I’ve been reading a lot. Mostly pro ana books/blogs and things of the sort and most of the time I hear/read people say that it is a disease. I don’t like to think of myself as having a disease. For me, my ED is more like an addiction. Nothing can compare to the “high” I get when I’ve fasted for the day, or 2 days, or 3..so on. And nothing can compare to the low I feel when I’ve binged. Same thing with purging..There’s just this sence of control that I long for. You can almost think of it like a drinking problem (I’ve been to a few DUI classes lol) Just replace “drink” with “eat”.
1. Do you lie about how much you’ve drank (eaten).
2. Do you hide your drinking (eating) habits?
3. Are others in your life concerned with your drinking(eating)?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking (eating)?
See what I mean?
Maybe its not so much that I am addicted to not eating, but I am addicted to the control I have over myself. I can’t control a lot of things in this world, but I can control one of the things that ALL LIVING THINGS rely on in order to survive. Man, when I think of it that way it REALLY blows my mind and almost brings joy to me. That’s true power right there. Yeah, I have a problem. Its true. At least I know it. I’m not in any kind of denial or anything. Do I want help? Sure, only we’re probably not talking about the same help. I’m talkin’ yeah send me some thinspo, keep inspiring me, and tell me that you’re proud of how far I’ve come. Do I NEED help? Yeah probably. I’m fucked up in the head. Haha..but nobody’s perfect..yet (;
So darn cute! Thin, delicate..very classy.
I’m going to update my layout soon and I’ll put all this up on there, but for now I’m going to make up a little list of rewards for myself.
CW: Back up to 135..>:S
1GW: 132 – Tanning package
2GW: 129- Get nails done
3GW: 125- Hopefully a size 1-ish by then since right now I’m a 5 and that’s 10lbs from where I’m at. Size 1 Buckle jeans..but only if I’m a size 1!
I need to add a camera in there somewhere. I really need one since I lost my old one, not to mention I need to be able to keep track of my progress.
Note to self: I tell ya what. If you can manage to liquid fast for 2 day straight (48 hrs) (consume 0 calories) and NOT fuck up. You can buy your camera. This is sooo worth it!
I’m sooo ready to do this shit! (I’ve got awesome rewards!)