I am addicted to all of the things in life that I said I’d NEVER do. Smoking, drinking, drugs, partying all night, lying..etc.

I used to be completely opposite, even when my ED was at its worst.

I used to be addicted to the sunshine, long walks with my dogs, my family and now I avoid all of that. I need to change my life, but honestly I have nothing to live for! I have no goals, no love, and no home now that I’ve torn it and my entire family to shreds. My house no longer feels like a home, my heart no longer feels warm, and my mind no longer feels like its mine, at all. All I think about is how I fuck up. It really is. Some people say that you can’t dwell on the bad things, and to a certain extent thats the truth, but what if there isn’t anything good?

Tomorrow I am going to go to the gym before 2, then I’m gonna go buy a tanning package and when I get home after my shower I’m going to clean and organize my room. I have to make these detailed lists or else I won’t do it. I feel better about myself when i’m productive and see that I have made something of the day. I’ve got to get back in the fucking gym. I’m paying almost $100 a month to sit on my ass and let that shit go to waste.

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