So, after Monday’s super binge, I’ve done really well. Yesterday, I didn’t weigh myself because I knew it would be outrageous and I didn’t want to get depressed and say “fuck it. I’ve already screwed up might as well eat the whole damn house.” Because that’s exactly what I would have done. Yesterday, I didn’t eat anything all day and I had a 55 cal beer and 2 Jack & diets. I had to go to the dentist yesterday and when the numbing finally went away my jaw was really sore, I guess from keeping my mouth open for so long while getting the cavity filled. My coworker gave me a perk 5 and I just ate it. Well on an empty stomach that didn’t work out so well. I ran to the bathroom & puked it up.. Didn’t get much up obviously because I hadn’t eaten. I started to get really light headed so I munch on about 10-15 fries..not the healtiest I know, but it was my only option and I was seriously going to pass out cuz of that damn pill. Oh well, It didn’t affect me much because when I just weighed myself it said 134!..When I stepped on it the first couple times it said 133.8, but with as OCD as I am I have to weigh myself several times to make sure that it says the same number over & over & over again. And that turned up to be 134. That means I am 1LB under my halloween gw and only 3.8-4lbs from my 2gw. Today sucks! I don’t have to work, so I will be at home alllll night with nothing to do. I am going to want to eat like crazy just because I’m bored. I know it. I’m trying to get my mom to take me to the mall after she gets off work, so I can find some shoes to go with my halloween costumes. I also need a few accessories. That should keep my occupied for a little while. I’m also going to just binge myself with water allllll day. That used to work for me as far as keeping me full. Maybe I’ll try to catch a nap some time during the day maybe around 2:30 or so. That’ll be another hour I won’t have to worry about. I still have plenty of smart snacking options if I absolutely cannot stop myself from eating I just have to be sure and stick with those and not go munching on chips and sweets. I’ll just wait as long as I possibly can to eat today, because once I start eating I won’t stop.

 

EDIT: Also, last night after work, I was riding home with some of my coworkers and as hungry as I was everyone in the car was getting gross fattening things at hardees at 2am to shove their fat faces with then go to bed and let it turn to straight curdled fat in their arteries.. I didn’t have anything

 

I ate like a freaking cow already today! Its only 2pm and I’ve already had rice (50), grits (100), fat free blueberry yogurt with granola (120), and cottage cheese (100)  That’s 370 calories already and its barely lunchtime!! Needless to say it was fairly healthy, but I was just bragging about how I was actually going to look okay in my halloween costumes..so much for that one! And I STILL have a hungry feeling. What the fuck is up with this?!! I’m going to go drown myself with a gallon of water to try and make me feel full.

I’m still .4 under my 1GW..But the numbers don’t seem to be moving down any more. I’ve  hit another plateau..Fabulous. If I can keep it where its at now and not let it go up any more, I’ll be fine in my halloween costumes..mostly. Well..not fine, but I can deal with it..its  alot better than when I was 10 lbs heavier. i haven’t been tanning..I wasted all that money to lay maybe 10 times.. I’m going today to get one of those spray on mystic tans..that sounds  a lot easier..hopefully it doesn’t come out all smudged and orange and wierd looking..most of the people I have seen get them look okay, hopefully I’m just lucky!

.6 under my first goal weight! That means I have 4.4 more to go to meet my 2nd gw and only 12.4 more until my first UGW! I’m finally back on track. I don’t know why I ever quit. Starving is easy. Resisting bad habits is the hard part 🙂 I’m still working on it, but I’ve come a long way. I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve got it under control..mostly. Cutting back on drinking is seriously the best thing I’ve done in a loooong time. I’ve started getting up earlier and being more productive than I have been. Not as much as I should be, but everything takes time. I’ve been walking a lot, that’s a good thing. I might walk down to the tanning bed here in a few. I need to tan the rest of this week for sure. I might end up getting one of those mystic tan things for next weekend. I’m just not going to be tan enough to wear those stupid costumes for work.

