“faceless and weightless, break my bones until it’s painless.”

Recently I’m having a lot of trouble try NOT to worry about my weight. I need to do what’s healthy and right, not what will make my bone protrude. (As much as I’d like to) I’m telling my parents about the baby on wednesday/thursday, so I’m sure by next week I’ll have a doctors appointment made. I’m 7 weeks and 2 days and the docs usually like to start aorund 8 weeks or so. I think I’m going to tell my OB about my ED..well ok maybe not, but I might tell him that I have always been weight concious and ask him what he thinks I should and shouldn’t be eating and when. Ok that second idea sounds better. I still swear I’ll never tell about it. Its my secret, my shrine, my companion.

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Kinda funny that a dress I’ve been trying to fit into for about 3 years now finally fits me..and I’m 7 weeks pregnant. Ohhh the irony! I’m cleaning/attempting to clean my room today. I need to get that done before I can even think about beginning anything else. I’ve already filled 1 large garbage bag of give away stuff and there’s another one shortly behind it. I really do have too many clothes, but I do wear most of them. That’s why if I haven’t worn it in the last year I’m definately tossing it & 6months unless I REALLY like it or its a special occasion outfit I toss it too. Stuff that doesn’t fit is shippin’ out also. I’m not going to get any smaller in the next 8 months, so no use in letting it take up space where baby clothes are going to need to go. Ohh I’m stressin already. I do NOT have room for this! lol My last day at work is this coming saturday. I still have not told my parents yet. I need to tell them wednesday/thursday. As soon as I make sure that saturday really is my last day. They’ll freak about me working in a bar, and its understandable. Well back to cleaning my room. PS I’m keeping that dress!

7 weeks

I haven’t really gained any weight, not that I have been trying not to. I’ve actually been eating a lot. I just don’t know if its enough. I really need to get to a doctor, but they don’t start seeing patients til 8 weeks any way. Learn about how many calories I should be eating, what kind of exercise if any is ok, and stuff like that. 1 week from today is supposed to be my last day at work :/ That really sucks. I love my job, but there’sjust too much cigarette smoke especially with me trying to quit as well its not easy being around a lot of people that are. I will need to find another job though. I can’t be job-less for 9 months. I would go stir crazy. I’d like a desk job..something like that. Love the tips & stuff from waiting tables & bartending, but I just don’t know if I should be on my feet that much. I’ve already noticed myself getting sick. I actually almost passed out at work the other day. It was bad.

I’ve noticed a wierd feeling in my stomach lately. Its like that growling feeling your belly gets when you’re hungry, but I’m not ever hungry? wierd..

EDIT: Yep I’m still 130, but my stomach looks enormous!..I did eat a really big dinner though and drink a lot of water. I feel sooo bloated I can’t even sleep. I’m so not used to this “full” feeling.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. The thing is we don’t have to hate each other for getting older, we just have to forgive ourselves for growing up.”- The wonder years.

Life truely goes by far too quickly. I can’t help but think I grew up wrong or too fast or not in the right place..A lot of those things I have no control over but I just sometimes wonder if things would have been different. I’m now 22 years old and it seems like I was just starting high school a couple months ago. Oh what I would do to be back in high school again. I really wouldn’t change that much about it honestly. Maybe stand up for myself more, but that’s about it.

I’ve kind of gotten over what Sean said last night, but its still weighing on my mind of course. I thought he would have called by now tonight. It is 1:30am and he gets off at 8pm hawaii time which is 1am here. Maybe he’s upset too, but he should still call. A few nights ago I mentioned my friend Mandi and told him that I was going to tell her about the baby. He freaked, but I just was like “Hey I’m gonna need her. You’re not going to be here 8 out of the 9 months I’m pregnant and for probably the first 6 months the baby is here. I’m going to need a support system and friends and most of all HELP.” He pretty much gave up after that because he knew there was no way he was going to win that one. Then he asked “So what are you going to do? Just stay in Fairpointe until I get back?” I was like “Well yeahh. What else would I do? Run off to God only knows where alone with no income and a newborn baby.” Then he goes. “Alright, well as soon as I get back I’m going to get you outta there. Hawaii for a few months for debriefing then North Carolina for station.” I’m not sure how I feel about that. He’s NOT the one that I’m meant to be with. He’s just not. As much as I try to convince myself that he is HE JUST ISN’T. & I’m not going to settle. I’m going to wait until this baby drama settles and he returns from Afghanistan and I’m gonna see how things go. I’m not going to marry him right away. If I don’t like it, I’m not going to sacrifice myself to forever with him. I don’t believe in divorce and I don’t support it. Yes sometimes people fall out of love, but if I’m going to marry someone, I’m going to do it will the full intentions of spending the rest of my life with that person. And being HAPPY.

