listen to Crash by Cavo. Its a great song. Kinda explains my life right now…only I have no one to pick me up after I’m shattered and covered in broken glass.

In other words, I guess I spoke too soon. I’m not going to let the whole Ricky thing get to me, just because I should’ve expected it. I’m the party girl, the fun fling, that everyone wants to have…but only once and then it goes no further. That’s all I’ll ever be until I change my ways. I was such a tease to him for soooo long and now that he’s got it there’s no more chase. I’m not going to text him tomorrow. If he wants it he can come crawling back, and even then, he might not get it. He called me earlier today and asked me to stop over, I said no because I was already at work, then when I was getting ready to head to the bar earlier I texted him and asked if he needed a ride to let me know, He said okay. Then I texted probably 2 hours later and asked if he would be coming soon or if I should start drinking. He never texted back until almost 2 hours after that to say that he wouldn’t be coming down (which he’s at the bar EVERY night) saying that he’d just went to see a movie and was exhausted. Bull shit! The stupid punk didn’t wake up til almost 3pm and he doesn’t have a license, so guarentee him and Kara went together and “made up”. I don’t care if they are together, but don’t fucking use me. AND DON’T FUCKING LIE TO ME!. Lying only shows that you’re not worth the truth. As if I’m not down on myself enough as it is, the one person in my life that actually has ANY clue as to what I go/went through was HIM. And now he treats me like this. People say “You can do better.” Well of course I can do better. IF I clean up my act. and ya know fuckin’ what? I dont’ know if I really want to. I think I’m going to continue to be the crazy, wild, fun, care-free (on the outside) little party girl that I always have been. And I’m going to start respecting myself like I did for the past year and a 1/2 as far as hooking up with guys…even if I’ve known them forever like Ricky. All I keep telling myself in my head is “don’t let it get to you, don’t let it get to you, don’t FUCKING let it get to you”..but it is.

Tomorrow, I’m going to start new. I’m going to hit the gym HARD and get out a lot of this frustration that I have built up inside. That should make for a good calorie burn. Then I’m going to get all dolled up and I know if he missed the bar tonight, then he’ll be there for sure tomorrow and I’m going to show the little fucker how damn hot I can be and make him want me like no other. He’ll come back, then I’ll shove it in his face just like he did to me. One of the ways I’m thinking right now is just to fuck him, get up and leave and go back to the bar..haha If a dude did that to me I’d be fucking CRUSHED. I don’t want to hurt him, but like I said don’t.fucking.lie.to.me!

Beware innocent bystanders: Tomorrow I am waking up with my middle finger in.the.airrrr

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