Get ready!

Get ready!

Okay, you stupid skinny model bitch! Here I come. Pretty soon YOU will want to look like ME! Not the other way around. All those boys at the parties will be staring at me and ignoring your skank ass. 🙂 Haha! Caroline, you juuuust wait.

Back to fasting today. I’m not going to be drinking, so it won’t hurt me one bit. Used to be I had to eat cuz if I didn’t and I did pills I’d puke or if I drank I’d be absolutely shitfaced after about 4 drinks..not anymore. Done with drinking. Done with drugs. I don’t need that shit. I’ll be gettin’ high off losing weight and the empty feeling in my stomach. Also, no more pop, even if its diet. I’ll gorge myself with water, so I don’t feel hungry and if I need caffeine I’ll grab a cup of black coffee or some tea. I don’t need caffeine anyway. Seeing as how its almost 6am and I’m STILL awake. I’m so excited to start this fast I can’t even describe it. I’m happy already and I’m only 4 hours into it. I don’t like saying “okay I’m going to do this for 72 hours” or anything like that because I ALWAYS break it. I just go and go and go until I actually forget that I’m not eating. I last a lot longer that way. All I’ve gotta do it keep myself occupied and if that means by just sleeping the day away then fuck, so be it. Just gotta avoid the late night munchies when i can’t sleep at 4am. Here’s a little bit of thinspo I’ve been lookin’ at.

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This will be me & my friend as soon as I finish this fast. She’s already twig thin. Now its my turn.

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Just a little country girl 🙂 lookin’ for a big cowboy to take me awayyy..

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No one likes love handles!

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My clothes will be litterally falling off of me

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Anything will look good on you when you’re THAT thin!

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EW! Who wants to be AVERAGE!!??

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Perfect housewife..even if SHE’S not eating it 😉

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Get ready for next semester at school. Your books will be heavier than you!

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Lighter than air

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I LOVE her microdermals! As soon as my collarbones look like that I’m getting them!

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You’ll be able to SWIM in your huge buff boyfriend’s shirts. That’s the kind of hot guy you’ll get when you’re thin!

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Look like an angel in the winter wonderland

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He’ll be able to pick you up with ease..Only my guy would be wayyy buffer 😉 (& not b/c he needed to be)

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LOVE IT!

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I’d have a reason to [laugh]

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Floating on air

Something like that would be cute to wear to work. If I looked like that.

I want to look like a child again.

My weight on my drivers license will actually be CORRECT!

Look at those legs!

I wanna sit without my stomach hanging over

precious!

Very simialr to a picture I’m painting!

 

Compliments of: Superthinnxme, photobucket, chiffon_and_satin, and a few others

 

Okay. I figure that’s a long enough post for now. Time to get movin..as soon as my mother & father go to work, that is.

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Yeppp..Just as I suspected. I didn’t do a damn thing on my to-do list today. I didn’t get any sleep..again. And once again it is 5:15 am and Yep, you got it I’m STILL awake. I set my alarm for tomorrow and I WILL get up at a reasonable hour to try and get this sleep back on track. I can’t handle this. It makes me feel more alone than I already am. Alone when I wake up in the midafternoon, stay in my room (alone) until about 7 when I go to work, where I sit (alone) til 8 when I clock in. Then, and only then, do I trick myself into actually believing that I belong somewhere…I’m good at pretending (I even began to believe it myself) At close, I drive home (alone) where I sit at the tv for about 3-4 hours sometimes even longer then I go to bed (alone)..Wow I have an exciting play-by-play of a day. HA! How rediculous.. I went from the girl that needed her own reality show, to..to..to someone who has no idea who the figure is staring back at her in the mirror.

I had planned on getting so much stuff done today. Instead, I barely got any sleep last night, and kept re-hitting my snooze alarm until 3:30 this afternoon..That was still only 8 hours of sleep, but even when i sleep it seems like I don’t get any actual rest. I have so many problems. I’ve been relatively content lately..I haven’t be as down-in-the-dumps as usual, so I guess thats good. I just don’t do anything. I work, sleep, hmm yeah thats about it. Work and sleep. I haven’t been doing much as far as working out or even restricting, but I eat just 1 meal a day and I’ve been maintaining right around/below 135. I’ll get back on my horse here is a week or so and drop that last 5 to get it over with. I notice all my clothes are fitting looser. That’s always a good feeling. Since I didn’t get anything done today..

