I am an absolute disaster. I spent the last 2 nights in the hospital with alcohol poisoning and a mild concussion. Fucking fabulous! Why do I have to keep screwing up? What the fuck is wrong with me!!?? I know things I do are wrong, but yet I still do them??! Like the pill I did tonight wtf! The navy might not take me now that the AP is on my med records. They don’t tend to like alcoholics I suppose.. I’m falling apart. I haven’t been to the gym in weeks, I’m huge, but yet I’ve barely eaten. I’m at 135 still. I can’t stop smoking, I can’t shake this damn flu, and to boost is all up now my parents KNOW I’m a huge fuck up. All I want to do is be a good person. I can’t starve myself half to death, but I can’t NOT drink or NOT do drugs?! How the fuck does that work? My friend Ricky, who we’ve kind of had an on & off fling going on since the summer, nothing serious at all, not even sex believe it or not, but well…He’s found a girl and he’s happy with her. I should be happy for him, but now that means I’m out of the picture. ..Just like every other guy. I’m “just one of the guys” and then when one of the guys acts interrested I flip things all up inside my head and then get dropped when they meet a girl. I just want to be happy. I used to be the queen of fake smiles. I could even make other people smile and laugh and now I can’t even fake it. All people have been asking is “what’s wrong with Sara?” I can’t even make myself smile without tears rushing to my eyes. I can’t even cry. I’ve tried. I’m one of those girls that just sometimes I need a good cry and I’ll be okay. I am uncapable of any emotion right now besides pity and disgust for myself.
Yep that’s right. I’m a disaster and there sure as hell ain’t nothin’ beautiful about this one ladies and gentlemen