Ohh..I am sooo OVER this self loathing BULLSHIT! I mean..In the back of my mind, no-matter-what, I feel a slight depression, a miniscule feeling of being down on myself, but not usually THIS bad. It’s just been too long to be feeling this way. I’m working on some things around the house to (hopefully) make my life a little less stressful. Maybe its just me, but when your room & the places around you are clean and organized do you feel a little bit better? Its probably just my insane need to have everything outside of  me in its place because Heaven only knows that everything inside is just fucked all to hell.

I decided that for the new year I’m going to cut back on smoking also. In the Navy, you’re not allowed to smoke during boot camp (just like every other armed forces) and also, while enlisted you’re not permitted any tobacco during work, on your ship, or on base. ….So I might as well start cutting back now instead of just having to quit all of a sudden. Unless I go out drinking, I usually smoke a pack every 2-3 days..somedays more, but not usually less. I don’t like smoking, but it helps me to not eat. The only cigarette I actually like it the first one of the day. After not having one for 12 or so hours and then catching that little bit of a buzz..yeahhh thats what I like. The rest are just to pass time. I don’t like smoking in front of people. Unless I’m sneaking around my parents and leaning out my window to smoke, I like to smoke outside..even in bars and restaurants where you can smoke inside. I’m not sure why. Its sort of just an Alone-Time kind of thing for me. I haven’t been keeping much of a diet, but I still linger from 135-138..Thats pretty good for all the bullshit I eat.

I took my hip piercings out yesterday. I suppose those are just 2 more scars to add to the previous self mutilations. Has anyone tried that Mederma scar removal stuff? If so, how well does it work?

UGH! On another note. I have a UTI..What a miserable infection! I have no insurance, so I’m trying to avoid going to the doctor and paying for a perscription at all costs. I’ve been looking up home remedies, so hopefully after a few of those it’ll be gone.


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