Do you ever get sooo mad at yourself that you’re absolutely FUMING?! I do..sometimes I do the stupidest things..Things that endanger myself & my health & everthing. I don’t understand why I do the things I do. I do some pills tonight on a mostly empty stomach, KNOWING full well that it was a terrible Idea 😦 I ended up running out of the bar, driving 1/2 a block, pulling into an empty parking lot & puking my guts up..ugh! Why do I do such stupid things! I’m gonna post something that I wrote the other night when I did the SAME thing I did tonight. Its not like a poem or anything it was just what was on my mind. Its not even really good its just something I came across.

Their Daughter.

I am Their daughter.
The good one, the smart one,
the well behaved one, the one
they thought they’d never have
to worry about..
But these days its not the same.
I’ve gone from never seeing my father cry
to being the one making the rivers of warm, salty tears rush down his face.
I love Them.
With all my heart, I love Them.
I have nightmares of the days that I will dissappoint Them.
But the things in my head don’t care about Them.
Those things don’t have Them like I do.
Those things don’t have regret, remorse, or self-worth.
Those things are never there when I hear Her crying when she thinks no one else can hear.
Those things aren’t around when I see the embarassment I have caused Them.
Those things are only there when its morals versus the thrill.
That is the only time those things are around.
Those things are never there the next day when I want to die.
Those things are never there when I feel the pain of rejection no matter how hard I try. No, thats a lie, they’re there then. Those things are there laughing along with everyone else.
I am Their daughter.
I am the athlete.
I am the overachiever.
I am the hard worker.
I am Their daughter.
Those things are NOT Their daughter.
Those things are Hell.
Those things cause nothing but pain and agony.
Those things feed on power, hunger, deception, greed, lies, inner -pain, abuse, want.
Those things try as hard as they can to take over Their daughter, but they can’t.
I am Their daughter.

Didn’t weigh today because I binged horribly yesterday. I’ll weigh tomorrow morning. Buying another tanning package tomorrow also to get ready for Cali! in 2 weeks!! gotta lose about 5 more lbs before then too. I can do it.

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