I told. I finally told. On St. Patrick’s day, I sent my mother a text and asked her to come home early. She did, kind of. I had a letter written up that I planned to read, so that I could say everything that I needed to without forgetting anything or being interrupted. Unfortunately, I barely made it through the first sentence. I started to bawl my eyes out before I even said anything. For the first time in a very long time, I cried in front of my mother…and she hugged me. She held me in her arms and for just one second I felt safe. At 22 years old, it was a feeling that I had so longed for. My dad must have heard me crying because he came in the room and sat down, but only for just a few seconds. I told the story and how Sean had lied to me about everything, then my dad got up and left. That’s what he does. He’s a lot like me. If something’s going wrong, he can’t handle it with other people before he handles it within himself. It didn’t bother me that much I guess I’m used to it. I must’ve cried for at least 1/2 and hour, then my dad came back in. Turns out he didn’t even hear the story which was just awful because I started crying hysterically again as my mom explained it to him. He sat down on the edge of the bed right beside me and just held me tight. I wrapped my arms around him and swore I’d never let go.
That’s what I hate about growing up. When you’re little you can just fit perfectly right in the arms of the people you’re sure can protect you from anything in the world. And at that age, its usually the boogie man or little Joey that throws rocks at you on the playground. Now, its so hard to feel that comfort. You’re all on your own & the only one who can protect you is yourself..And when you’re as messed up in the head as I am..Good freakin’ luck!
The thing I was most worried about was disappointing my parents AGAIN. I have put them through so much, its unbelieveable. They didn’t cry this time. I’m not sure if its because they’re like me and have just become numb to the pain of reality or if its like they’re saying and we’ll get through this together. My mom talks about baby stuff all the time now, but my dad, he doesn’t say anything. I’m not sure what dads and daughters are supposed to talk about when it comes to baby stuff? I just want to spend time with him. My mom and sister are going shopping tomorrow (No surprise there! Little skank would take them for all they have if they’d let her![I think they’re finally starting to realize that]) Maybe I can make myself get out of bed and spend time with my dad tomorrow. Even if its just watching tv on the couch.
I haven’t been sleeping right again. At first I thought it was because of the baby stuff, you know, a lot on my mind trying to keep the secret, etc, but now I honestly just dont’ know what it is. I thought maybe it had to do with Sean since I hadn’t talked to him in over 4 weeks now, but I think I’m so disgusted with him I’d probably just hang up on him any ways. I can’t picture us in a life together anymore. He’s gone too far and I’ll never be able to forgive him. Although, I watched Lifetime’s “Coming Home” tonight and all I could think about was him coming back from Afghanistan and wanting to see his baby…Or thinking, maybe this birthday he’ll call, maybe he’ll send a card…I just don’t want my child to feel like daddy didn’t want them. Its not that. Daddy didn’t want to be with ME. But how are you supposed to tell a child who’s never seen their father that daddy loves them? I guess that’s not important right now.
Oh, on another note…When I told my mom, she already had her suspicions. Secondly, she said she had told my aunt what she thought and that I had been EATING EVERYTHING! Come on mother!! You know I’ve struggled so much with weight issues for so long and yes I have to tell myself every day that this day is not for me, this day is for baby. I don’t look in the mirror, I don’t weigh myself because I know as soon as I do I’ll do something stupid. I have NOT been eating EVERYTHING! I have been eating like a healthy adult! As many fruits and veggies as I can. Tryingto get a balanced dinner, some kind of meat included, drinking low fat milk and natural juices and YES, I DO get cravings like any other pregnant woman, but did you notice when everyone in the family got icecream the other night that I got a fruit smoothie??!! Most likely you were too busy indulging in your hot fudge, nutty whatever the fuck its called.
Woo sorry for the rant.
I just want this to be over. I want to have this baby, so I can get back to the me that I am comfortable with..but at the same time the me that I despise..makes no sense, but I’ve come to the conclusion that its never going to end..ever