“She’s looking for a thrill, but she’s done it all” –So true. I feel like my life has become completely boring. I don’t do anything exciting anymore & sure I like to get drunk & party, but that’s just not fun anymore..woo I get to black out, bawl my eyes out over something dumb that I wont even remember in the morning, and fill my body full of useless poisonous calories, then to top it all off feel like shit in the morning…Soo where’s the fun in that? ha! I really want to go camping, or fishing, or hiking OR ALL 3. I really have a lot of fun when I’m out in nature & stuff. I feel like I don’t have to worry about anything. I wanna go scuba diving, or bunjee jumping or something ANYTHING…but its winter and its snowing AGAIN even though it was 60 degrees like 2 days ago. I’ve been slacking with my gym time. I didn’t go for the last 2 days. I’m going today..probably here in about an hour after I make a high protein breakfast. I’m thinking egg whites with some veggies and maybe a slice of cheese or something? I need to eat things that will help me build strong lean muscles..not like bulky though. And enough healthy carbs for energy, but I need to be sure to not eat too much so that I actually burn them all up and don’t have any left over.

I have to work tonight. I need to try to look nice. Probably not going to happen, but at least I can try :/ lame mood lately, sorry its kind of a depressing post.

yep.. still can’t sleep. Not sure what the deal is? I can sleep allll day, but when it comes to night time I can’t sleep a wink. I’m not even tired. I tried getting my sleep back on schedule and it worked for a while, but not now. This totally sucks because its almost 6am and I’m wide awake. I guess its a good thing my gym opens early. I think I’m going to go around 7 if I’m still up and then head back around 1 when my friend gets out of class. Tomorrow should be a pretty productive day. In between I’ll probably go shopping for a social that my sorority is having. The theme is Jersey Shore cuz a lot of the guys in the frat we’re having it with are from jersey, so its pretty much just us making fun of them lol. I’m thinking something along the lines of temp. dying my hair black, wearing WAY too much make-up and really REALLY high heals..not sure what kind of clothes though? ..Then I have to work at 5 tomorrow. We were super busy last wednesday and I made almost 200 dollars, so hopefully this week is the same. I love finally having money again. After I went to Hawaii I was completely broke for like 2 months! It sucked and the vacation really wasn’t even worth it..It was way too short and I only got like 2 days on the beach. If me & my ex weren’t completely at each other’s throats every second of the day I might plan a trip back there and just stay with him in his apt, but I know we would just argue 24/7 and I would end up spending the rest of my money on a hotel room for the rest of the stay. Plus I need to focus more on working out and preparing for bootcamp instead. I know this may sound bad, but I can’t wait to run against my friend at the gym tomorrow because I’m almost positive I’ll beat her. I did a lot better than I thought the other day after smoking so much and barely working out at all. I’m going to swim tomorrow also. I need to make sure that I still can haha! Imagine if I went to boot thinking that I could still swim and then sinking like a rock lol. That would be horrifying! I’m still maintaing around 135-138..not my goal, but for not doing much its not too bad. I don’t really eat that much though as long as I keep myself busy. Still working on cutting back smoking and eventually quitting….the worst part is when I’m at work though. I barely smoke at home.

Insomnia is taking over my life!! Haven’t been to sleep yet and its already time to start my day. I’m sure its the insomnia, but i’ve been holding back tears all morning. All I can think about is no matter where I end up (even if its a billion miles from this hell hole town), no matter who I end up with (even if he’s the so called “guy of my dreams”), no matter what job I have, or how much money I’m making , or how much I weigh, or how I look..I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. …I should be happy right now. My life is slowly getting pieced back together, but I’m not. I’m completely depressed and miserable and its not even for any real reason!! that’s the hard part. I mean, I could understand if there was an actual problem right now, but there’s not..which leads me to believe that I have depression…fabulous, but obviously I can’t go see a doctor becasue who in their right mind would let a depressed girl into the navy and give her a gun, right?? haha

