs before halloween also. I have 3 costumes (PS Halloween is my favorite holiday so I celebrate for like…a whole week!) and only 1 of them is okay for me to wear at this time. Its a sailor..somewhat cliche’ I know, but its sortof ironic since I’m goign to the navy so that’s why I bought it. The other ones are Ms. Evil Kenivil and its a 1 piece white dress type thing..You can TOTALLY see my rolls through it though. and the last one is Heidi from Tool Time. I think it would be cute to wear like a white tanktop/1/2 shirt cutoff daisy dukes & a tool belt with some boots..I thknk that would be adorable, but it won’t look too good on a whale. Soo the stuff I need to work on:

Upper body strenght

Speed

Agility

Stamina

Core body strenght

AKA: Pushups, pullups, running, and sit ups

Not TOO bad, but I’m going to go in trying to be able to DOUBLE my times on all things because I know I will be hungry, tired, homesick, sad, scared..etc So I’ve got to get myself OVER ready. The part I’m having the most trouble with is the upper body strength. I just can’t seem to build strong muscle there. I’m sure my diet doesn’t help any. Tomorrow I’m going to do an assessment test on myself tomorrow I will see how far I can run in 14 minutes (should be 1.5 miles) How many push ups I can do in 2 minutes (at least 47) and how many sit ups I can do in 2 minutes (at least 58)..ohhh this is going to be rough lol..especially the pushup..I’ve got to work on this upper body strength. I really don’t want to have to join a gym for the weights! I’ll let you guys know tomorrow how everything goes. Wish me luck!