I did it! I met my 1st GW! and I’m actually under it! 134.6. I’m on my way, you better believe it. This is the smallest I’ve been in almost 2 years. Isn’t that sickening? I ate 3eggwhites and oatmeal today, then decided to weigh myself and I was 135.6….so I purged it all and dropped a pound!..drank lots of water throughout the meal too..not like I ate a whole lb of oatmeal and eggs lol. Bring it on halloween! I’ve got my own weapon! I just might wear my school girl and my dallas cheerleaders uniform this year.. We shall see. At this rate I should be at 130 by the 28th..(That day starts our halloween weekend at work) and it lasts all 3 days, then I should/SHOULDN’T find a place to party on sunday the actual halloween. Welp, off to walk a few miles with my puppy. I remember I needed to go to rite aid, but I don’t remember what for. I know its not food 😉

I am so tired! I’ve barely slept at all these past 3 days. I’ve just got too much on my mind. Working, trying to please the parents, finding schools to go to next semester, and finding a job wherever I DO end up finding a school…ugh this sucks. I just can’t sleep. If I do sleep its been for about 2-3 hours a night..I’m runnin’ on empty..litterally I had 8 grilled shrimp last night. There were about 250 cals in them. I really didn’t think there were that many cals in grilled shrimp, but I also had about 1/2 of my side salad with no dressing. That’s all I had yesterday, so not too bad. Halloween I’m gonna get there & kick your ass! ..I just gotta keep it in my head that I can’t just quit after halloween I’ve gotta keep doing. I’m actually very proud of myself. I’m kinda doing well like when I was when I went to hawaii. I need to plan a vacation for this birthday..but I have no clue where to go. I’d like to go somewhere with a beach and where they speak english..those are my only requirements..I’ve got plenty of money from working so much so that’s not too much of a problem. Maybe a cruise?

I hate drinking! Once I start, I never want to stop. I need to gain control of myself! I do such stupid shit when I’m drunk too. I lie, I forget things, I make a fool out of myself ALWAYS. I really just need to stop drinking especially since I barely eat. Today I had 3 egg whites with onions and green peppers, 140 cal bowl of tomato soup, 100 cal yogurt cup, and 7 saltene crackers. Not too overly bad seeing as how I’ve been up alllllll day for a change. Its 12:30 and I’m actually tired like a normal person should be.

Tomorrow: Walk to tanning bed, tan, walk home, shower and get ready for work. No where in any of that does it say eat! Got it! I’m only 1.2 lbs from my 1st gw!! and that means only 6.2 to go before my birthday 🙂 I can do it

Thinspo from VS since I’m looking to buy a few things from their website

    Love her collar bones and arms and cheek bones I really like how her stomach is nice and flat, but still toned

Look at her shoulder blades

I’m gettin’ there…Just gotta keep my mind on track and not fuck up like I always do.

 

I wanna disappear

A piece of cheese break yesterday dipped in marinara sauce..that’s it! wahoo! especially since I ran out of cigarettes! I’m doin’ the best I can and that’s the best I can do.

My computer is acting so slow! I don’t know what’s wrong with it. My sister is in for the weekend from college, therefore she is the center of attention, like always. Oh well, maybe she and I can at least go shopping or something tomorrow, something so I can get out of this fucking house. I’ve got 8 more lbs to lose and I’ve got 13 days to do it. I know I can do it, I’ve just got to get off my ass and do some cardio. It should fall off fairly quickly because for the past week or so, my caloric intake has been less than 500..if that even. Today I had a cup of noodles (130), a salad with fat free red wine vinegrette dressing (15), and I Binged on 1 cup of baked potato soup (probably about 300) So, 445 today and I ate more today that I have in quite a while..especially withouth purging. Yesterday I ate a piece of pizza, but about 10 seconds after I ate it I ran to the bathroom at work and purged it. I haven’t tanned for the last 3 days either..grr..that’s the part that really pisses me off. I pay $45 for 30 days and I probably only ever go like 1/2 of the days and barely even get tan! It would certainly be better if I could drive. I know its only a little over 1/2 a mile from my house, but just getting the time and motivation to walk down there and back seems to be the hardest part for me. I wish I could find our tire pump. I could inflate the tires on my bike and ride that down there..that would certainly take less time.

I’ve had just an awful day today. I’m losing my feelings for Ricky. He and I both just need to move on. Neither of us are ever going to move closer together and if either of us did it would be me, but I already know that would be a huge mistake. We would end up being one of those couples that married young after they found out the girl was accidently pregnant. I would end up dropping out of college once again and working at some kind of shop n’ save for the rest of my life.. No way. That’s not the way its going to happen for me. As soon as I log off here, I am going to look at dentistry schools “somewhat” close to here. Hopefully somewhere southwest maybe?

Didn’t sleep until almost 9:30 this morning. And that’s after I took nyquil. Now I am absolutely exhausted, but I have to hurry and get ready cuz I have to tan, then go to work at 8 and its already 6:30. Lost .6 since this morning, but I chowed down on some baked french fries my mom made and I might eat a bowl of oatmeal before I go to work :/ i dunno. i’m not hungry anymore. I still have another pill with me, but I want to save it, so i probably won’t do it tonight. My stomach is looking better..My love handles on the other hand!!! WTF!! Anyone got some good exercises for those fuckers?