Back in the 130’s!!…weighed this morning and I was 139.0 that is 1.1lbs less than last night. I haven’t been doing anything at all. I sleep, work, and drive around. I pretty much quit drinking, so I think that’s helped. I went from 152.8 to 139.0 in less than a month, but of course thats the same thing that happened last time. and then once I got to about 137 i plateaued and really had to work hard for every pound I lost. Oh well, I’ll take it as it comes, but I’m really excited that I actually met my goal for once. I wanted to be 140 by halloween and I actually EXCEEDED it. But, I think the reason I haven’t been eating is 1. because I’m just always exhausted & keep my mind busy 2. smoking. I went from milds, to lights, to full flavor menthol crush, anytime I want to eat I just go smoke & dont’ want to anymore. 3. I got my tongue pierced!! I got it done 4 days ago and I still don’t really eat with it in. Soup & coffee is about it for me. I had to have a snack cake at work yesterday because I thought I was going to pass out. But yeah, the tongue ring still hurts really bad and I want to take it out constantly, but everyone keeps telling me to leave it in..even though I’ll have to take it out before I go to basic training..so itll be out soon enough. and if it keeps me from eating, I’m allll for it. I’m glad I finally made a goal on time. I’m gonna keep it up

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I’m going to be a really good mom someday. I’m not sure why I’ve been thinking about this lately. Maybe its some kind of ancient instinct that tells a woman once she gets a certain age that its time to start having kids..Not all women of course. I know of a lot of people that never want to have kids. I couldn’t image NEVER wanting children…but whatever makes people happy. I’ve always wanted kids…and lots of them too. Not like that Octamom or the mormon woman on that show thats like 18 kids & counting..or maybe its up to 20 now lol who knows! I think 3 or 4 would be a good number. As long as I’m able to provide for them. I hope their household is similar to mine growing up too. I couldn’t have asked for much more..maybe a little more family time since my parents were always so busy, but I can’t complain about much…sure I turned out pretty fucked up, but its not their fault at all. They were good parents. I think of names all the time for them lol I know its silly, but its just something I’ve always wanted. And I want to start young too. I mean I’m almost 21 so I guess its not going to be THAT young, but my mom didn’t have me until she was almost 30 and almost 33 when my younger sister was born. Thats waayyy too old for me. I’d like to have my first one at about 24/25 and finish no later than when I’m 33. I think that sounds reasonable…hmm but in order to have children, you have to have sex, and since there is no man in my life and there hasn’t been one for OVER A YEAR now..Things aren’t lookin so good lol. I guess I’m okay with being single. I’ve never been one of those girls who was always in a relationship, hell I got my 1st bf senior year and it wasn’t even much of a relationship. We barely even kissed..but we held hands at school and went to each other’s houses and all that cheesy stuff. Sean was my first real boyfriend. The man I lost my virginity to that could’ve very well been a great husband someday..but he was one of those complainers. You know, one of those people that ALWAYS seemed to somehow get hurt. He would tell me almost daily “Oh I broke a finger at work today, so I had to pop it back in.” Or some other sad sob story to get attention. Maybe its middle-child syndrome..He didn’t get enough attention as a child, so he’s trying to make it up now? who knows..Even now when we talk, he’s hurt something or stepped on something or punched something..It got super annoying. Then there was Matt & that whole things was a fairy tale & he was the wicked witch dressed up as prince charming. He told me everything I wanted to hear, but none of it was true…I guess I’m over that..No, I’m not. I doubt I’ll even be. I still catch myself telling the story. Maybe one day… And so, no new boyfriends after that..Oh well, I always seem to walk through door #2 instead of #1..I’m always second choice, second best, second in line..I’m not sure why. I think I’m somewhat of an all around kind of girl. ..Minus the shit that goes on in my head of course, but no one ever learns about that. But, besides that fact, I am very able to keep up an intellegent conversation, I’m not the ugliest cow patty in the field (not the prettiest either of course), I come from a good family, I have a job, I’m polite, I have tons of hobbies, and I’m just geniunely nice..hmff! aparently no one else thinks so..or maybe they’re just not looking at any of that..I’d date me. I’m easily manipulated, even though I hate to lose, I’m intimidated by men..helps them get their way. ..and I’d do just about anything for a person I loved…I don’t let people get close to me..I’m just the girl alone at the bar..or the one thats standing outside leaning on a fence post smoking a cigarette..one of those girls that catches your eye from afar, but you don’t take the time to walk on over and get to know her and then by the end of the night when you’re leaving with one of the flashy hollywood girls ..I’ve completely left your mind..Yep that’s me, I’m sara…

 

Zachary Mason, Collin Alexander,  Jaxon/ Jackson Cole

Olivia Marley, McKenzie Lauren, Kiley/Ryleigh Victoria, *Elizabeth Daisy <-I love that name.

Or something like that…

I just want a nice comfy house, a loving husband, beautiful children, and a loyal mutt..Is that too much to ask lol..apparently so.