Tomorrow’s TO DO:

Haircut

Clean room

Change bed

Put clothes away

Shop for uncle Chip

I don’t wanna be different

People usually have pride in being different from others’ whether its by having tattoos and piercings, liking different music, dressing differently, or any other way of straying from the norm. But me, me, I don’t wanna be different anymore. I want to eat like everyone else. I want to be able to go out and have fun without getting completely trashed. I want to sleep, I just want to really SLEEP. The hours that normal people sleep. Not from 7am til noon. I want to sleep from 11pm-9am..something NORMAL! I want to feel loved. I’m tall, I’m fairly thin (according to the regular people), I have long blonde hair and an outgoing personality. I should not be single…but I’m NOT normal. Not even close. I feel alone in the middle of crowds of people I never sleep I don’t eat I can’t handle my alcohol. I just, in general, I suck. I’m tired of crying I just want to smile and mean it. Starting today I am quitting drinking (Minus my birthday on Saturday and I’m only going to have 6 beers and 1 birthday shot..That might sound like alot to “normal” people, but its not much at all to me. After that, nothing!

Today was okay. I survived today. “She wasn’t where she had been. She wasn’t where she was going. But, she was on her way.. ♥” <–that’s what got me through

I’m so angry, so spiteful towards my parents and my sister, I’m just all around sad when I think about my life and how far I’ve let myself go. I’ve cut myself off, from food from my family, from REALITY. I have so much hateful, damaging emotion, with no where to discharge it. The is not a single soul I can let inside this shell to see how awful I really am. I honestly need help. I really really do need professional help, but I will not let myself say “when”. Enough is enough. I’ve tried to change on my own and I just can’t. I am an alcoholic. I am a casual drug user. I do have an eating disorder. I am a cutter. I do contemplate suicide on a recular basis. I think all of the previous are related to the depression. I’ve had this self-loathing depression for years and I can’t seem to get rid of it. I think it is because I never let myself fully heal. I start to feel better and then I am in extasy because of how bad I’ve felt for so many years. I do not let myself fully get well. The only way I can reasonably explain it is sort of like describing yourself being sick..Like the flu. You feel just miserable, then you go to the doctor and he prescribes antibiotics..well you take those for a day or two and you feel just great! You can finally breath again, so you quit taking them. You think you are healed, but then no more than a week or 2 later you come down with the same flu. You get it?

I have so much hatred inside my nearly invisible figure that I even HATE myself for hating so much. I really need to see someone. I know that I need to be put on an anti depressant. I just can’t bare to tell my parents..They found a suicide note of mine a few days ago..Well it wasn’t technically a suicide note, it was more like a premonition note..For some reason that night I didn’t think I would be alive in the morning. I’m not sure why. I think my family and I need to move. I need them. I love them so much and I just need to be closer to them. I need to feel that warm feeling that you get when you’re a child and you run into daddy’s arms and it feels like nothing in this vicious world can ever touch you. I need to feel safe again. I’m dealing with these demons that I cannot escape, someone save me. This is hazardous territory. I think I am going to spend time with him tomorrow. I need that feeling of when I was little and would watch westerns with “daddy” and I’d fall asleep in on his arm and when he needed to get up he would try to move so easily and be so quiet not to wake me. Of course it always would, but I would pretend to still be asleep just so he would give me a kiss on the cheek and say “Daddy loves you, Sissy.” Oh how I need that!

Well there it goes, out the window..Ricky is now “In a relationship” and I’m sure you can guess how I first found out by the way I typed it..Yepp on my minifeed on facebook. We talk every single day. Did he not think that was an important topic to mention? “what’d you have for breakfast? oh btw I’m no longer single!” Come on! Even that would have been better than fucking facebook. I know I should’ve expected it, and I did, that’s not the problem. The problem is that I am always honest and for God’s sake I saved the damn kid’s life! I’m on his fucking life insurance policy! All I want is the fucking truth!! Did he think that by postng it on facebook I wouldn’t be as upset? This is the 3RD FUCKING TIME IN A ROW I’ve been lied to about relationships! Come on men grow some fucking balls. I don’t even know what to do with myself right now. I just want to cry, but I know I don’t really have a reason to. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not worth the truth. Maybe I’m just not. Its true, I do expect a lot from people, but I don’t expect anything from anyone that I wouldn’t expect from myself. Oh well, a few days ago I was asked out on a date and I declined it. Well ya know what, I’m tired of living in the shadows of other people’s wishes. I’m going to accept that date and I’m going to LIVE for once. I’m actually going to go out there and do what I want, for ME, not for anyone else..That’s the way to be.

 

EDIT: Went out on the date with Jeff. We went to outback, he drove, paid, and opened the doors for me. I’m not going to hold back, I’m not going to be the one who considers the bad things first and pushes the men away before they even have a chance. I’m going to take the chance and I’m going to run with it. Of course I’ve already weighed out the pros and cons, but I’m going to see where this takes me. He is a very nice guy, great family from what I hear, he’s from my hometown, GREAT job and actually has a chance at taking over the business very soon. He knows what he wants out of life and he’s working towards getting it. I’m happy I said yes. I’ll keep you updated. PS I still can’t get Ricky out of my head. BUT I deleted his number from my phone. Suck on that you fucking alcoholic, drug addicted, mooch!