“The truth is, no one wants to know the truth.”

^–Ain’t that the truth…Spent much of today crying again. Where do tears come from? and why do mine never seem to run out?

No one even knows. No one knows me. No one knows anything about me! How can I constantly cry and this about self destruction every hour I’m not asleep or at work and not a single soul even have a clue. Will the tears ever end. Will they?! I feel like sometimes surviving is all the living I can do. What would YOU do if the world suddenly gave up on you? Some days all I want is to be a missing person. I mean, I’m not here. Not really here at least. I may go through the motions of a living being, but its not me. I don’t know where ‘me’ is. I don’t want to be me anymore! I hate this person that I have become. I have no one to talk to, no one to tell this to. No one will understand. I’ll never be perfect. I’ll never find love and I’ll just go night after night crying myself to sleep. Drowning in my own tears. Too look at my smile is to see a lie, but to feel this pain is to agonize in the truth. Its not even the stupid little girl broken heart thing. My world is honestly destroyed. My parents despise me because I am not the daughter they dreamed they’d have, my little sister is embarassed by me because I am a failure. I have no friends because, honestly, why would someone want to hang out with an ugly dropout that couldn’t find a date if her life depended on it. I don’t even expect good things to happen anymore because all I got was disappointment, now, I don’t expect anything and STILL somehow get let down. How is that possible??! How is it possible for 1 person to be so upset with their life. Why can’t I even just get ahead.?! No one will ever know how many times I’ve looked in the mirror and told myself I wasn’t good enough. Sometimes I wonder whats the point in getting back up when falling is all I’m ever good at. For once, the girl who never stopped trying is finally giving up. The scars on my wrists speak the words that I can’t. I’m so sad I’m making myself sick. I have that feeling in my stomach, you know the one right before your throw up. It just won’t go away and with every tear it gets worse….I guess nothing makes us as lonely as our own secrets…But don’t worry everything is fine, couldn’t hurt worse.

 

I love sleep…my life has a tendency to fall apart when I’m awake. – Hemmingway

..Too bad I can never get any. I can’t even cry myself to sleep anymore because all I think about is how..well..Here’s an example, when a man and woman are sooo in love and then in old age one of them dies because they are so overcome with sadness and heartbreak..I keep having this feeling that my body is just going to fail me and I am going to die because of lonliness, depression, heartbreak, saddness, failure, hatred, despair and darkness. In my world it is always 3 am..dark, damnp, cold, quiet, and lonely. When will morning come?

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