Ugh!..HUNG OVERRR. I’ve fucked up lately. I think I’m a binge drinker. I need to quit. I dont ever just go out for A drink. I drink all night until I either fall over or the bar closes. i just need to fucking stop! When I drink, I make a fool out of myself ALWAYS and its killing my body I can’t take the fucking hang overs! ugh like right now I feel like absolute SHIT. I can wait for monday!! 1 dayyy! then all I have to do is wait for my dmv shit to get processed and I can get outta here. I’m nervous as hell and I’ve been talking to this boy, Ricky, and I really like him even though we shouldn’t have we hooked up. Now my emotions are haywire and I’m leaving in less than 3 months..fuuucckck

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I just wanna be okay, be okay, be okay. I just want to be okay today.

Today, I felt like my eyes were finally open. Not covered in fog like they have been for the past 3 weeks. I mean, I always feel like I’m walking through some hazy fog and not really existing at all, but I could actually see it today. Today I felt like I was just a little bit alive. It’s a nice change. I went to the bank, then the gym (not for as long as I’d planned, but better than nothing for a start) I didn’t go early enough and by the time I got there and got ready people were coming in from work and I always feel like people are watching me. Now its time to clean, organize, and put clothes away in my room. I need more SPACE.

Last night one of my friends (acquiaintences) & I were talking about shitty stuff (her bf and her are fighting, how tragic GAG!) and my entire life is falling apart ha!, but like a good friend I sat and listened while she told me how terrible everything was and then after that 20 hours of blabbering we finally got to my 5 minutes and during that time of discussing the navy, maybe going back to school, family, and relationships she called me a ‘loner’. I mean, I’ve always considered myself to be as such, but I’ve never had anyone else tell me that and for a breif moment I wasn’t sure whether to congratulate her for being the closest to ever understanding me or to be offended. I was almost in shock. Sarah the Loner…hmm oh well.

Speaking of relationships, a couple of guys have recently started texting me and I’m not sure what to do about it. I wouldn’t say that I am hung up on Shawn, but its more that I was comfortable with him. The whole “dating” scene just gets on my nerves. I don’t want to go out and ‘test the waters’ I just want to meet someone I know it right. Ha! Don’t we all wish it was that easy. So what do I have to do? Sit through a few terrible movies with my feet stuck in carmelized soda and gum on the floor while my ass goes numb in the uncomfortable seats as he coyly tries to put his arm around me and not look like a fool..Yeah…that sounds fun. SIKE. Anyway, I’m leaving in like 3 months. Why would I want to get attached to someone during that time and then have to leave them, making bootcamp 6 billion times harder?..But on the other-hand, as selfish as this sounds I’d love to hook up with someone to feel like I was wanted..Not to mention have my newly married ex bf find out. I know he’d flip out. He still calls/texts me nearly every day.

The days are getting better, but I’m still a wreck. I need to keep my mind away from the mistakes that I’ve made in the past and keep it focused on a brighter more successful future. I need to worry about myself before I worry about myself with someone else. I’ll get it all together one of these days

I was born a fighter and I’m ready to take anything this fucking world is gonna throw at me. Its back to the grind tomorrow. Headed back to the gym for the first time in almost a month. This pack of cigarettes will be my last. My blow n go comes out monday and I’m done going out on fucking drinking binges. smoking and drinking get me absolutely no where except broke and hungover. I can do this. Tomorrow I’m going to get back into the pool too. I got a new swim suit to work out in, so now I just need to find my goggles…I need to find a smile also. I’m so fucking over this depression bull shit. I am finally able to move on with my life and good things come to those who wait and I’ll tell ya what I’ve been waiting an awful long gosh damn time so whatever this “good thing” is it better be fucking mind blowing. My life’s been on hold for over a year now and my love life’s been on hold for almost 3, so I’m ready. I’m ready for whatever comes my way. If this shit’s the worst thing that ever happened to me then I’m lucky. Everyone always says “it could be worse” HA! I’m not sure how much worse it could get, but I’m gonna keep it in my head that its only going to get better. I still have a little bit of a cold, but I need to get outta bed and back out into the world because laying around all day sulking is not helping it. Tomorrow’s details include: bank (so I can actually PAY for my gym membership that I haven’t been using), GYM (so I can use what I’m paying for and get as ready for the Navy as possible), TANNING package (since I have a little extra cash and when I’m tan I feel better about the way I look) Also, I think tanning helps with seasonal depression and since spring doesn’t look like its coming anytime soon I figure 30 days in artificial sunlight that causes cancer might help hahah! when I finish all that I need to clean out my car and get all my clothes out of it to do laundry and get it ready for monday. Not sure of the plans after that. I need to spend some time with my family, I just hate sitting at home all day every day. lol I complain about working so much and then when I only have 3 days on the schedule I get bored. Maybe I’ll clean up my room a little too and get some laundry put away. I always feel more comfortable in a clean organized room.

