“Dear God, please make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here”

Lately I’ve found myself in a cross roads between Jenny from Forrest Gump and Courtney Love… Not exactly a fun place to be. Doing any drug I can get my hands on, broke as fuck, and getting hammered one night just to wake up still drunk and do it all over again… In a way, life might be easier that way. Today is my first day sober in about..hell i dunno a week or so.. And speaking of sober I’m about to crush up a xanny bar & start the cycle all over again. Cigarettes, Xanax, and a cheap bottle of wine.. HA! Keepin’ it classy. On the plus side, I haven’t been eating. I’ve been too fucked up to even think about food. Yesterday, I started my new job. Went in hungover and looking like shit. I ate 3 crackers..whoppdee doo! At least I have a way for money now though. And I make $5 an hour plus tips. Made $96 on my first day there in just tips. Can’t wait for my pay check..He already has me working nearly every day.

PAUSE: Xanax time..

Better now 8)

My lifestyle is out of control and I know people are beginning to suspect something..Even Ricky. And HE’S the one that’s bad off on drugs, but he constantly keeps asking me “Is everything okay?” I, of course, respond with “Yes baby, I’m fine.” Ha! I don’t even know what “FINE” means..If this is FINE, then I can’t even imagine what terrible is. wow.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.Fine…Not fine.

My friend’s band is playing at a local bar tonight. I think I’m going to get dressed up and go see them. I don’t remember the last time I straightened my hair. I think my hair is finally long enough to look 1/2 decent with my extensions too, so maybe I’ll try that out. I have to be picky about what I wear though. My whole body is just one big bruise. ribs, arms, stomach, legs..even my feet have cuts on them from ditching the stilettos and stumbling my way home barefoot. I’m sure that’s what some of the other rugburn/gashes are from too. I’m a mess and there’s nothing hot about it this time…

Time to get ready. The party doesn’t start til 10, but this mess is going to take a while to clean up…Why can’t I just be beautiful?

Oh wait. Sean is coming back to town next week. He sent me a text last night saying “God I really miss you.”..this is going to be one fuuuucked up week I know it already. I think I’ve got enough of these z’s to keep me in a semi comotose state for that long..let’s hope so at least.

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I go so long without eating..and then its days like today when I just don’t stop. Ricky and I are finally fine and we are more or less together. Now its time to start working on me. I need a new job. I’ve applied to what seems like a million different places and still have heard nothing back. I’ll go look at more tomorrow. I am sunburnt. It hurts. I need to get back to losing weight like I was..My summer clothes from last year are slightly too big. I want them to hang from my bones by the end. I need to save money.. That’s pretty easy right now since I have NONE. I am going to cash in all my change tomorrow. I “borrowed” $20  from my mom this evening. I DO fully intend on paying it back though.  I’m having a party tomorrow evening since I will have the entire house all to myself. I hope people actually come :/ I wouldn’t be suprised if they didn’t. Oh well, alone time for Ricky & I. That should be nice. I’m going to see how much weight I can lose in 2 weeks. I started the time at 12am June 22nd. That means it will end July 6th.. My ex is coming in at the beginning of July. I would like to drop 6 pounds by then. It won’t be hard. I’ve been doing nothing but binging and drinking. I’m not sure what to do about him coming in. I want to see him, but at the same time I’d like to pretend he’s not even here. I don’t want to upset him or Ricky. I’d like to tell them the truth, but I’m sure I’d lose them both if I did…Not that I actualy need either of them.

never so glad!

I don’t think I’ve EVER been so glad to get my period…though the cramps are KILLING me..ugh I don’t even want to get out of bed they’re so bad! Had a suprise party for Ricky last night. His ex came..I didn’t invite her..Damn Fairpointe! Everyone knows everything. He didn’t leave with her. He left with me. We went to 2 other bars. He didn’t stay with me. I paid for everything. This has to stop. He sold his digital scales and other drug parafinalia last night. Hopefully he saves his money now. I’m tired of being the man. We haven’t had sex in almost 2 months. I know he’s fucked at least 1 other girl. I don’t think I even like him anymore, I just want to be wanted..

On a better note, I’ve been cutting back eating ALOT. Today I’ll go to walmart and buy some more of those drinking mixes, they really kept me from eating last time. I think they were the hydroxycut brand. I liked them wayyy better than the pills. They seemed to work like a charm. I’ve also been cutting back smoking. I plan on quitting this month. I know I can do it. I just have to make myself want to. I’ve got such strong will power.

More later. its time for a nap. Restricting for the rest of the day.