very difficult day

There’s something about writing to an audience that works so well for me. Even if no one reads it at all, its just the fact that its “out there” which makes this so much better for me than journaling. I actually HATE writing, mostly because I’m not any good at it..but, boy if I was, I’d have written one hell of a life story!

Only 10 weeks and 3 days before I finally get to meet my little girl. It becomes more real by the second. I’ve already promised her a better life and that I would be living for her, no longer for my selfish being. I’ve promised her that we’ll get out of here some day, and I plan to keep my promise. She deserves better than this shit hold town that would do nothing but judge her for who her family is. Both of us can get a fresh start. I should have school finished in just over 2 years, more if I am able to take more hours. I will do it for her. She needs me. As far as her father is concerned, I haven’t spoken to him since february. I’ve sent him 3 emails since then, one asking for medical background, one telling him its a girl with pics of the ultrasound, and the last one telling him to get ahold of me before she is born otherwise be prepared to hear from my lawyer. Welllll there was no response to any of them, so I hacked his email last night and was able to access his facebook from that. I should’ve known better. I REALLY should have known better.

A note to his friend- Sean:”I don’t know if you’ve really been tracking or no, but do you know if Sara is really pregnant?” Matt: “I haven’t seen her, but from what I hear she is.” Sean”FUCK! Any rumors on who the father is?” Matt: “Guess she’s sayin its you. That it happened when she went to Kentucky.” Sean:”Fuck all! Hit that bitch with your car or somethin’. I was hoping she was just the lying cunt that she always has been. I should’ve listened to you when you told me about her years ago.” Matt:”Yep, seems like you’ve got yourself into a pickle there man, but stuff has a funny way of working out.”

Seriously? Hit me with your car?!?!! What the hell kind of person have you turned in to?!

A note from his mother- “I know you don’t want my advice on the Sara situation, but I’m your mother, that’s what I do. Don’t let that tramp get to your grandparents before you do. That would devestate them. They have always been there for you and will love you no matter what. Stick with Joni, son. She really is a good thing…” blah blah blah..Tramp!? Really!?!?!!! Fuck you Diane! You’re 50 and just now had a child FUCKKK YOUUU! Also, all 3 of your children are worthless, 2 didn’t even graduate from high school, none ever went to college, 1 is a hobo skater punk, unmarried with 2 kids (at least), the other stoner one finally got out of rehab long enough to join the Navy and also has a kid on the way, unmarried! Oh, but wait, you do have one son that’s married and has a kid on the way..Good for him NO WAIT! They are between 2 different women!!! Great parenting skills Diane, so proud of you.

Between him & Joni (his wife)- “I don’t want anything to do with it. Her or the kid. If she wants the baby she can have it ALL ALONE!” Joni: “Its like pouring salt on an open wound every time she writes you. It just kills me” Sean: “Let her waste her money and get a lawyer, they have to prove a paternity test first and with me in Afghanistan that’s going to be pretty hard to do. I’m in a war zone, babe. If it does come up positive and I am the father and child support is what she wants, fuckin’ give it to her. That’s all she gets.” Joni- “But child support is expensive babe.” Sean: “Don’t worry about it, its all insurance. It will all work out.” Joni: “She did this on purpose, I know she did.”

Ummm NO! Child support doesn’t come from your insurance you dumbass! It comes out of your paycheck (at least) every single month! & yeah maybe you are in a war zone..but your brother and your dad are not if all else fails they could probably take it from them. And even if they can’t, imagine that back-pay you will have when you avoid this for 7 months..yeahhh. Who’s laughing now?! And seriously to think I did this on purpose? Get fucking serious?!! I had finally started getting my life (and body) back. I was back in school, planning on going to spain this summer to nanny, dentistry school in the spring..yeahh none of that is ever ever ever going to happen again. Those were once in a life time chances. So to say I did this on purpose? pretty sure it takes 2 to fuck!!?

 

 

Its okay though, I’m doing my best to stand up straight even though it feels as if I have had my heart ripped out of my chest then hit in the gut by a mac truck. I’ve thought about cutting all morning, I’ve only ingested black coffee today. i can feel myself retreating back to my old ways. Alone. Distressed. Out of body type of feeling. Pain. Excruciating pain. But at the same time, I know this is something I need to expierience. Its part of the grieving process. In order to move on, I need to feel this. I was living in a fantasy land of “what ifs”. I now no longer need to worry about him, or wonder what he is doing, or wait by the mailbox just in case a letter comes. That letter will never come. No, its not lost. It was never written. I can stop making up excuses for him. And I can stop worrying about Marleigh knowing her daddy. The sun WILL rise tomorrow and I CAN make it through another minute, another hour, another day. The sun will rise tomorrow.