I’m so angry, so spiteful towards my parents and my sister, I’m just all around sad when I think about my life and how far I’ve let myself go. I’ve cut myself off, from food from my family, from REALITY. I have so much hateful, damaging emotion, with no where to discharge it. The is not a single soul I can let inside this shell to see how awful I really am. I honestly need help. I really really do need professional help, but I will not let myself say “when”. Enough is enough. I’ve tried to change on my own and I just can’t. I am an alcoholic. I am a casual drug user. I do have an eating disorder. I am a cutter. I do contemplate suicide on a recular basis. I think all of the previous are related to the depression. I’ve had this self-loathing depression for years and I can’t seem to get rid of it. I think it is because I never let myself fully heal. I start to feel better and then I am in extasy because of how bad I’ve felt for so many years. I do not let myself fully get well. The only way I can reasonably explain it is sort of like describing yourself being sick..Like the flu. You feel just miserable, then you go to the doctor and he prescribes antibiotics..well you take those for a day or two and you feel just great! You can finally breath again, so you quit taking them. You think you are healed, but then no more than a week or 2 later you come down with the same flu. You get it?
I have so much hatred inside my nearly invisible figure that I even HATE myself for hating so much. I really need to see someone. I know that I need to be put on an anti depressant. I just can’t bare to tell my parents..They found a suicide note of mine a few days ago..Well it wasn’t technically a suicide note, it was more like a premonition note..For some reason that night I didn’t think I would be alive in the morning. I’m not sure why. I think my family and I need to move. I need them. I love them so much and I just need to be closer to them. I need to feel that warm feeling that you get when you’re a child and you run into daddy’s arms and it feels like nothing in this vicious world can ever touch you. I need to feel safe again. I’m dealing with these demons that I cannot escape, someone save me. This is hazardous territory. I think I am going to spend time with him tomorrow. I need that feeling of when I was little and would watch westerns with “daddy” and I’d fall asleep in on his arm and when he needed to get up he would try to move so easily and be so quiet not to wake me. Of course it always would, but I would pretend to still be asleep just so he would give me a kiss on the cheek and say “Daddy loves you, Sissy.” Oh how I need that!