The next person that tells me “it’ll get better” is going to get kicked in the mouth! I think I hate that line more than any other sypathy line EVER. I’ve been hearing “it’ll get better” for the past year or so now if not longer. And has it? ya sure, I’ll go out somewhere and forget about my problems for a few hours..then go cry myself to sleep that night. And honestly, I’m not going to say it CAN’T get worse, but I know I won’t be able to handle it if it does. I’m so on edge now as it is, I’d probably end up in an inpatient program or something.
So, I didn’t have much time to write yesterday because I was in a fit of rage and tears and I had to go to work, but yesterday when my mom said I’d been withdrawn and looked like hell I plain out told her “I just hate my life.”..It didn’t seem to phase her much. I don’t think she’s taking me seriously. If my child, who I knew had issues with eating, never really had any friends, and was always somewhat withdrawn; If they told me they hated their life I would probably never let them out of my sight for fear that they would do something rash. ..But no, my mother just went on about how she hopes I’m not “doing anything to make myself feel better in the short term, that will actually hurt me later on in life.” and I got the whole “I know you’re depressed right now” speech. Give me a fucking break mother! this is not one of those..Oh I had a bad day kind of things! This is a I HATE MY LIFE the way it is right now kind of things. ugh! i cry to myself every day because this is not the way my life is supposed to be and then I hate myself for hating my life!..Its not my life thats bad..its my head. Something’s just not right there.
That will be me one of these days. Thats my cousin Andrea. She’s beautiful. That is one of her engagement pics. Her husband Chad is so in love with her. One day that will be me; happy, beautiful, in love…The more I think about that though I just feel like I’m standing on a river’s edge with only 1 way across and its to swim, but the river is so wide I cant even see the other side and I know there’s no way I’ll make it across.
..and the tears, they fell like rain.