well ladies & gents..I made it in. I’m signed and sworn in with the us Navy.What on earth have I gotten myself into?! haha. Maybe one of these days I will make an informed, good decision and stop thinking so irrationally. Ricky & I are still on the rocks and Shawn has had the balls to actually appologize and continue talking about seeing me before I leave..slim chance. I’m at 138 and I haven’t been doing a damn thing besides binge drinking and being too hungover to eat. So, maybe my fucked up life is working for me…sike. No getting drunk this week. Sister and dad will be in Europe and I can’t freak my mom out by staying out all night without calling her. Be responsible… hmm we’ll see how long that lasts.

Signed for the Navy on thursday..Goodbye [nonexistent] life, Hello Hell…I guess I should’ve thought this out…but I really don’t have many more options

I am addicted to all of the things in life that I said I’d NEVER do. Smoking, drinking, drugs, partying all night, lying..etc.

I used to be completely opposite, even when my ED was at its worst.

I used to be addicted to the sunshine, long walks with my dogs, my family and now I avoid all of that. I need to change my life, but honestly I have nothing to live for! I have no goals, no love, and no home now that I’ve torn it and my entire family to shreds. My house no longer feels like a home, my heart no longer feels warm, and my mind no longer feels like its mine, at all. All I think about is how I fuck up. It really is. Some people say that you can’t dwell on the bad things, and to a certain extent thats the truth, but what if there isn’t anything good?

Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym before 2, then I’m gonna go buy a tanning package and when I get home after my shower I’m going to clean and organize my room. I have to make these detailed lists or else I won’t do it. I feel better about myself when i’m productive and see that I have made something of the day. I’ve got to get back in the fucking gym. I’m paying almost $100 a month to sit on my ass and let that shit go to waste.

I need to stop making excuses for myself. I spend too much time alone, and not enough just the same. When I’m alone all I do is think. I’m always tired, but I can never sleep. I was thinking about how miserable I am this morning and I had excuses running through my head like- I’m sad cuz I cut my hair, I’m even more insecure with myself now. I don’t have a life, so that’s why I go out and drink all the time. I really don’t have a life though… I don’t hang out with people unless I’m at the bar. I just sit at home all day until I go to work or go to the bar and drink. Then I come home -if I come home at all- and go back to sleep and start it all over again. I need to calm down, not drink so much, and be a person I’d want to date. Not the crazy party girl that’s just shitfaced all the time. I’m not going to drink at all this week and I’m going to go to the gym at least 3 times this week and I’m not going to go to the bar unless I’m working….I’m just too sad. I’m just going to mind my own busines and just make my way through this blinding fog until I find some light.

listen to Crash by Cavo. Its a great song. Kinda explains my life right now…only I have no one to pick me up after I’m shattered and covered in broken glass.

In other words, I guess I spoke too soon. I’m not going to let the whole Ricky thing get to me, just because I should’ve expected it. I’m the party girl, the fun fling, that everyone wants to have…but only once and then it goes no further. That’s all I’ll ever be until I change my ways. I was such a tease to him for soooo long and now that he’s got it there’s no more chase. I’m not going to text him tomorrow. If he wants it he can come crawling back, and even then, he might not get it. He called me earlier today and asked me to stop over, I said no because I was already at work, then when I was getting ready to head to the bar earlier I texted him and asked if he needed a ride to let me know, He said okay. Then I texted probably 2 hours later and asked if he would be coming soon or if I should start drinking. He never texted back until almost 2 hours after that to say that he wouldn’t be coming down (which he’s at the bar EVERY night) saying that he’d just went to see a movie and was exhausted. Bull shit! The stupid punk didn’t wake up til almost 3pm and he doesn’t have a license, so guarentee him and Kara went together and “made up”. I don’t care if they are together, but don’t fucking use me. AND DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME!. Lying only shows that you’re not worth the truth. As if I’m not down on myself enough as it is, the one person in my life that actually has ANY clue as to what I go/went through was HIM. And now he treats me like this. People say “You can do better.” Well of course I can do better. IF I clean up my act. and ya know fuckin’ what? I dont’ know if I really want to. I think I’m going to continue to be the crazy, wild, fun, care-free (on the outside) little party girl that I always have been. And I’m going to start respecting myself like I did for the past year and a 1/2 as far as hooking up with guys…even if I’ve known them forever like Ricky. All I keep telling myself in my head is “don’t let it get to you, don’t let it get to you, don’t FUCKING let it get to you”..but it is.

