I’m so lost right now. My ex bf and I hooked up in Hawaii..secretly I think I knew it was going to happen. It has changed things. ALOT. I think about him constantly and I wonder if we’ll get back together. We’re an 11 hour plane ride away from each other. He’s in the middle of the pacific ocean & I’m stuck in this God-forsaken hell hole. He’s in the army. I’m joining the Navy. Who knows where our lives are going to lead us. I know the distance wouldn’t work & neither of us have money to be throwing around on plane tickets every few months. I wouldn’t want to have to worry about what he was doing that night & who he was going out with and stuff like that I wouldn’ tneed that on my mind while I was at boot camp..but  I do still love him…

Lost it! 135.8 must be my magic number? That’s what I’m at again. I weighed 3 times because sometimes my scale gives me different numbers and 1 of the times it said 135.6, but i dunno. Anyways..Last night’s laxative was a TERRIBLE  idea!. I know I needed one just because I hadn’t uhh..ya know’d..in at least 3 days and I had actually been eating a lot, so I knew there was a problem. The package said “gentle releaf by the time you wake up.” HA! There was hardly anything gentle about it at all, and the only reason I work up was at 7:15am when I though i was going to die because of stomach cramps I’d been having for the last 5 hours. They were so bad I only got 3 hours of sleep last night! The cramps and (this is gross, so if you have a weak stomach don’t read it) watery substances continued ALL day at work today and I woke up froma  nap around 9 and had to pray to the porcelean gods AGAIN!..This shit’s rediculous! Litterally!…But since I only had a sandwich and some celery & cauliflower today It has dropped my weight by more than 3 lbs over night. I can see how something like that would get addictive. I want to go out tonight for a while, but I have a lot of packing to do and I don’t really want to get dressed & ready either..Oh well, I need to get out of the house before my parents get home. I know I need to spend time with them since I’m leaving for a week, but I’ve just got to get away from this town for a while, so I can TRY to collect my head.

UGH! How am I GAINING weight?! I fucked up this morning & had a caramel latte..probably like a billion calories in it, but other than that I just had 2 salads with fat free dressing..Oh and a french fry but I could swear all I could taste was the grease in it, so that was the end of the fries. I feel like I even look like I’m fatter too! Although…I did finally get that dress that I’ve been staring at in my close for the last 5 months to ZIP! & it actually doesn’t look too bad. I wish it wasn’t a tube top though. It makes my chest/stomach look really tiny, but my shoulders & arms look HUGE. I’m taking it anyway. I think I have been gaining weight because (this might be gross) I haven’t #2’d in like 3 days!..I took some laxatives so that should help, I don’t like to take them often because I don’t want to mess my body up more than it already is. Also, I hear all kinds of crazy stories about how girls get hooked on them & can’t do it on their own.. That scares me..Well I need to finish packing..Plane leaves in exactly 48 hours!!

Running on Empty & I love it! Lost another pound from last night. I’m glad I was right about the weight I gained back being water weight. Now I’m just prayin that I don’t get too bloated when I start my period..IF I even start it on time. Last time I lost a lot of weight it held off a week or 2 & was super light.

I finished reading “The Best Little Girl in the World” the other day. It was a pretty good book, probably a book to recommend to a family member or someone like that who knows someone dealing with an ED instead of actually the person with the ED. It would help them to understand that it actually IS a disease and not just a “game” that many people think it is. It talks of the alternate personality that our ED has become and how it is a part of us just like anything else we do, except we hate it. It is the little devil that sits on your shoulder that you see in cartoons. It talks of the thousands of rituals we go through every hour of every day…it evem made me realize I have more than I already know about. Like when I am eating, if I have more than 1 type of food on my plate, they can’t touch ( I just thought that was me being picky), and when I am eating it I have to eat ALL the green beans first, then move on to the Turkey, eat ALL of it, then move onto the next food…so its not like a bite of mashed potatoes then a bite of turkey…strange, I know.Well I’ve gotta get ready for work. HAWAII IN 4 DAYS!! and only 2 lbs to go. I can do this!

Lost most of the weight I gained back from the binge..But starving right now! About to eat some break to fill meup quick even though it will take forever to burn those damn carbs off..Restricting heavily tomorrow just like today 135 before sunday. I got this!! Ugh I’m such a mess! Like usual..

Awl Man… This WHOLE weekend, since Thursday, has been BINGE CITY 2009!..I finally weighed myself today for the first time since then, thinking that I had probably put at least 5 pounds back on..thankfully I was wrong. I’ll say “oh well” as if its no big deal where really it is, but Oh Well, I have my body back to thinking that its going to get food on a regular basis and shhh..don’t tell..but ITS NOT! I leave for Hawaii on Sunday. I’m at 137 right now, but it shouldn’t be hard at all to drop those 7lbs especially since I guarentee that its at least 3 lbs water weight…1 problem.. I think I’m about to start my period this week..its totally going to suck cuz i’ll be on the rag and wearing a fucking bathing suit and completely bloated like no other, but hey..I can’t complain too much..I’ll be in HAWAII! I work tomorrow and tuesday and I have a TON of stuff to get done, so as long as I stay away from the kitchen and keep my mind busy I should be fine. No drinking this week. AT ALL. I’ll let ya know how its going. Wish me luck!

