Well… Ricky & I got together..I fucked it up. He decided to try to get back to me..blah blah blah. Same old sob story. Everyone that knows we’re kinda together is asking me why because they all know, as well as I do, that he is not my type and I can do soooo much better. I think I’ve just come to that point where I want someone there..I’m finally tired of being alone. I’ve been making myself dress up for work and such lately. It makes me feel a little better about myself. My room is finally clean again and just needs to be organized. That shouldn’t take too long. I just need a day off or 2 to get started and actually finish the job. I haven’t gotten drunk or went on a pointless shopping spree to blow all my money, so I’ve been able to actually save up a little there. For a while there I was paying for cigarettes in change and at times didn’t even have enough then. There’s nothing that I really need to get now either, so I should be able to start putting some of it away again. ..On the downside my car is fucked and in the shop for a few days, but since it was my DADS fault I think he’s going to pay for it.

So about the Ricky thing..I guess I’m just going to let it fly and whatever direction the wind takes me will be where I end up. Whatever’s meant to be, will be.


I’m to the point now where I don’t even know what I want. Ricky & Kara broke up, now he wants to be with me. Hmm there goes the thrill of the chase. I like him, but there he’s just around too many drugs and stuff. I feel like he would, not so much lie to me, but keep too many things from me because of them. Is the absence of truth a lie? I think in some cases it is. Its almost like “which side of the blade hurts worse? The lie, or the truth..I guess none of it matters when your throat is sliced and you’re laying in a pool of your own blood…” And too add to the confusion, I’m leaving in October. Do I really want to start something with someone and then be wondering constantly what they’re doing, who they’re with, if he’s back to doing/selling drugs? No! That’s the last thing I need on my mind at boot camp..

I WANT to get out of this death-trap of a town.

I DON’T want to do it by signing 8 years of my life away with the Navy (Too late now)

I WANT to be in a realtionship and know that someone cares for me

I DON’T want to get hurt again..

I’ve been doing so well. I’d lost 5 lbs and was to my GW1..then went through this huge depression of pretty much just drinking and gained almost all of it back. I really don’t eat anymore. It just never crosses my mind, then again I never work out either. My room is a disaster. My bank account has 30 cents in it. I don’t sleep, yet I feel like I can never find time for anything. those are the 4 things that really make my life for hay-wire.I need to get those back on track and I’m sure I’ll feel better. I really want to quit smoking. I NEED to quit smoking. I need to get on birth control, especially if Ricky and I continue our relationship. HA! That’d be the LAST thing I needed right now. I need to start taking care of myself better and staying home with my family instead of going out and getting crazy wasted all night every night. Its tough working in a bar.

Ricky, myself, and a girl we work with have talked about moving to the beach for the summer to get out of this town and sort-of start somewhere new. We’d get jobs and a little rinky dink apartment. I think that sounds like a good idea. I need to do something more with my life because I know if I stay here all summer, there’s bound to be trouble. Whether its with the law, family-wise, or something worse. I need to start a new personal life.

Well I suppose its time to get ready for work. Hopefully I’ll make some money tonight…