Tomorrow, I’m going to start new. I’m going to hit the gym HARD and get out a lot of this frustration that I have built up inside. That should make for a good calorie burn. Then I’m going to get all dolled up and I know if he missed the bar tonight, then he’ll be there for sure tomorrow and I’m going to show the little fucker how damn hot I can be and make him want me like no other. He’ll come back, then I’ll shove it in his face just like he did to me. One of the ways I’m thinking right now is just to fuck him, get up and leave and go back to the bar..haha If a dude did that to me I’d be fucking CRUSHED. I don’t want to hurt him, but like I said don’t.fucking.lie.to.me!

Beware innocent bystanders: Tomorrow I am waking up with my middle finger in.the.airrrr

Well, I guess I got what I wanted. Ricky and Kara aren’t talking anymore. I guess they got in a fight at work tonight and she told him that she didn’t want to hear all of his problems, that she had enough of her own..I mean..Side note: Isn’t that what relationships are all about??! Being there for your boyfriend/girlfriend through thick and thin? I can’t believe I heard her say that tonight. So I guess he told her that if she didn’t want it anymore to just walk away, so she got up out of her chair and left. Then again, that’s just what he’s telling me, so who knows how much of its true or not. He honestly does have a lot of problems, as far as family, previous drug use, crime, money, and junk like that, but how are you supposed to be in a relationship with someone and not care. She knew what she was walking into when they first started..Which brings me to my current problem: Got what I wanted didn’t I? I got him away from her. I stole the show. Now what? HA! I can’t be in a fucking relationship! Are you kidding me? I’m fucked up enough now as it is let alone dating an ex drug dealer/ quite possibly an alcoholic. Sounding like Kara: i don’t need his problems, I have 999,000 as it is by myself. Maybe I’ll just make it known that its going to be casual and nothing else. I’ll get attached. I know I will, but for now, its casual. We jumped into things too fast to make it anything more. A relationship shouldn’t start off with a drunken fuck, that BOTH of you knew was wrong. I’m not going to let it get the best of me.

On a better note: I got a promotion at work!!! Which in turn means more work, but its not that bad, its just paper work. So now I make $4more an hour..which is even MORE amazing 🙂 and it means my boss trusts me because I now have a key to the fucking office 🙂 yay!

 

This week’s goal (s): Don’t get drunk (harder than it sounds with me lately)

2. Stay positive

3. Make it to the gym at least 4 days

Ok. Now those aren’t too hard. so we’ll see how it works out.

I’vgot to stop letting myself get so caught up in my own childish drama. Some things I should just stop caring about. I’m outta here soon anyway and I can start a new (better) life somewhere else. …Somewhere else where I’m not living all the lies, somewhere where I can just be myself. I need to start new. I can’t wait to start with a blank slate. And only give people what they need to know. My past will stay my past and my future will begin brighter than ever.

As far as Ricky…He hasn’t talked to me at all today, and only said like 5 words to me yesterday. I know this sounds kinda trashy/really low, but I’m gonna do something that’s going to make HIM think about ME for days afterwards without a single text. Maybe he’ll see how it feels then.

I think I’m terrified of intimacy. I’ll talk and flirt with a guy, but then when it comes down to him acually asking me out on a 1 on1 date I freak and make up some kind of excuse for why I can’t. Then I slowly ignore them until they finally give up, then later I get jealous in my head when i see them with someone else having that “perfect relationship” and I missed out & wonder why? If I can just hold off for a few more months everything will be just fine & I’ll be outta here and on with my new life…These months need to hurry the fuck up!