Ate shrooms for the first time the other night. It was mind-altering haha. I puked afterwards, but still, I’m glad I did it. Everyone’s trips are different. Mine was like everything was a story. No wonder some of the best artists, musicians, and film makers were fucked up on drugs while they made some of their best works. I used to draw all the time and The other night I drew a picture of a dead tree for my friend who was tripping with me and it was like the lines drew themselves, it turned out to be a really great picture. That night all I wanted was for people to be happy lol..even though I was miserable and I kept telling people there would be “no time” haha cuz I knew the good times would end. When my roommate and I were walking around town on our way back to the apartment she thought everything looked cool, or evil, or colorful etc. and we walked by a house and she said it looked scary and I said it was “sad” lol because no one lived there anymore..I wish I could be on shrooms 24/7..that would be pretty cool…even though at like 5:30 am after I puked all I wanted to do was freakin go to bed and I couldn’t so I drove around town in the freezing pouring rain until 7:45 so I could wait for my mom to leave for work and go home before my dad woke up hahah still didn’t get to sleep til almost 10 am then had to work at 1..it was a long night.

 

I haven’t weighed lately..and I haven’t tanned in the last 3 days. I will tomorrow. and I’ll buy another 30 day package. I just feel fat lately. I need to lose weight before halloween and especially before hawaii. Sean said “yeah you do look pretty swollen in some of your pictures. Did you get stung by something.?” Fucking ass hole. I know I’m not as skinny as I was when we were together and I’m working on getting back to that, but the truth is I’m really not trying that hard. I don’t do sit ups anymore, I smoke;therefore I don’t run, and I don’t do workout tapes OR pushups anymore..I don’t do anything at all besides sleep and eat..guarentee I’m back up in weight again.

back down to a lowest current weight. probably because I’m disgustingly sick. yeah yeah mucus, sneezing, coughing, weezing..oh yeah & with nothing I can do about it since I no longer have health insurance..greaaaat.

She left work around 1:30 this morning and decided she had to smoke a few cigarettes before she got home. Plus she had tons on her mind. There’s nothing a long drive in the wee hours of the morning can’t solve. Nothin on the roads, but a few dear & some traffic lights. Windows cracked, sad country music playing and as she took a drag from the cancer stick and exhaled she decided to think, “when did my life start falling to pieces?” Could it have been when she was about 6 and her mother’s friend said “Oh look at you, you’ve finally got some meat on those bones.” or when she was in 6th grade when the girl sitting beside her had no better comeback than “You’re fat.” Or when sophomore yearbook pictures came in and she actually SAW herself? maybe that was when. Or maybe it was when she was raped 2 weeks into her college career, or the breakup of her very first boyfriend? Possibly when she lost her baby girl..which she wasn’t even sure if it was a baby girl that she aborted…Something in her just knew. How about when she had her heart completely ran over and shattered by a boy that she gave too much of herself to, and to this day would still sickenly die for. Or when she was arrested and realized that she wasn’t invincible. Maybe that was when. Whatever it was, it had torn her down so much that she often times had to remind herself to breathe. All of those things had contributed to the scars on her wrists, hate in her heart, and the tears that began to slowly descend from her eyes. The oncoming headlights refliecting in the salty water in her eyes had blinded her momentarily and at that moment she asked herself, “is this what dying feels like?”  A bright light at the end of the tunnel and flashbacks of the years past. She knew it wasn’t death. Not hers at least. She would be left here on earth to suffer more. She’d asked for it.

Lets face it. The girl was blessed. She had SO much potential, a family that would love her no matter what (even if she could tell they were constantly embarassed by her), a decent job that paid for the bills she no longer had, and she was physically healthy..Notice I said physically. Ha mental health..we’ll not even go there.

 

Who ever would’ve thought that home would turn into a place I didn’t belong?

ugh!! fuck..I just back tracked like 3 days worth of work tonight 😦 I’m really upset about it, but I knew it was happening..the whole time I knew what I was doing..Horrible horrible binge..like 5 granola bars a 9inch low fat chicken sub, 3 potato skins with grilled chicken and cheese and bacon sour cream and ranch..I feel like SHIT!! absolute shit! and I didn’t even tan today. Tomorrow will be fasted. Maybe some celery, but I’ve got to keep away from the sour cream! I feel like I can’t even breathe. I smoked too much weed & too many cigarettes. The weed is why I binged on all the granola bars. It was some Kill shit lol!..but still. If I’m going to smoke I need to smoke like at the end of a night when I can just go to bed.

All I want right now is to cuddle with someone. Thats not going to happen..No one wants a crazy fat ass, drug addict, with a wicked eating disorder. Ha! Who am I kidding?! Quote of the day for tomorrow:

“Its you that has to work hard. Its you that has tell yourself to keep going. Its YOU that has to push yourself to never quit when your BODY doesn’t want to go any further.”