With tear stained cheeks and watered down vision she clears away the smudges of her make up and thinks…tomorrow might be better, if only I just don’t wake up…</3
I’m completely wrecked. On my way to work today I got a text from one of mine and Ricky’s mutual friends that basically told me Ricky told him he was staying in VA with his EX FIANCE Claire..Had I not been on my way to work and just done my eyeliner I would have litterally cried my eyes out..Just like I’ve been doing for the past hour. Why does this keep happening to me??!!! I just don’t fucking understand! First Matt staying with me for almost 5 months and then just taking off to the beach to have a baby and get engaged without saying a word StiLL TO THIS DAY! And then the first guy that I have let myself trust again since 2 YEARS after Matt and I parted ways does the same damn thing!.. I mean, he’s not pregnant, and as far as I know they’re not engaged again yet, but why can’t anyone tell me the fucking truth?! It seriously just tears me to pieces! It rips me right in two. Why am I not worth the truth?!…She’s fat.
Not a terrible caloric intake today, but not exactly the BEST foods to eat. Hotdog at 11:30am, 1/2 a cheesestick at 10pm. Then when I got home I was so upset I almost ate leftover spaghetti, but instead I grabbed a salad and cut up 1/2 a meat ball into itty bitty slices and added it to the salad and topped it with a touch of vidalia onion dressing..which I at first thought was fat free..boy was I wrong! I was so upset I decided I HAD to PURGE it! I haven’t purged in sooooooo long. Probably over a year. I wasn’t able to get it all up, but I tried to tell myself to quit a few times and I just had the will power to say “just one more. just one more”..Something was different about it this time. I used to hate myself when I purged, but this time just felt damn good. I’m not sure how to explain it. Perhaps I’ll get some sleep tonight. …who knows. Its 15 til 5 am..somehow I don’t see this happening. Maybe I’ll sketch another picture. I’ve got too much anger and hurt inside my soul right now. I want to cut..
I know I hid that blade around here somewhere…