I met a boy. Yeah, I know. Another one? Its not like that though. I’ve known him for almost 2 years now and since I’m not going to the Navy I can finally see him. Tonight he said he didn’t progress on me because of Ricky. I told him Ricky was done and over with. I kind of lied..Great..Lies to start off a could-be relationship. Oh well, I have liked Mike ever since I met him. He’s a cop..its always good to have those on your side right? I’m going to try, …but not make it to obvious. I’ve lost weight. He’s a guy, I doubt he notices…but I hope he has..his last GF looked like this..There is NO WAY I could EVER look like this even if I didn’t eat anything at all for a year!

She was probably THAT small..like 5’2″ MAYBE 90 lbs!!..I couldn’t do that if I TRIED..oh well. I DO think I have a nice personality and he HAS seemed interrested before. I really like him and I don’t want to screw this up..therefore I won’t eat..

 

Still haven’t eaten any more today..but I did drink about 6 beers..fml..at least it was liquid?

Practice makes perfect, purging takes practice..therefore Perfect takes purging. Right?

Didn’t eat all day at work. Came home at 9pm at some kind of cold noodle bacon tasting thing. Weighed myself, then threw it up. Yuck!! I don’t know why I even ate it. Its because I’m bored I know it. I don’t like 4-8 shifts..its nice cuz I can sleep in and then get to bed at a reasonable time that night, but I just always want to eat afterwards. Its rediculous! Tomorrow is a 4-8 shift also. I’ll not eat before or after. I’m just going to try to load up on tons of water. A friend is supposed to call me to go to a little get together later. She was supposed to call at 10 and still hasn’t called yet. I’m really tired. I might just go to bed now and try to pass out..then if I can’t take some sleeping pills and just try to sleep the entire night and not wake up til the afternoon tomorrow. I’d like to tan sometime though..I might see how much money I can save up before texas then if I think I have enough I’ll go get one of those spray tans..I’ve seen some people with them and they really don’t look that bad. I might dye my hair tomorrow after work also.. I need a change. I’d like to go light brown because I think I look pretty good with brown hair, but I want to be blonde for texas, so I might just do I darker platnium color for then and then maybe brown when I come back..but I definately have to do SOMETHING. I’m drawing my tattoo also..Tomorrow I’ll call the Navy office and confess that I fucked up. I’ll be out after that. I’m not going to get my tattoo until I’m 130..Period..That REALLY has something to get me motivated. I can’t wait for my life to start again.

20 days!

Alright, it is exactly 20 days until I meet up with Ricky again. For the first time in about a month or month and 1/2. Let’s see how much I can lose. I know it can be over 10 lbs. Last week I fasted for 3 days. I’ll fast the week right before we leave because i know if I try to do it now I’ll just end up wasting time because I’ll eat like crazy after that. I’ll just continue to have small healthy meals, no soda, redmeat, cheese, or bread. ooo or anything deep fried! veggies veggies veggies! I’ll also start doing a little extra cardio and some waist trimming exercises. Its easy to get away with because my whole family works almost every day of the week. I’m going to lay out in the sun a lot too. Once he see’s me he will SOOOO regret going back home. HA!

new course of action… There’s no way the Navy is going to take me now… Granted I haven’t talked to my recruiter yet, but I just know. I have way too much on my record and since I was in the DEP program, you’re not supposed to get in any trouble and well obviously I did. I talk to my lawyer tomorrow then I’ll go talk to my recruiter and break the news to him. I’m not sure HOW I’m going to tell him, but I know I have to. I’m probably just gonna go in and be like..well sir, I’m screwed. You might as well just throw my file away now. I’m going to try not to get myself down on it. I’m going to save up my money from work for an entire semester, then I think I’m going to go back to school. NOT in Fairpointe. My sister is going away to school in Weston, so I think maybe I’ll go there. It will get me out of this town and I finally have my priorities straight. I know what I want to do. I want to go back and get back into pre dentistry then eventually go to dentistry school and be an orthodontist. I will have to take out loans of course, but I’ll be able to pay them back in no time especially if I have my own office.

I always seem to get SOOO close to my goals, but then I fuck up right at the end. I’ll get like 2 lbs from my goal weight but then I’ll go on a month binge and have to start all over again. Just like with the Navy and school when I went before. This time I can do it.

I wish I wouldn’t have cut my hair so soon. Its already grown out quite a bit. At least I can have long hair again..

I shouldn’t be so easy on myself, but I can’t keep dwelling on the past either. Maybe I’ll meet a guy in college. That would be nice 🙂

My life is nothing but a big thunderstorm. I’ll get to those points where I think I see the light, but it turns out its just lightning to bring on the rest of the thunder and tourential downpour. Its honestly the truth. This isn’t just one of those stupid “my life is so terrible things. I honestly cannot think of anything worse.

fuk’d

Yep I’m screwed. Got an aggrivated DUI last night. My bac was .25 something I think..almost 3 times the legal limit. I begged them to just take me home. I want to die right now. I just really wish I was dead. I need to get out of this town and go back to school somewhere. I know for a fact that the navy won’t take me anymore..at least they probably won’t. I can’t think of a different service I’d rather go to. I just need to get married to someone who is in the service. I can get a job wherever they are. Or be a stay at home mom or something. I just really have to get out of here. I HAVE TO Its killing me.