Still 135.8 this afterrnoon and when I weighed at 5:30. I haven’t eaten all day. I did have about 1/4 cup of black coffee, but i just couldnt’ really make myself drink it. I think I’m going to quit smoking. I liked it at first & especially when I would get a nicotene buzz, but now its just lame & I think its starting to make me sick. Oh well, it;ll be for the best when I start training with the Navy too. I’m going to applebees with my family and I’m absolutely STARVING Its been almost 3 days without eating..over 48 hours for sure. and now I’m really hungry. I really scared I’m going to binge though. I’m going to look up the menu online for something good to eat that will fill me up fast. I’m going to drink TONS of water while I eat & especially before the food comes. Salad fills me up and with fat free dressing its not bad for me, but I am craving something with some substance..ugh idk what to do!

Well I ended up deciding on the Garlic Herb chicken from the weight watcher’s menu and a side salad with light italian dressing. Not too bad I suppose. It came with a few sliced baked potatoes and some steamed broccoli which was amazing I LOVE steamed veggies. Hopefully the cals weren’t too high because I came home & chowwed down on 3 of the mini sized pull  & peel twizlers..ohh well. See? That’s what I hate about eating. If I just don’t eat, I’m fine, but as soon as I put that fork to my mouth it seems to never stop.

Intake : 3/4 grilled garlic herb chicken, 5 potato slices, about 1cup 1/2 steamed broccoli, side house salad 5 croutons 2 cucumber slices and light italian dressing, and 3 pull & peel twislers..

Damn I sure did some damage in 1 hour’s time.. Oh well, better tomorrow. MUST  CLEAN ROOM!

Sooo I’m an idiot. The only thing I ate today was one of those red & white striped mints and then I ended up throwing it all up because I was an idiot & took some kind of pill that I’ve never done before so because of that I’ve been puking for the past 2 hours! I hate when i do this stupid shit to myself. I’m going to stay away from all of that stuff for a long time. I need to do better for myself…But on another hand I am not at 135.8 🙂 5.8 more lbs before Hawaii 🙂 I can’t wait. I borrowed my old roommate’s (who used to be way skinnier than me) bathing suit to take with me and I don’t look too bad in it. I still need to drop those extra pounds, but I can tell that she’s jealous that I am almost skinnier than her. Her new roommate was cleaning out her closet tonight and gave me a dress. Brittney said “I’m sure it will fit you NOW.” …as in..yeah you used to be fat, but now you’ve got killer will- power and are getting skinnier by the minute. I don’t care what anyone thinks. I am finally becomming happier with myself.

5.8 to go!!

I don’t feel well, AT ALL! Still sick from that stupid pill. I slept for about 4 hours then woke up to a stupid phone call and no I can’t go back to sleep because my stomach is growling and I feel like I need to eat/drink something. I’m pretty sure if I do, that because of the stupid pill, I’ll throw it up, so I’m not too worried about it, but I still don’t want to gain any weight at all! Not even an ounce!

Lost it! I weighed myself like 8000987389275 times this afternoon and it kept saying 136.4. That means I lost 1.2 lbs since yesterday! Only 6.4 to go and I have 12 days to do it. I can totally do this! It feels so good to be back in the 130’s I can only imagine when i get to 129.0! I remember those days. I was happy 🙂  I bought the tanning package today, starting a list of stuff I need to get before my trip, headed to the funeral home in about an hour, and now I really need to get started cleaning my room. Its a disaster and theres no way I can pack and leave with it looking like this.

PS That yard work yesterday really kicked my ass! My back and neck are so sore, but it was totally worth the weight loss. I’ll write more later. I’ve got to go shower and get ready.

Grrr! still 137.6 ..I guess it serves me right though. I ate 2 pickles at work, plus 3 chicken wings that I messed up, then I drank 1/2 a corona with lime..Stupid stupid stupid. I mean I guess that calorie intake wasn’t THAT bad, but I even told myself that I needed to lose that .6!

I have this dress that I bought almost 2 years ago that I’ve never been able to wear except for the day I bought it. I tried it on again tonight and I could probably zip it the rest of the way up if I had someone helping me do it. I am determined to fit into it by Hawaii..which is now T-minus 12 days. I know if I lose that last 7.6 lbs I can do it. I mean it practically zips up now. I want to wear it and go to a very very nice expensive restaurant for my birthday..alllll by myself and I’m going to sit at the bar, order something delicious and order a very classy glass of wine. I think that sounds adorable. Who knows maybe I’ll meet a stranger that wants to pay for my meal? lol..or kidnap me..shittt that’d be my luck. Think someones buying me a drink then get thrown into a big white kidnapping van lol. Oh well, at least I’d be kidnapped in Hawaii haha. Actually thats not even funny to joke about. i better not jynx myself.  I have a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

Check list

[] clean room

[] get some stuff pre-packed

[started it] make a list of stuff I’ll need for my trip

[] clean the house a little for mom

[x] lose that damn .6 lbs!

[x] bank to deposit money from work tonight

[x] tanning bed for another package that I’m probably going to only use 1/2 of

[x] Adam’s viewing from 5-7

I think thats all for now. Wonder how much I’ll actually get done ?