I just wanna be okay, be okay, be okay. I just want to be okay today.
Today, I felt like my eyes were finally open. Not covered in fog like they have been for the past 3 weeks. I mean, I always feel like I’m walking through some hazy fog and not really existing at all, but I could actually see it today. Today I felt like I was just a little bit alive. It’s a nice change. I went to the bank, then the gym (not for as long as I’d planned, but better than nothing for a start) I didn’t go early enough and by the time I got there and got ready people were coming in from work and I always feel like people are watching me. Now its time to clean, organize, and put clothes away in my room. I need more SPACE.
Last night one of my friends (acquiaintences) & I were talking about shitty stuff (her bf and her are fighting, how tragic GAG!) and my entire life is falling apart ha!, but like a good friend I sat and listened while she told me how terrible everything was and then after that 20 hours of blabbering we finally got to my 5 minutes and during that time of discussing the navy, maybe going back to school, family, and relationships she called me a ‘loner’. I mean, I’ve always considered myself to be as such, but I’ve never had anyone else tell me that and for a breif moment I wasn’t sure whether to congratulate her for being the closest to ever understanding me or to be offended. I was almost in shock. Sarah the Loner…hmm oh well.
Speaking of relationships, a couple of guys have recently started texting me and I’m not sure what to do about it. I wouldn’t say that I am hung up on Shawn, but its more that I was comfortable with him. The whole “dating” scene just gets on my nerves. I don’t want to go out and ‘test the waters’ I just want to meet someone I know it right. Ha! Don’t we all wish it was that easy. So what do I have to do? Sit through a few terrible movies with my feet stuck in carmelized soda and gum on the floor while my ass goes numb in the uncomfortable seats as he coyly tries to put his arm around me and not look like a fool..Yeah…that sounds fun. SIKE. Anyway, I’m leaving in like 3 months. Why would I want to get attached to someone during that time and then have to leave them, making bootcamp 6 billion times harder?..But on the other-hand, as selfish as this sounds I’d love to hook up with someone to feel like I was wanted..Not to mention have my newly married ex bf find out. I know he’d flip out. He still calls/texts me nearly every day.
The days are getting better, but I’m still a wreck. I need to keep my mind away from the mistakes that I’ve made in the past and keep it focused on a brighter more successful future. I need to worry about myself before I worry about myself with someone else. I’ll get it all together one of these days