Are you kidding me?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!!!

Just got off the phone with Sean for the first time in 3 days. I know he’s at that training camp & he said they were out in the field & honestly right now I’m so livid I don’t even give a fuck if its true or not. So here’s how it went:

He finally called and I stayed awake until 5AM to be sure I wouldn’t miss his call since there’s a 5 hour time difference. Well of course he called MUCH later than he said he would (still excusable, you never really know what’s going to happen with his schedule there) and we talked for a little bit. He asked how I was doing. I said it was wierd, but I was still excited, Always pictured myself with kids just not right yet. He said the same thing. Then he mentioned something about if people actually found out how it happened, so of course, me being the supportive baby mamma not wanting any drama, I asked what he was going to tell everyone, so that we could be on the same page. He had the fucking balls to tell me that he would just say that he was going trough a divorce anyway and I was pregnant, so he “decided” to step in as the father. WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF DUMB ASS DOES THIS DOUCHEBAG THINK I AM?!?! OMG I’m just absolutely in shock and I can’t fucking believe it. So I was like “Are you serious? That’s what you’re going to tell everyone?” and he said “Well Dad & Pap will know, but as far as everyone else, fuck ’em” I honestly could not fucking believe it. Throughout the rest of our conversation I was just in such shock that I only responded with one word & short answers, so then he has the nerve to ask “What’s wrong? you seem upset all of a sudden.” I am NOT a confrontational person and that’s why I tend to go through huge bouts of depression because i just keep things in for so long until I finally explode & I don’t know if its my hormones going whack or what, but I was just like “Um, how could you expect me not to be upset when you tell me that you’re just going to make me out to be some kind of whore that you’ve just “decided” to be a nice guy & help me out with my bastard child?!?!” I mean, isn’t that what it sounded like to you too? He of course responds with “That’s not what I meant at all. I just don’t think everyone should know that we concieved an adulterous baby out of wedlock.” Of course we did dumbass! That’s the risk we took!! And now you’re not man enough to own up to it? Ha & He said “Now you’re stuck with me. You’re never getting away.” Fuck you! You damn useless wannabe badass! If you were as great as you claim to be, you would be man enough to own up to your own mistake, YOUR own child. Not one that you’re telling people isn’t yours that you’re still going to take care of because you’re “such a great guy”…BARF!! That just honestly makes me want to puke!

Oh & 25 minutes later I get a text from him “I’m sorry I don’t have the answers right now babe. I just hope that you and the baby are health. I’ll worry about all that other shit as it comes…You are my priority.”

OHHH I’m your priority, but you’re making your flesh and blood out to be an option? I see how it is.

I know he’s just as stressed out as I am and he’s never been that great with words, but COME ON MAN! Are you really dumb enough to say that to a pregnant woman?!?!

Man, I’ve only known I was having Sean’s baby for 5 days now and its ALREADY driving me insane that I can’t get ahold of him whenever I want to. And he’s only at a 2 week school..Granted, he’s a billion miles away in Hawaii anyway, but still at least when he’s not in that school I can call/text him whenever I need/want. In 4 months he will be a billion X10 miles away in Afganistan and the only want to reach him will be by messages on facebook/email or whenever he gets the chance to call me..which is not very often at all :/ This is going to be tough. Verrry tough especially once September baby (that’s what i’ve been calling him/her til I find out if its a girl or boy) gets here. It will be hard on him too I know. Being so far away and not getting to expierience so many 1st that the baby and I will have. I’m going to video/picture/document EVERYTHING so that he won’t feel like he missed a single thing. I have so many friends that are willing (for now) to help me out as much as they can. ..They say that now, but I could see them getting bored hanging out with a baby all day that can’t talk, walk, anything..when they’d just rather go out and party. Oh well, its just a part of life and I have chosen to accept that life.

I’m going to tell my parents next week by getting a dozen roses. 11 red and 1 white. The card is going to say “11 red roses from YOUR baby and 1 white one from MINE/OURS Love, Sara, Sean, and September baby.”

