Lost..again

Oh so lost..In my thoughts, in my own body, in my mind, in my heart, and just in LIFE in general. I’m a Christian. I have been since I can remember. I don’t go to church. My family in general doesn’t. I wish they did. It would give me more incentive to go. I need to seek God more often. He has worked such miraculous ways in my life and especially recently. I cried out for him to soothe me, to calm me down when I felt like I couldn’t even breathe through the tears of anger, hurt, depression, and want. For some reason, I have been having these CRAZY feelings and thoughts of motherly instinct. I’ve always wanted to be a mom. FOREVER I have. But recently its getting rediculous. It could be because so many people I know are having kids and babyshowers & getting pregant it seems like every other day. I have my alarm set (4 hours from now) to get up at 8am & get ready for church. (God give me the strength and energy to either A. stay awake [I’d like to get some sleep] or B. be able to wake up when my alarm goes off) I need direction. I need to know what I really should do…I don’t want to be rash about anything, but Right now the plan that’s running through my head is to get engaged to Sean, join the Navy in Hawaii, collect a little bit of benefits from his Army contract, get married after boot camp & then have a baby. Thats crazy! and I can’t believe these thoughts are going through my head!! It’s insane!! But right now its all I want. I just want something steady in my life. I need a rock. Yes, I have God, but I feel like I need something material, something I can hold on to.

 

Yes…its official. I am absolutely, 100% insane..FML

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