Still haven’t eaten yet today. I’m still debating on whether or not I want to. I don’t have to work or anything..and there’s really not anything to do. I should just stay home and relax, but when I’m at home my cravings are the worst. I think I’m going to get up and drink one of my hydroxycut things and then see where it goes from there. After not fasting for soooo long, I’m so surpised I’ve made it this long. Granted, its not like I haven’t eated at all, but all there ever was was like MAYBE 50 calories a day..So I’d say that’s pretty good. Gonna go weigh myself and see if I’ve lost anymore 🙂 Hope so

 

ugh! I feel awful! Today I ate an eggwhite sandwich on wheat bread and just not had a piece of fish with vinegar. I feel disgusting. I feel like I’ve eaten a whole cow! I know  its because I haven’t eaten for a few days, so my stomach shrunk..ugh. No more food today. Its already 7:30 anyways. Ricky said he loved me..Yeah right.

“Hate is a strong word, but so is love and people throw it around like its nothing”

 

I ordered mine and Ricky’s tickets to the cowboys game today. It will be an 18 hour drive which will suck, but I’m sure he’ll drive part of it too. I can’t wait til we can spend a week together, just us, away from everyone in fucking fairpointe! He seems excited to go. He keeps saying “I love you”…I really hate that I keep getting sucked back into his trap…

Finished 4 days of a semi-fast. Day 1 I didn’t eat anything. Day 2 I had a salad then purged it. Day 3 I had 5 chips and 2 french fries. And day 4 (today) I had some arby’s fries, but I did 1/2 an oc 80 and puked it all back up. SEVERAL times. It was miserable and I’m bloated from being on my period, but I have lost 7.2 lbs! woo hoo only 7.3 to go before I meet my initial goal of 129. I went swimming with some friends from work today and one of my coworkers said “Sara, you are really tiny.” I know its not true, but it was nice of her to comment. I don’t have to work tomorrow, so I’m going to maybe go to the mall with my sister, then come home to clean my room, so I can keep myself busy.

Ricky sent me another facebook message, it just asked what was new. I broke down and told him it wasn’t the same not seeing/talking to him every day. That I luv’d him & missed him…we’ll see how far that goes. I actually kind of like him being away for a while. I just don’t like that I don’t know what’s going on..especially with him ex.

Finally got some sleep last night..fell asleep around 9:30 and woke up at about2..not too bad. I ate a small french fry and a potato round today..Only other calories were from a jack & diet pepsi and gum. I don’t feel hungry at all. Of course I feel like I could eat, that’s all I ever seem to want to do, but I’m not actually physically hungry. Since I have an empty stomach, that jack and diet kinda gave me a buzz. I should stay home tonight, I know, but I’m going to ask that cute boy Josh (that I met last night) if he wants to go to a bar tonight. One of my friends bands is playing. I think he would have fun and it would be a chance for us to get to know each other. I’m going to have to only allow myself just a few drinks if I’m driving because I know that if I get even just 3 in me I will be wasted and that’s a TERRIBLE first impression lol..even though he was the drunk one last night. I think I’ll just go back to the bar I work at (where he is) and ask if he wants to go. If he says yes, we’ll go, and if he says no, then I’ll just leave and pretend that I went, so he doesn’t think I have no life..but with what I’m planning on wearing tonight, he’ll never be able to say no ;)…I LOVE FASTING! it always makes me feel wayyy better about myself.

FASTED!! wahooo!..

Only calories consumed were from 2 pieces of sugarfree gum, 1 Cup of 2% milk, and 2 Cups of orange juice..OH and a Jack Daniels and diet pepsi…Haha wierd that my highest cal. “Meal” was a shot of liquor lol.

I feel great about myself. I resisted alllll day. I’m planning on doing the same tomorrow..Unless I drink, which I sort of plan on doing. I work from 4-8, so it won’t be a problem fasting until 8..I’m not sure if I’m going to drink tomorrow or not. My friend Mandy goes on right after I do, so I kind of want to stay and drink. I may just have 2 or 3 jack & diets and head home and actually get some rest. Its almost 6am now and i’m still not asleep. I should probably just stay awake and go for an early morning run with my dog around 7 or 8 then take a nap around noon. I have some errands to run anyways. This was the first day I’ve fasted in quite a while. I’d like to keep it going. I really want to get drunk tonight, but I don’t really have a ride and I know that after about 5 or 6 drinks I’ll be trashed especially if I don’t eat and I REALLY don’t want to eat. I’m proud of myself.

Ricky sent me another facebook message. I sent one back, but it was just short answers to everything. Not much body to the message. Anyway, I met a new guy tonight 🙂 he’s my co-worker’s nephew. He’s a year younger than me, but he seems to be attracted to me and hot damn he’s beautiful! I’ll see what I can do there 😉

 

EDIT: Its 8am..I can’t fucking sleep!!