Its time to wake up and dig the long-lost, smiling, determined girl out of the closet and get back to life as we know it.

I am an absolute disaster. I spent the last 2 nights in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and a mild concussion. Fucking fabulous! Why do I have to keep screwing up? What the fuck is wrong with me!!?? I know things I do are wrong, but yet I still do them??! Like the pill I did tonight wtf! The navy might not take me now that the AP is on my med records. They don’t tend to like alcoholics I suppose.. I’m falling apart. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks, I’m huge, but yet I’ve barely eaten. I’m at 135 still. I can’t stop smoking, I can’t shake this damn flu, and to boost is all up now my parents KNOW I’m a huge fuck up. All I want to do is be a good person. I can’t starve myself half to death, but I can’t NOT drink or NOT do drugs?! How the fuck does that work? My friend Ricky, who we’ve kind of had an on & off fling going on since the summer, nothing serious at all, not even sex believe it or not, but well…He’s found a girl and he’s happy with her. I should be happy for him, but now that means I’m out of the picture. ..Just like every other guy. I’m “just one of the guys” and then when one of the guys acts interrested I flip things all up inside my head and then get dropped when they meet a girl. I just want to be happy. I used to be the queen of fake smiles. I could even make other people smile and laugh and now I can’t even fake it. All people have been asking is “what’s wrong with Sara?” I can’t even make myself smile without tears rushing to my eyes. I can’t even cry. I’ve tried. I’m one of those girls that just sometimes I need a good cry and I’ll be okay. I am uncapable of any emotion right now besides pity and disgust for myself.

 

Yep that’s right. I’m a disaster and there sure as hell ain’t nothin’ beautiful about this one ladies and gentlemen

Still in pretty deep depression mode. Still not really sure why. I don’t like to think about it because then I sink even lower. I’m trying to just SURVIVE until April..That’ll be about when I leave for boot camp.

I’ve been working like a dog. It’s pretty rediculous. Today will be my 6th day in a row, plus a few of those days were doubles. I don’t want to ask for a day off though, because I’m making anywhere from 150-$200 a night. That’s what I need if I’m planning on taking a vacation before I leave for boot…and honestly its not like I have anything else to do either. I don’t really have friends and the ones I do have just want to drink every night or get fucked up on beans, and I’m limiting my drinking and cutting off on drugs, so they’re the last people I need to hang out with.

I need to get back in the gym. I’m just getting over that cold and I just have no fuckin time since i work all the time. Tomorrow will probably be my first day back. I need to get back in that routine before I lose all of my progress. Well I have to get ready for work and try to cover up the massive zits on my face..fml

I haven’t been this depressed in a very long time. && its wierd. I should be pretty happy. I’m leaving for the navy soon (but not soon enough). My ex-the crazy one that would never leave me alone- is getting married..to a girl he just freaking met! and told me that we could no longer talk anymore, but that he’d always be there for me? wtf?! That makes no sence at all! I haven’t been eating much AT ALL..but its because I’m so freaking sick I can barely breathe..so, in turn, I can’t workout. I haven’t been to the gym in almost a week. I work 6 days this week and I can’t call off because I need the money if I’m planning on doing ANYTHING for spring break…and I can’t stop thinking about Shawn. I know its complete double standards and its rediculous, but its the whole “If I can’t be with you then I don’t want anyone else to be with you either” I can’t help it. I’m slowly getting over it, but no one wants to date me, let alone marry me! Its like I’m untouchable. I’m not sure why. I’m not the crazy party girl anymore, that used to be the reason. I’m down to 132, so I know I’m not disgustingly fat. I’m not drop dead gorgeous,of course, but I’m not terribly ugly either… I keep telling myself one of these days you’ll meet someone great, just be yourself…But how fucking long is “one of these days?” I just want to get out of Fairpointe! I know every single person here and nothing ever changes. The stoplights stay and their redundant pace, the passerbys smile and wave then proceed to talk about you being your back as soon as you’re out of earshot, the old high school friends pretend you don’t exist because they have moved on SOO successfully (gag!), and when you walk gracefully into the bar in high heals that make your legs look thin and as high as the ceiling, a gorgeous black lace top that fits juuust right in all the right places, everyone turns and looks then says..”Oh its JUST Sara” <–you have no idea how many times that has happened to me! Why can’t someone just say wow Sarah, You look really nice, or maybe someone ask if I’d like to share a drink..I do have feelings people! I really do! More feelings than you could EVER begin to imagine. I know they don’t realize that it hurts, but it does. It really digs down deep and tears what’s left of my heart and soul just a little bit more. One of these days there will be nothing left.