Over the years I seem to have become strangely fascinated with living life on the edge. I am mesmermized by just how close I can get without actually falling over. Inch by inch I move close. One more step close to what may become the ultimate death. I’ve never been one to live life on the “safe” side, so to speak. Even as a child, I was climbing trees with the boys always seeing who could climb the highest, one time even climbing a cell tower near my house. I remember it like it was yesterday. Draping a sweatshirt over the barbed wire that was traced along the top of a chain-link enclosure to be careful not to get cut, firmly gripping the steel ladder with both hands and lifting my shaking leg to place my foot on the first rung. I never looked down, but more importantly to my pride, never backed down. Once near the top of the ladder i felt myself shaking so much, perhaps from adrenaline, maybe from fear, that the ladder itself began cranking and rattling against the cold steel of the tower. I recollected myself and pushed on. Rung after rung, step after step, I had made it to the top.

Tackling physical challenges was never the problem for me. No irrational fears of heights, snakes, spiders, etc…It was the mental that got me everytime. The battle between me and myself. Seems I haven’t won that one yet. Perhaps I never will

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There are days when there is only 1 thing I know for certain and that is that the sun will rise in the morning. The silence of the dark night will soon pass. Even as sure as it sounds, after copious amounts of cocaine, alcohol, and whatever else seemed like a good idea at the time, I often found myself lying sick on the bathroom floor fully convinced that I was going to be stuck in that moment forever. I would do my best to squint just right so that the numbers on my cell phone would stop moving and unscramble into something that resembled a time, so I could reassure myself that the minutes were still passing and that I, indeed, was still surviving this nightmare. The sun will rise in the morning; with or without you. I see this as a comfort and a curse. I often think to myself that if I just passed quietly, painlessly in my sleep I would finally be at peace, but I am reminded every morning with the reflecting glare of the sun peering through my window blinds that indeed I am still alive. I take comfort in knowing that there is, and has always been, ONE consistency in my life. Time. Time is the only thing that is created equal among men. Every being has 24 hours in a day, 10,080 minutes in a week, and 31,556,926 seconds in a year. No more, no less for any one person. Time is the only thing I can rely on. The sun will rise in the morning; wish or without me.

I told. I finally told. On St. Patrick’s day, I sent my mother a text and asked her to come home early. She did, kind of. I had a letter written up that I planned to read, so that I could say everything that I needed to without forgetting anything or being interrupted. Unfortunately, I barely made it through the first sentence. I started to bawl my eyes out before I even said anything. For the first time in a very long time, I cried in front of my mother…and she hugged me. She held me in her arms and for just one second I felt safe. At 22 years old, it was a feeling that I had so longed for. My dad must have heard me crying because he came in the room and sat down, but only for just a few seconds. I told the story and how Sean had lied to me about everything, then my dad got up and left. That’s what he does. He’s a lot like me. If something’s going wrong, he can’t handle it with other people before he handles it within himself. It didn’t bother me that much I guess I’m used to it. I must’ve cried for at least 1/2 and hour, then my dad came back in. Turns out he didn’t even hear the story which was just awful because I started crying hysterically again as my mom explained it to him. He sat down on the edge of the bed right beside me and just held me tight. I wrapped my arms around him and swore I’d never let go.

That’s what I hate about growing up. When you’re little you can just fit perfectly right in the arms of the people you’re sure can protect you from anything in the world. And at that age, its usually the boogie man or little Joey that throws rocks at you on the playground. Now, its so hard to feel that comfort. You’re all on your own & the only one who can protect you is yourself..And when you’re as messed up in the head as I am..Good freakin’ luck!

The thing I was most worried about was disappointing my parents AGAIN. I have put them through so much, its unbelieveable. They didn’t cry this time. I’m not sure if its because they’re like me and have just become numb to the pain of reality or if its like they’re saying and we’ll get through this together. My mom talks about baby stuff all the time now, but my dad, he doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure what dads and daughters are supposed to talk about when it comes to baby stuff? I just want to spend time with him. My mom and sister are going shopping tomorrow (No surprise there! Little skank would take them for all they have if they’d let her![I think they’re finally starting to realize that]) Maybe I can make myself get out of bed and spend time with my dad tomorrow. Even if its just watching tv on the couch.

I haven’t been sleeping right again. At first I thought it was because of the baby stuff, you know, a lot on my mind trying to keep the secret, etc, but now I honestly just dont’ know what it is. I thought maybe it had to do with Sean since I hadn’t talked to him in over 4 weeks now, but I think I’m so disgusted with him I’d probably just hang up on him any ways. I can’t picture us in a life together anymore. He’s gone too far and I’ll never be able to forgive him. Although, I watched Lifetime’s “Coming Home” tonight and all I could think about was him coming back from Afghanistan and wanting to see his baby…Or thinking, maybe this birthday he’ll call, maybe he’ll send a card…I just don’t want my child to feel like daddy didn’t want them. Its not that. Daddy didn’t want to be with ME. But how are you supposed to tell a child who’s never seen their father that daddy loves them? I guess that’s not important right now.

Oh, on another note…When I told my mom, she already had her suspicions. Secondly, she said she had told my aunt what she thought and that I had been EATING EVERYTHING! Come on mother!! You know I’ve struggled so much with weight issues for so long and yes I have to tell myself every day that this day is not for me, this day is for baby. I don’t look in the mirror, I don’t weigh myself because I know as soon as I do I’ll do something stupid. I have NOT been eating EVERYTHING! I have been eating like a healthy adult! As many fruits and veggies as I can. Tryingto get a balanced dinner, some kind of meat included, drinking low fat milk and natural juices and YES, I DO get cravings like any other pregnant woman, but did you notice when everyone in the family got icecream the other night that I got a fruit smoothie??!! Most likely you were too busy indulging in your hot fudge, nutty whatever the fuck its called.

