Size small Abercrombie!!..t shirt at least. Its still pretty tight, but I don’t have a gut sticking out or anything. I’m losing weight and I didn’t even realize it, nor have I been doing anything AT ALL I’m working about 6 days a week now so I don’t really have time to do anything. I sleep all day & work all night & as long as I can manage to not think about food at work, then I just don’t eat at all. At work a couple of nights ago one of our regulars, who told me about 4 months ago that I “looked like I was gaining weight. Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”..said 2 nights ago that I was losing too much weight. Its definately not too much I just have about 7 lbs to go and then I’ll be half decent My ultimate goal is 12 lbs away 🙂 I’m positive I can do it 🙂

Lost..again

Oh so lost..In my thoughts, in my own body, in my mind, in my heart, and just in LIFE in general. I’m a Christian. I have been since I can remember. I don’t go to church. My family in general doesn’t. I wish they did. It would give me more incentive to go. I need to seek God more often. He has worked such miraculous ways in my life and especially recently. I cried out for him to soothe me, to calm me down when I felt like I couldn’t even breathe through the tears of anger, hurt, depression, and want. For some reason, I have been having these CRAZY feelings and thoughts of motherly instinct. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. FOREVER I have. But recently its getting rediculous. It could be because so many people I know are having kids and babyshowers & getting pregant it seems like every other day. I have my alarm set (4 hours from now) to get up at 8am & get ready for church. (God give me the strength and energy to either A. stay awake [I’d like to get some sleep] or B. be able to wake up when my alarm goes off) I need direction. I need to know what I really should do…I don’t want to be rash about anything, but Right now the plan that’s running through my head is to get engaged to Sean, join the Navy in Hawaii, collect a little bit of benefits from his Army contract, get married after boot camp & then have a baby. Thats crazy! and I can’t believe these thoughts are going through my head!! It’s insane!! But right now its all I want. I just want something steady in my life. I need a rock. Yes, I have God, but I feel like I need something material, something I can hold on to.

 

Yes…its official. I am absolutely, 100% insane..FML

The depression is back. I’m not sure what to do. There’s no one I can talk to, no one will ever understand. My court date got rescheduled. It seems like I’m never going to get to go to the navy. I had planned on going to Bootcamp, then finishing and talking so sean on whether or not he thought it would maybe work out for us to get back together if I tried to get based in Hawaii…well Now I’m never going to get to leave, he seems to hate me right now and I’m not even sure why, something about betrayall or something?..but I’ve only been back home for 3 days so I’m not sure what kind of damage I’ve already done and he won’t even talk to me about it. I’m sure its a rumor and its not like he’ll believe me if I tell him the truth anyway. I’m just so lost. I hate living at home, but I’m too broke to move out. It seems like I work everysingle day and still not making any money. I have no friends to talk to & even my dog is getting on my nerves. I just can’t seem to get anything right and right now I’m blaming it on the Fairpointe, AL court system! QUIT FUCKING MY LIFE UP!!!