The weight of the world is awfully heavy when you’re carrying it on your own. A lot has been going on and I just haven’t felt the need to update this since this topic is not exactly what I intended this page to be for, but I’ve got to get this written down and out of my head. I haven’t been sleeping much at all, up until at least 5 am for the past week or so, I’ve been skipping class and everything because I’m just so tired. I need to get some motivation, but its tough these days.
Sean’s STILL wife found out of about baby when she hacked his e-mail accounts about 3 weeks ago. He hasn’t talked to me since. I’m guessing he’s just completly out of the picture. I expected that, but it would have been so much easier had he just told me in the very beginning that he wanted nothing to do with it when I gave him the option instead of leading me on all this time. She txted me and said several things, but one that stuck out in my mind was that Sean wanted nothing to do with me and the only reason he was being so nice to me and said the things that he did to me was so that I wouldn’t tell her about it. I’m guessing that’s true now since I haven’t heard from him in about 3 weeks. I wrote him an e-mail 2 days ago pretty much just telling him to tell me what was going on and that since he was deploying soon I needed serious info for paperwork & such. Still no response.
I really need to tell my family. Tomorrow’s got to be the day. It just has to be. I really can’t keep putting this off.
I had a breakdown earlier, which is the reason for this post. I was looking at the internet and came across this missions site and its 11 countries in 11 months. That’s something I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do..but now I can’t because I will have a child.
I planned on being an au pair in Spain or anywhere else for that matter. I can’t now because I’m having a child.
I also saw this thing called WOOFing. Its pretty much just going somewhere to work on an organic farm and in turn for your work you are provided food & shelter..Kind of a hippie thing, but it would be amazing to me..No, I can’t do that either.
I know that sounds terribly selfish, I know it does, but it just kills me that Sean can go about living his damned ol’ life and I no longer have one at all. I had so many dreams and goals and now they’re no longer possible. I don’t want to resent this child and I’m so scared that that’s going to happen. I was finally back in school getting ready to go back full time next semester and now I can’t go back at all because I’ll be due just a week or 2 after classes begin. I’m a rambling soul, I was meant to travel the world. There is nothing for me in this po-dunk town. I will never be happy here. I could meet prince charming and live in the biggest nicest house in the land and have anything I wanted, butI would not be happy if I was stuck here. How will I ever escape, now? I never had a life anyway, but what will happen to it now? I’ll never get into/through med school unmarried with a toddler. Once again, I’ll have to settle for less. I have been settling for less my whole life it seems. Guys, schools, career, grades, friends… I am a good person, I really am. I will be the first to give you the shirt right off my back. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying the world owes me anything, it was here first. But damn it would be nice to just have the upperhand for once. For once in my life, I was doing something right. I quit drinking, I was making amazing money, I was doing fantastic in school, and I was making my dreams a reality and one night, ONE NIGHT! I threw it all away. Dear God please help me now! Everyone has been telling me that once you hit rock bottom the only way out is up. What if there is no rock bottom for me? Its just one thing after another. Does it ever end? I’ve told myself over & over for these past 3 years and even longer, it could be worse, the only problem is, it DOES get worse for me…it always gets worse.