“Dear God, please make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here”

Lately I’ve found myself in a cross roads between Jenny from Forrest Gump and Courtney Love… Not exactly a fun place to be. Doing any drug I can get my hands on, broke as fuck, and getting hammered one night just to wake up still drunk and do it all over again… In a way, life might be easier that way. Today is my first day sober in about..hell i dunno a week or so.. And speaking of sober I’m about to crush up a xanny bar & start the cycle all over again. Cigarettes, Xanax, and a cheap bottle of wine.. HA! Keepin’ it classy. On the plus side, I haven’t been eating. I’ve been too fucked up to even think about food. Yesterday, I started my new job. Went in hungover and looking like shit. I ate 3 crackers..whoppdee doo! At least I have a way for money now though. And I make $5 an hour plus tips. Made $96 on my first day there in just tips. Can’t wait for my pay check..He already has me working nearly every day.

PAUSE: Xanax time..

Better now 8)

My lifestyle is out of control and I know people are beginning to suspect something..Even Ricky. And HE’S the one that’s bad off on drugs, but he constantly keeps asking me “Is everything okay?” I, of course, respond with “Yes baby, I’m fine.” Ha! I don’t even know what “FINE” means..If this is FINE, then I can’t even imagine what terrible is. wow.

Fine. Fine. Fine. Fine.Fine…Not fine.

My friend’s band is playing at a local bar tonight. I think I’m going to get dressed up and go see them. I don’t remember the last time I straightened my hair. I think my hair is finally long enough to look 1/2 decent with my extensions too, so maybe I’ll try that out. I have to be picky about what I wear though. My whole body is just one big bruise. ribs, arms, stomach, legs..even my feet have cuts on them from ditching the stilettos and stumbling my way home barefoot. I’m sure that’s what some of the other rugburn/gashes are from too. I’m a mess and there’s nothing hot about it this time…

Time to get ready. The party doesn’t start til 10, but this mess is going to take a while to clean up…Why can’t I just be beautiful?

Oh wait. Sean is coming back to town next week. He sent me a text last night saying “God I really miss you.”..this is going to be one fuuuucked up week I know it already. I think I’ve got enough of these z’s to keep me in a semi comotose state for that long..let’s hope so at least.

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