Woo sorry for the rant.

I just want this to be over. I want to have this baby, so I can get back to the me that I am comfortable with..but at the same time the me that I despise..makes no sense, but I’ve come to the conclusion that its never going to end..ever

If they only knew how often I cried myself to sleep at night. All of the days I didn’t want to get out of bed, not because I was actually tired, but because I didn’t want to face another day. All of the “Goodbye” notes I have written over the years just hoping I would fall asleep and never wake again. I agree, to an extent, that struggles make you stronger, but if its just hardship after hardship there’s no time to rebuild. Where is the eye of the storm?

My sister was one of the first people I told about the baby. Not even a week after the news she began texting me (she’s away at college) that if i did not tell them, she would. What an awful thing to do!! I Mean, am I wrong about this? She and I have never gotten along and for once I thought since we were “grown up” I could rely on her and go to her for advice for something. Instead she turns it completely around and makes it almost a punishment. Well, she finally let it go for a while and my, so-called, “friend” I guess has been talking to her and twisting & turning stories around. So last night I got a text from sister saying “Good to know you told mom & she said nothing to me. What a great family.” First off, I did NOT tell my mother yet, second, perhaps my mother WOULDN’T tell her because its MY business and not hers!, and 3rd..again with the “I ruined the family story” You wanna disown me? Go right the fuck ahead. Tell everyone you’re an only child like you always wanted to be! That’s perfectly fine by me. I’d rather not be associated with your “too good for where I came from” attitude anyway! I replied some messages to her and it was just threat after threat. We WILL NOT be speaking for a VERY long time after this is over. I’m glad she’s away at college and I never have to see her. I wish we got along, I really do. I need someone in my life who’s a real friend, someone who I can trust, you’re always supposed to have that in a family member and I have it in a dog. wow. I can’t wait to get away from here and live all alone with my baby & my dog in the middle of no where. Somewhere where no one will ever bother me and not insist on prying into my business all the time. I want to disappear. I need to get a new job. Start saving money. Lots and lots of money and invest it safely, then when I know I have enough to get us by I’m taking off. Car packed full. Baby in the back seat, Riot in the passenger, and all 3 of us with nothing but endless love & miles of open road. I don’t know who said running away never solves problems, but I’m pretty sure they’re wrong. Time heals all right? So if you’re gone long enough, eventually everything will be okay, right?

The weight of the world is awfully heavy when you’re carrying it on your own. A lot has been going on and I just haven’t felt the need to update this since this topic is not exactly what I intended this page to be for, but I’ve got to get this written down and out of my head. I haven’t been sleeping much at all, up until at least 5 am for the past week or so, I’ve been skipping class and everything because I’m just so tired. I need to get some motivation, but its tough these days.

Sean’s STILL wife found out of about baby when she hacked his e-mail accounts about 3 weeks ago. He hasn’t talked to me since. I’m guessing he’s just completly out of the picture. I expected that, but it would have been so much easier had he just told me in the very beginning that he wanted nothing to do with it when I gave him the option instead of leading me on all this time. She txted me and said several things, but one that stuck out in my mind was that Sean wanted nothing to do with me and the only reason he was being so nice to me and said the things that he did to me was so that I wouldn’t tell her about it. I’m guessing that’s true now since I haven’t heard from him in about 3 weeks. I wrote him an e-mail 2 days ago pretty much just telling him to tell me what was going on and that since he was deploying soon I needed serious info for paperwork & such. Still no response.

I really need to tell my family. Tomorrow’s got to be the day. It just has to be. I really can’t keep putting this off.

I had a breakdown earlier, which is the reason for this post. I was looking at the internet and came across this missions site and its 11 countries in 11 months. That’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do..but now I can’t because I will have a child.

I planned on being an au pair in Spain or anywhere else for that matter. I can’t now because I’m having a child.

I also saw this thing called WOOFing. Its pretty much just going somewhere to work on an organic farm and in turn for your work you are provided food & shelter..Kind of a hippie thing, but it would be amazing to me..No, I can’t do that either.

I know that sounds terribly selfish, I know it does, but it just kills me that Sean can go about living his damned ol’ life and I no longer have one at all. I had so many dreams and goals and now they’re no longer possible. I don’t want to resent this child and I’m so scared that that’s going to happen. I was finally back in school getting ready to go back full time next semester and now I can’t go back at all because I’ll be due just a week or 2 after classes begin. I’m a rambling soul, I was meant to travel the world. There is nothing for me in this po-dunk town. I will never be happy here. I could meet prince charming and live in the biggest nicest house in the land and have anything I wanted, butI would not be happy if I was stuck here. How will I ever escape, now? I never had a life anyway, but what will happen to it now? I’ll never get into/through med school unmarried with a toddler. Once again, I’ll have to settle for less. I have been settling for less my whole life it seems. Guys, schools, career, grades, friends… I am a good person, I really am. I will be the first to give you the shirt right off my back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the world owes me anything, it was here first. But damn it would be nice to just have the upperhand for once. For once in my life, I was doing something right. I quit drinking, I was making amazing money, I was doing fantastic in school, and I was making my dreams a reality and one night, ONE NIGHT! I threw it all away. Dear God please help me now! Everyone has been telling me that once you hit rock bottom the only way out is up. What if there is no rock bottom for me? Its just one thing after another. Does it ever end? I’ve told myself over & over for these past 3 years and even longer, it could be worse, the only problem is, it DOES get worse for me…it always gets worse.