Today= Quit smoking. I smoked my last pack. I smoked my last cigarette. I’ve been doing situps, push ups, and using my ab wheel to prepare for boot camp. Haven’t yet started the running portion yet, but I can definately tell that smoking is putting a hurtin’ on my breathing. I haven’t been a “smoker” for very long..since about august, so it shouldn’t be hard for me to quit. I don’t get headaches because I need nicotene or anything like that, its just to “boredom” perspective and the point that I work in a bar that will be the hardest to get over. I don’t really smoke at home, only when I’m driving or at work so that I can get that extra break every once in a while. But today, I’ve bought my last pack. Eli is going to owe me $100!! haha that’ll sure help out lol.

Tomorrow’s to-do list:

Wake up around 1 (I know that sounds late, but I didn’t get off work til 3am and now its almost 5)

Shower

Go to the bank to deposit money & cash check

Go to the HealthPlex and sign up for a month/3 months

Workout ( I need to get a good one in to kick it off)

Clean room

…That’s about it.

I’m going to make the list of things I need to do to pass boot camp and take it to the gym with me. I know for a fact that I’m not going to be able to do them all right off the bat, but I will run the full 1.5 miles and see how long it takes me, plus the sit-ups, and push ups then I will record my times and do that each week until I finally start gradually working my way up with times until I finally reach the goals. I can do this and I’m finally ready! I can’t wait for my life to finally begin!!

I am finally able to close one chapter of my life and continue on with another. (Hopefully a better one) I had court today. It has been going on for almost a year and I thought it would never end. So, I walked into court today with my recruiter and my lawyer came out of the court room into the lobby with this wicked smile on his face. Usually when he looks like that it is continued again..so my heart just dropped! He then said that the court would be willing to drop the aiding & transfering charges if I would plead “no contest” to disorderly conduct..which made absolutely NO SENSE at all because the charge wasn’t even relevent. I denied the plea bargain and ended up getting 40 hours of community service and if I complete it by March 1st then they will drop all charges completely!! This honestly could have not worked out any better!! I feel the weight of 360 days lifted off my shoulders. The weight of my family’s pain and embarassment is gone. I’m not as depressed and I don’t have all of this BS in the back of my mind at all times. I can finally go on with my life and just LIVE!. I can’t wait to live..I know that probably sounds funny, but I’ve been dead for more than a year now and I feel like my life is starting over and I can’t wait to start off with a clean slate. As of march 1st the aiding & transferring and the DUI will be off my record. Therefore, I will be able to enlist right after that and then my recruiter said it would be about 2 months after that that I would be able to leave for boot camp.

I have kept up my drug free promise and I am really proud of myself for that. Now, I just need to get my workout schedule back on track that way I will be ready for boot. I know I won’t be the most fit person there, but as long as I’m not the worst that’s okay with me. I have over 3 months to get ready and as long as I can pass the fitness test at the end of boot before I go, I will be content. I’ve got to build stamina and work on some serious upper body strength, plus my swimming test. I need to find a workout partner, so I can still go to the rec center at the school since I’m not a student anymore.

Wow.. I can finally breathe! This is great.

My ex bf is a succubus!..or maybe its an incubus..whatever one is the dude haha. He really is. I went months without even thinking of him, then he comes into town and we hook up, now he’s back in Hawaii and I can’t get him out of my head even though I know it’s NEVER going to work out between us. He just gets under my skin and I can’t stand him..but at the same time, I’m comfortable with him and I think about when we were together and talked about getting married and all of our dreams for the future. It would be so much easier if things would just work out perfectly..I know I do things to piss him off too, but he’s so much more in love with me than I am with him. Don’t get me wrong, I love him..but I’m not IN love with him. Does that make any sense?..of course it doesn’t. I’m completely out of my mind.