I haven’t decided on the “mine” or “ours” part yet. I’m leaning more towards “Ours” because I don’t want them to have to ask who that dad is lol. I know that sounds terrible, but I only saw Sean for the first time in a year for 1 weekend. ANNND he’s married, so they might assume that I’m talking about Jeffrey, they guy I’ve gone out on a few dates with recently…UGH! And I have to tell HIM 😦 I’m going to feel just awful, but its not like we were together when it happened. I just hope he lets me finish all that I have to say because I could see him just storming off and leaving as soon as I broke the news. But I’ve got to tell him soon because on Thursday I told my manager cuz I’m not going to be able to work at the bar much longer because of the smoke and the next day we were supposed to tell my boss together…well My manager ended up telling my boss without me and just assumed that our boss wouldn’t say anythign to anyone. Well the next day that news spread like fucking wild fire through all of the employees. So I sure have to tell Jeff soon before he comes into the bar and hears it from someone else.

I’ve got to go to sleep. Its 4:30 AM and I’m wide awake. I was going to clean my room, but I’m too lazy right now and I don’t want to be loud and wake my parents.

Be sure & tell me what you all think about the MINE/OURS thing

Baby Daddy

I FINALLY got ahold of Sean, the baby’s dad. He’s in the US army and is at some kind of school where he  can’t use his phone until after 8PM (Hawaii time). Well he called back and it went WAYYY better than expected. He said for me to keep it on the hush for the next 2 weeks, so that he could finish the school and get back home to his wife :S and let her know they were getting a divorce. This is honestly a very fucked up situation now that I think about it… But we’re in love and we always have been. He said that he was no scumbag and was a grown man and that it was about time he acted like one. He is going to be there for his child…Only I will be due in August-ish? and he deploys for Afganistan in April, so for the last 4 months of my pregnancy quite & quite possibly the first 8 months of our childs life he will be 1/2 way across the world fighting for our freedom. This is going to be tough, but I’m ready for it. I am a strong woman and I can take charge of anything that is thrown my way.

As far as telling my parents…fml

I’m going to make it a little game. I think I’m going to gather them together for dinner or something then while they’re sitting down step away to get something and plant clues going up the steps to their bedroom and have onzies saying “I love grandma/grandpa” sitting on their bed. It might take the edge off a little..Much better than my previous plan of using text messages lol.

Soo much to do! Names, nursery, doctors visits, supplies..ohh my. I can’t sleep at all and I still have 9 months to go!

I’m pregnant..

Yes, you read the title right. Remember how Sean and I hooked up when I went to Tennessee about a month ago..Yeah well 1 time and BAMM! This blog is about to change drastically. I’ve really enjoyed the support and love I’ve recieved from all of you in times when I didn’t feel like I could take another breath. I certainly owe several of you my life. I wouldn’t still be here without you.

But its time to change. Its time to think of someone other than myself. I am well aware that I am going to have several struggles with gaining baby weight, resisting the urge to purge, and cutting back on my fitness routines. I’m doing this for the baby and for myself. I cannot be as selfish as I have been. There is a new life growing inside of me and I’ll be damned if I let him/her grow up the way I did.

Did it!

No new year’s kiss for me like I had planned. Neither Jeff, nor I, are shy people. But when it comes to the whole “dating” or whatever you wanna call it scene both of us are bashful. Its kinda cute. I took him home when I got off work because he didn’t want to drive since he had been drinking and we hugged in his drive way lol. It was so cute watching him debate whether or not to make the first move. We were going to go skiing today, but the weather is all freaky and its like 50 degrees here today & yesterday. That’s not such a bad thing cuz I’m pretty sick and I think I’ll just stay in tonightto get better.

I need to weigh myself, but my mother is in the living room that’s beside the bathroom that has the scale I use in the closet. The closet is really loud when you open it too and she’s really freaked out about my weight. Therefore, I have to wait until she gets the hell out of the way. I weighed myself on our upstairs scale and it is USUALLY over, but it said I was under 130, but I’m not getting my hopes up because I ate a sandwhich with sauced peppers when I got home at 4am this morning.

I invited Jeff over to dinner at my house tonight. He hasn’t responded yet. I’m sure he’s shy, but honestly if I was trying to get on a significant other’s good side I would sure as hell say yes. He’s picked me up from my house twice and has yet to come to the door. Maybe I’m just old fashioned and because I was raised in the south, but that’s almost like not asking the father’s permission to marry their daughter. It’s just a big respect thing. And I love my dad. I always say my dog & my daddy are the only ones who will never break my heart.

UGH! I really just want to get drunk tonight!!!

OH! On another note. I’m really freaked out that I’m going to gain weight since I stopped smoking. I lost a lot when I started and I sure as hell REFUSE to gain it back!