I don’t have much to say..much to say at all. I’m alone. I’m always alone. I’m earliy too comfortable with this feeling. Shawn’s not coming in. Its okay because I just found out he was planning on bringing his wife. EW. He still talks to me almost daily. He said “I should’ve known better than to marry her. I should’ve waited for you even if I waited for eternity. You were just a crazy, drunk bitch. She’s actually a horrible person.” I wasn’t sure what to say back to that. I pretty much just said that it was never going to happen. We’re great with each other. Over the phone, on the computer, texting..until we actually see each other, that is. Then, we’re fire and gasoline.

Ricky called thursday. He asked if I would take him to Elkview. Its about 2 hours from here. His grandfather had gone to the hospital and wasn’t doing well, so he needed to get there. I picked him up at 10am after sleeping only 2 hours (My insomnia has been rediculous lately) He had A LOT of stuff with him. He took his tools, many pairs of shoes, hats, his Bronco’s blanket, and a bag so huge that I could have fit in it. Right then I knew he was gone for good. He carried out a bag of DVD’s and dvd players (not sure why he had 3 of them..he probably stole them) We finally arrived around 1pm. He said his cousin didn’t want to meet me. That doesn’t suprise me, I haven’t met any of his family. He’s met most of mine. I helped him unload his things. He came back for the bag of DVDs and said “I don’t know if I want to take these. Will you take them back for me?” I said “Yes, but I’m leaving in October.” He said “I’ll be back in 10 days. You’ll still be here for that long won’t you?” I said “Yes, but I don’t think you’re coming back.” He said he would and with a hug and a kiss he was gone. And I was in tears all the way home. I almost cried on the way up there. I’m glad I was able to hold back. He said he would call when he got there. No phone call and its been 5 days. I’m not suprised. Yesterday, I decided to give up on him. I decided that I need to get back to the gym and work on myself and with him around he’s all I think about. As soon as I signed onto facebook there was a message. It was from him. Saying he hadn’t had access to a phone and it would be long distance anyway. He said he liked it there and doesn’t know if he wants to leave. I don’t blame him, but if he doesn’t come back this will be the second time someone’s ran away from me..First Matt Now Ricky…Am i really that bad? Yes, I am.

Tomorrow, I’m going to renew my gym membership. I only have 3 months before I leave. I need to get in shape or I will be royally fucked in boot camp. I want it to be as easy as possible, so I’m going to start working hard again. When it gets a little cooler outside (Its 94 now at 8pm) I’m going to go clean out my car then drive to the car wash to vacuum it out. I like having a clean car and it hasn’t been clean for what seems like ages. I will then begin working on my room. Putting clothes away is the main problem. I have 4 laundry baskets full of clothes that need to be put away. After than I can start organizing and get my winter clothes to the attic. I’ll feel better when there’s less clutter in my life.

I’m going to the movies tonight…by myself. Yes, I really am that big of a loser. My luck I’ll see like 20 people I know. I don’t care. I’m over what people think of me. I cared for so long and it never changed anything, so I’m done wasting my time caring.


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