I got my room cleaned up..and slightly rearranged..It didn’t work this time. It usually does. I’m doing fairly well with my resolutions-ish. I’ve only smoked 3 cigarettes today..and I have a killer headache..probably from the lack of nicotene, but it doesn’t seem to get any better when I smoke, so maybe its not? I’m going to try and curl or straighten my hair tomorrow for work (my hair is naturally somewhat scrunchy & nappy..especially if i don’t put gel in it) and I’m going to maybe go to the mall to pick out a nice outfit to wear..even though I’m almost completely BROKE..But I need to make tips and I’m going to be working with one of the really pretty bartenders, so I’ve got to look at least half decent. I think if I get myself ready & put on makeup & all that good stuff maybe I’ll feel a little happier. Maybe I’ll get up REALLY early and even get my hair trimmed..that sounds like a good idea. I know I need it.

Tomorrow, my old roommate and I are going to a state park nearby to take some pictures of each other..we do it every season-ish…its just something fun for us to do to get all dressed up and stuff. Plus I LOVE taking pictures. I used to want to be a photographer. Actually, I still do, but Its not going to happen. Why do I always give up on my dreams? I gave up my dreams of photography, graduating college, becomming a doctor.. Wow, I REALLY do suck! Hopefully the navy helps me. I’ve got to do something better with my life. I’ve got to get out of here!!

Ohh..I am sooo OVER this self loathing BULLSHIT! I mean..In the back of my mind, no-matter-what, I feel a slight depression, a miniscule feeling of being down on myself, but not usually THIS bad. It’s just been too long to be feeling this way. I’m working on some things around the house to (hopefully) make my life a little less stressful. Maybe its just me, but when your room & the places around you are clean and organized do you feel a little bit better? Its probably just my insane need to have everything outside of  me in its place because Heaven only knows that everything inside is just fucked all to hell.

I decided that for the new year I’m going to cut back on smoking also. In the Navy, you’re not allowed to smoke during boot camp (just like every other armed forces) and also, while enlisted you’re not permitted any tobacco during work, on your ship, or on base. ….So I might as well start cutting back now instead of just having to quit all of a sudden. Unless I go out drinking, I usually smoke a pack every 2-3 days..somedays more, but not usually less. I don’t like smoking, but it helps me to not eat. The only cigarette I actually like it the first one of the day. After not having one for 12 or so hours and then catching that little bit of a buzz..yeahhh thats what I like. The rest are just to pass time. I don’t like smoking in front of people. Unless I’m sneaking around my parents and leaning out my window to smoke, I like to smoke outside..even in bars and restaurants where you can smoke inside. I’m not sure why. Its sort of just an Alone-Time kind of thing for me. I haven’t been keeping much of a diet, but I still linger from 135-138..Thats pretty good for all the bullshit I eat.

I took my hip piercings out yesterday. I suppose those are just 2 more scars to add to the previous self mutilations. Has anyone tried that Mederma scar removal stuff? If so, how well does it work?

UGH! On another note. I have a UTI..What a miserable infection! I have no insurance, so I’m trying to avoid going to the doctor and paying for a perscription at all costs. I’ve been looking up home remedies, so hopefully after a few of those it’ll be gone.

new years resolution: no more drugs..it should be easy. Plus with the Air Force breathing down my back I don’t have much of a choice.

I’m done with everything.. At this point I just don’t care anymore. I know its not good to just “not give a shit” , but now I just can’t help it anymore. I’m losing control of myself. I’m never happy anymore. I STILL don’t ever even want to get out of bed. I just want to lay here all day and not do anything at all. Now even people at work, a place I used to enjoy, are asking me why I never smile. My tips are suffering and everything. I don’t even want to work anymore…I used to LOVE working, now I hate it. I don’t have to be at work until 5 and I don’t even get out of bed until then. I used to like getting ready and doing my hair and make up and picking out a cute outfit to wear…now I just grab whatever doesn’t smell..I’m suffering in my own head. I wanna be anyone but me. This is serious depression. I’ve got to get out of here. I want to get married and start my life. I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!