back down to a lowest current weight. probably because I’m disgustingly sick. yeah yeah mucus, sneezing, coughing, weezing..oh yeah & with nothing I can do about it since I no longer have health insurance..greaaaat.

She left work around 1:30 this morning and decided she had to smoke a few cigarettes before she got home. Plus she had tons on her mind. There’s nothing a long drive in the wee hours of the morning can’t solve. Nothin on the roads, but a few dear & some traffic lights. Windows cracked, sad country music playing and as she took a drag from the cancer stick and exhaled she decided to think, “when did my life start falling to pieces?” Could it have been when she was about 6 and her mother’s friend said “Oh look at you, you’ve finally got some meat on those bones.” or when she was in 6th grade when the girl sitting beside her had no better comeback than “You’re fat.” Or when sophomore yearbook pictures came in and she actually SAW herself? maybe that was when. Or maybe it was when she was raped 2 weeks into her college career, or the breakup of her very first boyfriend? Possibly when she lost her baby girl..which she wasn’t even sure if it was a baby girl that she aborted…Something in her just knew. How about when she had her heart completely ran over and shattered by a boy that she gave too much of herself to, and to this day would still sickenly die for. Or when she was arrested and realized that she wasn’t invincible. Maybe that was when. Whatever it was, it had torn her down so much that she often times had to remind herself to breathe. All of those things had contributed to the scars on her wrists, hate in her heart, and the tears that began to slowly descend from her eyes. The oncoming headlights refliecting in the salty water in her eyes had blinded her momentarily and at that moment she asked herself, “is this what dying feels like?”  A bright light at the end of the tunnel and flashbacks of the years past. She knew it wasn’t death. Not hers at least. She would be left here on earth to suffer more. She’d asked for it.

Lets face it. The girl was blessed. She had SO much potential, a family that would love her no matter what (even if she could tell they were constantly embarassed by her), a decent job that paid for the bills she no longer had, and she was physically healthy..Notice I said physically. Ha mental health..we’ll not even go there.

 

Who ever would’ve thought that home would turn into a place I didn’t belong?

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