I feel so unwanted… By everyone. I feel like, ugh i dunno, its hard to explain. Its almost like everyone is content/oblivious with my existance. For instance, yesterday I was watching deperate housewives with some sorority sisters ( I practically begged to go over to their house) and one of the girls, Amy, started a conversation with Abby and Abby sort of looked at her with that “SHUT UP” kind of look and then I’m sure behind my back kind of like mouthed something to her like she didn’t want me to know about it. Like WTF?! I’m the last person to spread rumors or to leak secrets if thats what they were worried about. I’ve got enough of my own problems to worry about concerning myself with someone elses. After that I picked my stuff up and was just like “well I’m tired I’m leaving” I’m not going to talk to either of them until they try and say something to me. Because I don’t want to be anywhere with anyone that I’m not wanted…Which seems like everywhere. Brandi got a new roommate. They’re wierd together. Its not going to work out either, she’ll just end up getting hooked on really crazy drugs, I mean, she’s already dropped out of school. Of all the people I have no clue about, Ricky seriously constantly has me guessing. I’m so whipped and I know it, but I’ve been like this with all my boyfriends. I mean, don’t get me wrong, if I want to do something I’m gonna do it. But if, for instance, last night Ricky asked me to pick him up a pack of cigarettes and put them in his mailbox because he was going to sleep and needed them for work in the morning, I did it. Now WTF is wrong with me.. I should’ve thought to myself “come on sara, if he wants cigs that bad he could at least come to the door and got them from you”, but no, I didn’t think that at all I just did it. And to make matters worse..I did it again today and actually thought that, but still did it. I did text him when I was almost to his house and told him to come out and give me a kiss since I would be gone for the next couple of days. He did. …But he wanted space and that’s what he’ll get. I’ll text him when I get there and tell him that I made it okay and then that will be IT! I’m sure we’ll be drinking, but I’m going to pace myself and make sure that I don’t drunk text him or anything stupid like that, because that would be the last straw between us.
I think he’s just asking me to do things because he’s holding my stupid actions over my head and I think I do those things for him so he won’t leave me. IIII always have to have the upper hand, no one leaves til I’m ready.