Somethings wrong with me. I haven’t had my period in over a month and I’ve taken 3 prego tests. All of which were negative. Idk what to do. Idk what I will do… Last time ricky & I hooked up I bled a very little bit. It was wierd. and then about a week later I kinda spotted a little bit for a few days, but I haven’t actually had my period. I’m freaked out, especially with all the stuff I am reading about it online: cervical cancer, pregnancy, stds…ugh! fml! Is it october yet? I’m ready to get the fuck out of here

So everyone I know thinks I’m a drunk..and obviously, rightfully so. Obviously I work in a bar and also manage the same one, so I am there just about every night. Well who wants to just sit there with nothing to do, so I will usually have a beer or two, but not get belligerant or anything. But last week my boss decided to close the bar sun-tues since the students from my college town are out of school. Tonight I posted on my status “Sara doesn’t know what to do since the brewery is closed sun-tues. What am I going to do during the week” one person said “oh I dunno, behave?” and another said “how about get a life.” That previous one really upset me because it honestly made me realize that I AM there almost every night and I AM drinking and stupid shit like that. These past two nights I’ve gone to another local bar to hang out. Last night I only had 1 beer…tonight after that comment it was more like 4, but I just really need to find some new hobbies. Where am I supposed to meet people? When I’m at the gym so zoned out on all the diet/workout pills I’d taken? or at a freaking bar where everyone is drinking?…There’s not much more to do in my town… There’s not much more to do in my life… If I’m not working out, sleeping, working, or drinking there’s nothing else. I can’t exactly go to a nice restaurant and sit by myself and expect someone to want to talk to me…If I were them, I’d be like what kind of girl comes to a restaurant by herself, barely touches her food, drinkings a long island and leaves.. Anyone have any suggestions on how to meet new people?.. I’m leaving soon, so its not like I want anything serious, I just want people to know that I have more to my life than being in a bar. If I weren’t to go to a bar during the evening, I would end up lying on my bed surfing the internet..Not Idk about you, but that doesn’t sound very exciting to me. I’ve already cleaned my room TWICE this week..Not much else I can do. I just hate sitting at home. I don’t mind sitting alone during the day when my family isn’t home.. but I hate when they’re here. I always feel like I’m being watched or judged  I’m sure it would be different if I lived in my own apartment. Possibly, I’ll try to get another job that will keep me busy more often… I’ll do that tomorrow.

Where did happy go?

I have control issues. Wierd ones. When I was younger my parents were sooo strict, up until I moved out pretty much and even then they tried to check in constantly, drive by my apartment to see what was going on, and call my friends. Well once I showed them that I didn’t give a damn everything just STOPPED. There was no gradual let down, or you know the laten-ing of curfews when I was a teenager, nothing to let me figure out gradually how to do it on my own. So, when I entered high school and dating and boys became apparent, but I wasnt allowed to until I was 18 I decided to take things into my own hands. If boys wouldn’t like me for me, I would take control of that gross, nerdy fat girl and make her into something beautiful. Thats where the control started. I started to distance myself from family & the very few friends that I did have. All I cared about was myself and the ugly body I was caged in. After high school my first relationship was a stupid one. The boy, 3 years older than me, fell like a brick off a wall for me (the new and improved me, long blonde hair, thin toned body) but still unhappy with myself I gradually slipped back into my depression and let him go after I figured out that I’d taken all of the control out of that relationship. Whenever I have a job I always take on as much responsibility as I can because I want to run the place, i want to be able to give out orders and make people listen to me… Well, with Ricky I have NO control and I can’t stand it, but I know its whats best for me..But I have a feeling that this may go back to like when I was younger. I had no control over the current situation, so I grabbed tight to the things I DID have control over. Tomorrow, black coffee for breakfast and lunch..Since I didn’t sleep last night and have lots of driving to do tomorrow. Steph will probably want to go out to dinner since we haven’t seen each other in a long time. I will order a salad with fat free dressing or whatever the lightest meal is on the menu..and I won’t even eat half of it. Also, if we’re planning on drinking tomorrow night I’m going to pace myself and take it easy, so therefore NO SHOTS! NO CHUGGING! end of story, as long as I don’t do either of those I should be fine seeing as how I can’t drink like a fish.

I feel so unwanted… By everyone. I feel like, ugh i dunno, its hard to explain. Its almost like everyone is content/oblivious with my existance. For instance, yesterday I was watching deperate housewives with some sorority sisters ( I practically begged to go over to their house) and one of the girls, Amy, started a conversation with Abby and Abby sort of looked at her with that “SHUT UP” kind of look and then I’m sure behind my back kind of like mouthed something to her like she didn’t want me to know about it. Like WTF?! I’m the last person to spread rumors or to leak secrets if thats what they were worried about. I’ve got enough of my own problems to worry about concerning myself with someone elses. After that I picked my stuff up and was just like “well I’m tired I’m leaving” I’m not going to talk to either of them until they try and say something to me. Because I don’t want to be anywhere with anyone that I’m not wanted…Which seems like everywhere. Brandi got a new roommate. They’re wierd together. Its not going to work out either, she’ll just end up getting hooked on really crazy drugs, I mean, she’s already dropped out of school. Of all the people I have no clue about, Ricky seriously constantly has me guessing. I’m so whipped and I know it, but I’ve been like this with all my boyfriends. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if I want to do something I’m gonna do it. But if, for instance, last night Ricky asked me to pick him up a pack of cigarettes and put them in his mailbox because he was going to sleep and needed them for work in the morning, I did it. Now WTF is wrong with me.. I should’ve thought to myself “come on sara, if he wants cigs that bad he could at least come to the door and got them from you”, but no, I didn’t think that at all I just did it. And to make matters worse..I did it again today and actually thought that, but still did it. I did text him when I was almost to his house and told him to come out and give me a kiss since I would be gone for the next couple of days. He did. …But he wanted space and that’s what he’ll get. I’ll text him when I get there and tell him that I made it okay and then that will be IT! I’m sure we’ll be drinking, but I’m going to pace myself and make sure that I don’t drunk text him or anything stupid like that, because that would be the last straw between us.

I think he’s just asking me to do things because he’s holding my stupid actions over my head and I think I do those things for him so he won’t leave me. IIII always have to have the upper hand, no one leaves til I’m ready.

I’ve been doing fairly well with restricting. In the past 4 days I’ve had 4 french fries, a bowl of cinnamon toast crunch, 1/2 a grilled chicken salad with fat free dressing, and kinda slipped up yesterday with a hamburger patty with ketchup… Could be healthier, but all in all, not too bad. That is what a normal person would probably eat in 1 day, not the span of 4. I’ve been losing weight too. I’m still at a high because of how fucked up I’ve been gettting and not caring what I ate and my lack of working out, but I am at 138.4 which is .4 lower than yesterday. almost 1/2 a pound in 1 day is good for me in a week I could be at my first goal weight. I’m trying not to let myself get caught up in drama surrounding Ricky. The other night he told me that he just needed space, so I’ve been giving it to him and letting him come to ME if he wants to talk or anything, and the other night he said “No matter how upset you make me, I can’t stay mad at you.” ..But I’ve still been trying to mind my own business..AND dress extra cute 😉  The chase is back on!…Well I’m sure he’ll turn up around town somewhere this evening so I’m going to go ahead and get ready and all prettied up just in case we happen to run into each other.