its one of those days again, one of the ones where I’m going to cry alllll day, I just know it. It’s 10:30 and I haven’t stopped bawlin my eyes out since I woke up. I just am really not happy with my life. I think I’m going to talk to my mom about it. I really think I need to go talk to a psychaitrist. I hate saying that! but I really do need to talk to someone besides my dog. I just have so much going on and I know ‘normal’ people think they do too, but if they only knew what was going on inside my head, they’d know that something wasn’t right.
I think of “its a girl” I think of purging constantly, even when I haven’t eaten. I think of cutting, killing myself to just make it easier on everyone, I think of how I’m such a loser for dropping out, how I should just take a bunch of pills so that I can never wake up, I think of drugs and wish I was happy, I think of the life that I’d planned and where I am now and how I’m not supposed to be here..not the way I am now at least.
One of my friends said something the other night like “I wish I could see the things going on in your head” I just laughed because NO ONE would believe the things that went on up there..No One…I probably have that same black spot in my brain that serial killers do. it’d be just my luck
EDIT: sad mood, so I’m listening to sad songs & reading sad movie quotes so I’m just gonna sit here & cry.
I know what it’s like to want to die. How it hurts to smile.
How you try to fit in but you can’t.
How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.
-Susanna: Girl Interrupted
It’s my heart, and its broken.
-Finn: Great Expectations
Purple in the morning, blue in the afternoon, and orange in the evening. Just like that, one, two, three, four!
-Sara Goldfarb (about her pills): Requiem for a Dream
He was like an angel, you know?
I never knew life could be like that.
He was the one thing I followed through in my life, the one thing I didn’t give up on.
I was good at loving him.
-Caroline: The Untamed Heart <–reminds me of my ex 😦
However long the night, the dawn will break.
Depression, when it’s clinical, is not a metaphor. It runs in families, and it’s known to respond to medication and to counseling.
However truly you believe there’s a sickness to existence that can never be cured, if you’re depressed you will sooner or later surrender and say: I just don’t want to feel bad anymore.
The shift from depressive realism to tragic realism, from being immobilized by darkness to being sustained by it, thus strangely seems to require believing in the possibility of a cure…
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘It might have been.’
-John Greenleaf Whittier
The walls we build around us to keep out the sadness also keep out the joy.
There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery the time when we were happy.
It is lonliness that makes the loudest noise..- Ain’t that the truth
I talk to God but the sky is empty.
When I look in your eyes, I see the wisdom of the world in your eyes
I see the sadness of a thousand goodbyes
When I look in your eyes
-Diana Krall: When I Look in Your Eyes
ehh thats enough for now. I can’t stop thinking about cutting. I don’t know why. I’ve been so good lately and haven’t cut for so long. I don’t know why I can’t stop thinking about it. I just want to dig up my old razor run a hot bath and hurt myself on the outside so I can forget about the sorrow on the inside.